Lifeboats

The ship was sinking. Nothing could be done.
“Women and children first!” yelled the captain.
At first, the passengers were boarding the lifeboats, but some heated arguments broke out over what age constituted a child.
“Fifteen my ass! Your son has a beard!” shouted the crewman. “And male pattern baldness!”
Other lifeboats had a hard time deciding what constituted a woman. “Do we have any attorneys experienced in LGBT law here?” they asked.
In the end, everyone found a boat and was rescued by the Coast Guard.
The captain swore never to prioritize lifeboat boarding again.
Or hit an iceberg.

gAySL

Even though British English and American English are quite similar, British Sign Language and American Sign Language are extremely different.
In fact, French Sign Language is closer to American Sign Language than their British counterpart.
It has something to do with the symbols that each use to represent each concept or word.
Americans and French are more literal than the British, and they’re also sparing with the wild gestures.
As opposed to Gay Sign Language, which is simply fabulous, expressive, and requires a lot of flourishes.
Oh, and glitter. Can’t forget the glitter.
How can you possibly forget the glitter?

Game with the crowd

I could spend a hundred dollars on tickets…
I could spend another hundred dollars on a jersey and a hat…
I could spend twenty bucks on parking…
I could spend thirty bucks on beer and hot dogs…
But instead,
I spend a thousand dollars on a big television…
I spend another thousand dollars on a big sofa…
I spend a hundred dollars a month on cable…
I spend a few hundred dollars on electricity…
I spend twenty bucks on beer, popcorn, and cheese…
Just so I can watch the ballgame at home.
On my sofa.
With my happy, sleeping cat.

Flag Drag

Down there, at the convention hall.
Fanatics in their red, white, and blue dresses and suits and oversized floppy top hats, waving their flags.
Their finest flag drag, the more outrageous, the more patriotic they think they are.
Cheering and screaming. Louder and louder.
Pathetic.
it’s nothing more than a concentration camp for fools who still believe that the system works, run by those who know that the system doesn’t, because they’ve subverted and perverted it for personal gain.
Red, white, and blue instead of grey and white pajamas.
What if there were firing squads? What if there were ovens.

The Preacher

Ever seen The Preacher on television?
He also offers to accompany wanted suspects to the police station.
“The police will kill him if they see him,” he tells the family. “But if he turns himself in through me, I’ll protect him.”
But the truth is, The Preacher just wants to collect the reward.
Being a religious official, he can pocket that money tax-free.
Once the suspect is in custody, he rants and raves to the media.
And then goes home to champagne and steak.
The family calls. They ask for help in getting an attorney.
The Preacher blocks their number.

Doctor Odd’s Laundry

Vinegar, ammonia, and hydrogen peroxide are three things you can use to remove bloodstains from clothes.
But for a famous mad scientist like Doctor Odd, such simple chemistry is beneath him.
Nor is he willing to waste time arguing with the corner laundry. Their prices are unreasonably high, and use too much starch.
Instead, he uses his time machine to return to a time before the blood stained his clothes.
But, by protecting his earlier self, his future self ends up with the bloodstains.
Dr. Odd shrugs, changes clothes, puts on a smock, and heads back in time once again.

Weekly Challenge #667 – Pick Two – judge, delivery, your, lion, unicorn, cherry, Incense, if

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

Derp

LIZZIE

Your Lion
The family of sheep grazed placidly. Their life was simple. They slept, they ate, they slept, and everything in between. It was a normal sheep life.
Except for that black one. There’s always one who thinks he’s different.
The family rolled their eyes each time he tried to roar. The neighbor sheep laughed and called him “your little lion”. Mother sheep was absolutely furious.
The day the neighbor sheep were taken away to be slaughtered, begging for mercy, the little lion roared. The humans smiled and thought that was so cute, and spared the family’s life.
Who’s laughing now, huh?

RICHARD

Reality, not myth.

Don’t be too hard on me. It’s not like I’m that dentist who shot Cecil the lion.

In fact, I don’t endorse the needless killing of any animals – hell, if I didn’t enjoy eating meat so much, I’d even consider becoming vegetarian, (as long as I could still have bacon… And maybe, steak… And chicken).

But I’ll make an exception for unicorns.

Miserable, evil, smelly creatures: They deserve everything they get, and more besides.

Mythical is too good for them – I wish they were all extinct!

So yes, I shoot unicorns.

And dragons…

Don’t even get me started on dragons!

TOM

Raising The Dead

“Judging by the placement of the lion we know the lineage and judging by the unicorn we know the family but the present of the cherry gives us the royal personages king Author the Deliverer of lesser Britain in the year 2516. Lost in the incense and peppermint of time we call on your most noble name.”

“Did anything happen, Bruce?”

“Na.”

“Oh fuck, get me another parchment.”

Bruce tossed the pervious page in the corner and removed another from the gilded oak table. “Oh a three head squid and a marmot. This looks promising.” Chime the archbishop of Canterbury.

SERENDIPIDY

I signed up to Amazon Prime. I needed a service that would deliver on time, and according to my instructions.

I’d tried other options in the past, but the sort of things I order really can’t be left with a neighbour; not if you want to remain on good terms with them, or for that matter, still have neighbours. Neither could I afford to have parcels thrown over fences, or left unguarded on the porch.

Unfortunately, Amazon suspended my account.

Somehow, despite the ridiculous amount of packing materials, my lion escaped whilst in the van, and ate the delivery driver!

JON

Wonderland

By

Jon DeCles

The scent of the incense offered to nonsense was all that prevented Alice from being forced to judge between the Lion and the Unicorn in their fierce competition for the position of Laureate of the Kingdom of Hearts.

“The lovely breeze, your Majesty, provides a delivery of the scent of your cherry red roses exceeded only by the splendor of your Majesty’s presence!” Alice said, in the manner that her sister had taught her for kissing up to authority figures.

“Shall we have Cook make us some cherry tarts?” asked the King, timidly.

“Off to croquet!” cried the Queen.

JERRY

#667 Lion and Unicorn
——————————–

The lion and unicorn were playing in the field behind the house yesterday just before sunset. I know because that is when I take my evening walk around the two acre wood. I get to talk with my imaginary friends then. I don’t often see lions in this field and I must admit that I have never seen a unicorn. My friends agree. Pooh Bear, Piglet, Eeore, and Tigger tell me they have not seen a unicorn here before. I must go back now because if I don’t they will put me in that jacket that makes me hug myself.

DUANE

Pick two: judge & incense
Music by Aitua

The judge walked back and forth between the two pedestals.  On each stood a single stick of incense.  He had paced steadily for hours.  As he reached one stand the defense stiffened and their eyes would bulge.  As he approached the other, prosecutors would wipe the beads of sweat from their brow.  All eyes would follow the judge back and forth.

Back and forth.

Well after midnight the judge stopped, reached over and lit the incense before him.  The whole room sighed in relief that it had finally been decided.  It was the waiting and not knowing that was worst.

LAIEANNA

Just because you have one talent, one skill, something no one else
possesses doesn’t mean flaunt it.  When people thought I was crazy for
receiving alien messages directly to my brain, I was one in ten
thousand.  When they figured out it was true, I was a one and only.
The Buglorforbekup race had a lot to say to everyone, giving every
country advice and assignments, and the world followed orders, all to
make a safer, better place.  Our own utopia.  But in our desperation
for that improved life, we and really I, ultimately created
complacency for an easy invasion.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert waited for Roderick to leave before turning to Linoliumanda. “What? Are you mad at me?”
She shrugged and looked away. “No. Not mad. You shouldn’t judge what I’m going to say before I speak. If you’d given me a chance you’d see I wasn’t going to tell your secret.”
“I’m sorry. I guess I panicked.” He picked up Linoliumanda’s cherry red backpack, decorated with dancing unicorns and gryphons and handed it to her. “Thanks for standing up for me.”
She leaned close to him. “You can be sure. I’m not letting out the secret of my own private superhero.”

PLANET Z

The men could smack Jill around and say the most horrible things, but when it was time to fuck, she had to be on top.
“They can’t choke you that way,” she told her pimp.
The Russians came to town, looking for a party.
All of the girls were there.
One guy got a little carried away with the blonde kid from Omaha, his hands squeezing her throat, and Jill walked in on them.
He shot them both.
When the pimp buried their bodies in the woods, he threw in the kid, then Jill.
“Jill always on top,” he said.

Doctor Odd vs The Author

The famous writer Herbert Tosspot says never to piss off a writer, because they can torture and murder you over and over in their writing.
You should also not piss off famous mad scientist Doctor Odd, who invented a machine which tortures and murders people, then resurrects the victim back to a living, healthy, and conscious state.
Only to torture them again.
Herbert wrote a nasty biography of Doctor Odd.
So, Doctor Odd put Herbert in his machine, and it tortured and murdered Herbert over and over again.
The publisher, afraid for his own life, quietly burned all the books.

Home Theater

It costs five more dollars to see a movie in the super big screen theater.
Not only do you get the super big screen and an ultra digital high resolution picture, but the audio is diamond-clear surround sound. And the seats are the most relaxing and comfortable seats you have ever sat in.
But the popcorn is stale, the Cokes watered-down, and the bathrooms are disgusting.
Want to solve all that?
Watch the damn movie at home with a decent home theater system.
You can hit pause when you have to go to the bathroom.
Unless your seat’s a toilet.

The spiderman

Have you seen the spiderman.
No, not Spiderman. The spiderman. Lower case S.
He’s a homeless guy who hangs around Third Avenue.
Why is he called the spiderman?
Because he’s got spiders crawling all over him.
But don’t stare at him. Or take photos.
Because he’ll scoop up a wad of spiders and throw them at you.
It’s funny when you see him doing it to someone, throwing spiders at them.
Screaming and running all crazy, trying to swat the spiders away.
Until he catches you starting at him.
So, can you help me get these spiders off of me?