Cults

Joe likes to listen to the religious cultists at the airport.
He’d get to the airport hours before his flight.
He’d watch all kinds of brainwashing movies, get hooked to a variety of weird pseudoscientific devices, and read all sorts of pamphlets and books.
Then he’d promise his eternal life and soul to them.
Just as they brought papers for him to sign, he’d get up and run for the exit.
Then he’d go to the employee locker room and put on his pilot’s uniform.
Maybe there will be some new cults to fuck with when he lands in Chicago.

Weekly Challenge #679: POTATO CHIPS

Tinny

TOM

My Favorite Potato Chip

I grew up in Chicago home of Jay’s potato chips. A chips of such superiority its lingers to this day in my best memories of youth. Oddly the chip started out life as Mrs. Japp’s Chips after the founder Leonard Japp. The 1941 Attack on Pearl Harbor and the subsequent anti-Japanese sentiment, however, led to a negative connotation towards the word “Jap” in the United States. The chips were consequently rebranded to “Jays Potato Chips” to avoid the sound-alike name, and the company became Jays Foods, Inc. This was years before I was born. Company died in October 2007.

RICHARD

Chips

Our casino fell on hard times – poorly trained staff and lax security meant they were paying out well over the odds, and were well on the way to bankruptcy.

Then someone hit on the idea of replacing the poker chips with potato chips: Different flavours for different values, and although the punters were dubious to begin with, they soon came around to the new thinking.

The casino was soon back on track, and it really didn’t matter how much they were cashing out – the punters never walked out with full pockets…

They just couldn’t resist eating their profits.

SERENDIPIDY

Someone started putting razor blades in the potato chips.

Then it was needles in the noodles, splinters in the breakfast cereals and glass shards in the sanitary products.

Local businesses suffered badly. Even those where foreign articles hadn’t been found in the foodstuffs lost most of their customers almost overnight.

The police targeted the usual suspects – anarchists; those holding grudges; competing businesses, and eco-warriors.

However, they drew a complete blank, because of course, they were looking entirely in the wrong place, and I simply didn’t fit into their criminal profile.

Because, I was doing it just for kicks!

TURA

Potato chips
———
Workers are already hired, monitored, and fired by algorithm. But they still aren’t reliable. So we’re automating people, not jobs. Welcome to Parallel Organic Transmission and Autonomous TeleOperation. With the POTATO chip installed in the workers’ brains, a construction team can be directed by one manager, like the workers are his eyes and hands, and do the job faster and better. It doesn’t feel like taking orders. It feels like the purpose injected into your brain was your own idea. You’ll just do it.

The military are interested, but I think the big money will be in the sex industry.

NORVAL JOE

“What High school does Rhineheart go to?” Billbert asked as if it was a reasonable question.

Linoliumanda took her bag of potato chips and threw it at him. “What are you thinking? She said she thought you were Rhineheart. He’s in high school. This is junior high. Either Wanda, here, is out of her mind, or she has unstated intentions.”

“That’s okay, Lindeelooo. You believe what you want. Billbert and I have bigger fish to fry. Or should I say, ‘fly’.” Wanda winked knowingly at Billbert.

Billbert swollowed uncomfortably while Linoliumanda leaned to Wanda and hissed, “What do you know?”

PLANET Z

Potato chips are bad for you.
Really bad.
So many carbohydrates. So many calories.
It doesn’t matter what oil they’re fried in, or even if they’re baked.
They’re still bad.
Same with the kind of potato.
Any good that comes from a sweet potato is ruined by the oil.
And salt. That’s bad for you, too.
Same with those chemical flavorings and seasonings.
Just a bunch of chemicals some mad food scientist cooked up in a lab.
The only good thing to do to a potato is to stick arms and legs and eyes on it and play with it.

Singularity

After years of research, Doctor Odd invented The Singularity.
“You can upload your mind into this computer, and you’ll live forever,” he said.
The rich and famous gave him trillions of dollars as he hooked them to The Singularity and uploaded their minds.
Then, he turned off the machines, and sold their catatonic bodies on the organ transplant black market.
Some collectors asked about other uses for their bodies. The indecent proposals were shocking.
“That’s disgusting,” said Doctor Odd. “I may be a crook, but I’m not a sicko.”
Besides, he’d seen “Kill Bill.” God forbid Uma Thurman woke up.

Lord of The Pee

I liked The Lord of The Rings movies. And I liked The Hobbit trilogy, but not as much.
I saw all six movies in the neighborhood theater, but they were so long, I had to rush to the bathroom at some point during each one.
There’s websites out there that say when the best time to go is, but I never have to go right at that point.
So, as much as a large soda causes the problem, it’s also a part of the solution.
As long as I remember to wash it out before I get the free refill.

Soaring High

When I was little, my mother would lay on her back and lift me in the air.
I’d spread my arms, and pretend I was a a jet airplane.
“ZOOOOOOOOOOM!” said my mother.
“ZOOOOOOOOOOM!” I repeated. “I’m an airplane!”
“Now flap your arms,” my mother said. “You’re a bird. A big bird.”
I’d flap my arms and pretend I was a bird, flying high in the air.
And then…
“Put me down!” I’d shout. “Put me down.”
So, my mother lowered me to the ground.
Then I ran into the garage, dropped my pants, and shit on the car’s windshield.

The Ring To Rule Them All

“Where is the ring?” demanded Great Sauron.
After days of torture, the creature Gollum screamed “SHIRE! BAGGINS!”
Sauron sent out orcs to investigate.
Several weeks later, the orcs returned.
“Sorry, boss,” they said. “But we couldn’t find any place called Baggins.”
If Sauron could slap his face with his palm, he would.
“The place is called Shire, dumbasses,” said Sauron.
“Oh,” said the orcs. “Right.”
Sauron watched them leave and sighed.
“I should have made two rings to rule them all,” he muttered. “Next time, I’m making a backup.”
The Ringwraiths howled and swooped.
Sauron sent them out for pizza.

Message in a bottle

I wrote a note, put it in a bottle, and sealed it with a cork.
Then, I drove to the beach and parked the car.
It took a few minutes to walk to the shore.
The gulls were gliding in the breeze, circling over and over.
With all of my strength, I threw the bottle as far as I could into the water.
The bottle smashed against a rock.
I shrugged, walked back to the car, and drove home.
It’s not like they would have been able to read the note.
I was really, really drunk when I wrote it.

Kermit’s ancestors

Jim Henson found great success with Kermit the Frog, but he didn’t start with a green felt coat and a ping pong ball.
At first, Jim covered his hand with rubber cement and lit it on fire. He called it “Whoosh the Fire Guardian”, and as much as the kids loved it, it hurt like a son of a bitch.
Jim stopped lighting the rubber cement on fire, but he did roll his hand in broken glass. “Glitter the Huggable Fairy” got a lot of complaints from parents.
And then came Kermit.
Kinda boring. Well, when he’s not on fire.

Weekly Challenge #678: CHARGE

Adventuretinny

LIZZIE

The end of the bridge approached quickly and the jeep charged off the edge of the platform.
“There goes another pilot,” said the chief engineer, crossing his arms over his chest.
“We need a different solution for this,” said the director. “We cannot afford losing more pilots and, what’s worse, jeeps. We are stretching our resources thin as it is. I told you that it was a bad idea to test the brakes system at the bridge. It’s too high.”
“Yes, but you also said that you wanted to reorganize the staff, didn’t you?”
The director sulked and walked away.

RICHARD

Eco-worrier

Since buying an electric car, I’ve had to come to terms with the pitfalls of being eco-friendly.

It’s fine starting a journey with a fully charged battery, but I’ve learned from experience you have to plan carefully to ensure there’s somewhere to charge up again at your journey’s end.

I managed to run out of juice in the middle of the countryside. Thankfully, a passing farmer towed me to his farm and let me use his mains supply to get back on the road.

I asked him how much he wanted for his kindness. He laughed, and responded…

“No charge!”

JON

Ghost & Ghost Town

By

Jon DeCles

In 1898 the little town of Ziegler had 60 people, a planning mill and a saw mill, one cheese factory, one hardware store and one shoe store, and a Lutheran church. The Post Office delivered mail there three times a week. By 1909 it had a Post Office of its own.

Bob tried to trumpet the town to success, but feeling a stich below his rib cage he discovered a tick, and an infection that had eaten into his flesh. His pittance of an income was not enough for a doctor. History was to delete both him and the town.

TOM

Slightest Idea of Balance. —Cindy called her bank the Money Store. Never one to have the slightest idea of her balance. She had a fistful of charge cards and if one filled to the brim with debt she’d just go to the next one. All this was made possible by Sir Ralph Nedgrove the 33rd Earl of LandBastard. She was the only daughter of his oldest friend from Eton. Morris Swindle was a deep academic and an Oxford don with no family wealth behind him. Nedgrove never married, Cindy was the closest he’d come to an intentional niece. “It’s only money,” Ralph would muse.

SERENDIPIDY

Two things in life are certain: Taxes and death. However even after succumbing to one, you still won’t escape the other. Death has its own tax.

And I’m afraid the ferryman’s charge to cross The Styx has kept pace with inflation too. You’re won’t get away with a measly coin to pay for your journey. In fact, you should really start saving now to cover the cost of your final journey!

Of course, carrying large amounts of cash into the afterlife is awkward. But the ferryman now accepts bank transfers, all major credit cards, and Apple Pay!

Enjoy your journey!

TURA

Charge

———

At Lao’s Chinese Restaurant, the less you eat, the more you pay.

The All You Can Eat Buffet is $5. But mens’ eyes are hungrier than their bellies, and those who dine thus regret their choice— until the next time.

The All You Want To Eat Buffet costs $10. You must ask of each selection whether you truly want it, for every dish chosen implies many others untasted.

For the All You Should Eat Buffet, the charge is $20. You must choose only by the rule, what will make your body a better temple for the soul?

NORVAL JOE

PLANET Z

I used to fill up my truck every other week.
Now, I charge my plug-in hybrid car at work every weekday.
I’ve had the car for over three months.
I’ve only used half of a tank so far.
And that tank only holds seven gallons.
At some point, the gasoline will go bad.
So, I put the car into Sport Mode so it will burn more.
It’s a lot more fun to drive.
I have to floor it and get a little reckless to burn the gas off fast enough.
Man, pretending to be environmentally-friendly has never been more fun.

The Comatose Clown

It’s hard to tell when someone comes out of a deep coma.
For a while, they’re awake, but not quite aware or alert.
But then, can you really tell when someone else is there or not?
Fred was in deep for a few months before he came back out.
It took about two weeks of physical therapy before he could walk again.
Sure enough, as he was crossing the street, another bus hit him.
This time, he was down for good.
We dress him up in a clown outfit, makeup and all.
And wheel him around the pediatric oncology ward.