Back in Fifth Grade, the Math teacher taught us basic geometry.
She handed out a test with shapes on it.
“Name each shape,” she said.
When I saw a square, I called it a square.
When I saw a hexagon, I called it a hexagon.
And so on.
When I got my test back, I saw a big red F on it.
“All of the names” the teacher wrote in red.
The square was also a polygon, a quadrilateral, a rectangle, and a rhombus.
I called her all the names I thought she was, and landed in the principal’s office.
Sniper
Today’s lesson from Master Gallagher is how to shoot your target while facing a headwind.
One must ensure that the bullet is smooth and the balance is perfect.
Otherwise, it will corkscrew in the air and go wild.
To reduce this effect, you must fire from an absolute minimum safe distance.
Unlike calm days, when you can achieve greater accuracy from longer ranges.
Brace the rifle steady.
Take a beep breath, exhale, and squeeze the trigger gently.
The watermelon at the other end of the football field explodes.
“Grab your mallets,” he says, grinning. “It’s time for your next lesson.”
Dalton Trumbo
The irony
Of Dalton Trumbo’s
Johnny Got His Gun
Is that Dalton
Had been
Grievously injured
When a car
Hit him
And he lost his
Arms
Legs
And face
Leaving him
Completely helpless
And the only way
He could
Communicate
Was to fart
In Morse Code
It took a while
For the nurses
And doctors
To realize that
He was trying
To communicate
They fed him beans
And onions
And broccoli
All day long
While a troop
Of Boy Scouts
Handled the transcriptions
That’s how
He wrote the book
The critics
Said that it stunk
Tell that
To the Boy Scouts
Weekly Challenge #664 – Corner
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Serendipity
- Jerry
- Tom
- Jon
- Norval Joe
- Duane
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
Corner
Go to your corner, they said. And I did. I went to my corner. I was only a child and I had to obey.
Today, I am not a child anymore.
When they say, go to your corner, I laugh and walk away.
Today, I am an adult and my corner is not their corner. My corner is my place and it’s my world and it’s my people. My corner is not obeying anymore, no.
When they say, why have you changed so much, I laugh and walk away.
Today, I choose my corners and smile and live and shine.
RICHARD
Life Lessons
On reflection most of my time at school was spent outside the classroom.
If I wasn’t doing penance by standing in the corridor, I was waiting in the secretary’s office, sent to see the head teacher.
That was when I actually got to school in the first place: Often I’d bunk off for the day, or hang around the bike sheds well after break times and lunch had ended.
Even when I was in class, I’d usually find myself stood in the corner for misbehaving.
Miraculously, somehow I became a teacher.
And none of my classes will ever make those same mistakes!
SERENDIPIDY
They gave me the corner plot, as far from ‘decent folk’ as they could put me.
If they’d had their way, they’d have burned me at the stake and scattered my ashes far and wide; but civic duty prevailed, and I received a proper burial, although those attending only did so to ensure I was buried deep.
Not that it matters.
Every night, I dig myself out and head off into the night to continue my unspeakable work.
And every morning, before sunrise, I return to the darkness of the earth.
They really should have burned me at the stake!
JERRY
The howls of the wolfs sounded around the
Leaving the sheltering cave with its warm fire had been a bad mistake but I had to have food.
It had been three days since I ate the last of the dried berries.
I needed to find meat before weakness overcame me.
The howls of the
I was freezing.
I needed a corner to hide in, eat the squeaker, and get warm.
If I remembered my school lessons a corner was always 90 degrees.
TOM
God Rest Yee
In the corner laden with a layer of dust rested Timmy’s crutch. When Timmy’s grandchildren came to visit he would tell the tale of a Christmas long ago when the spirits of the holiday had soften the heart of his mentor Ebenezer. The youngest, Cindy Loo, ask if her grandpa was really that tiny a child. He smile and told her if it had been for his father’s employer he would have likely never grew any big. Cindy look confused. Timmy picked her up and place her on this shoulder. “Let go find some mistletoe.” Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence
JON
The Corner of the Year
By
Jon DeCles
I am so tired of people telling me Christmas is over, or trying to promote the buildup as the Twelve Days of Cashmas.The fact is, the Season of Christmas is defined as the time between the first Sunday of Advent (four weeks before Christmas Day) and the Epiphany, January Sixth. The Twelve Days of Christmas are the days between Christmas and Epiphany. We get this celebration, and the Christmas Carol, from England, so we can follow English practice. Twelfth Night is January Fifth. The night when we turn the corner of the cycle and don’t party for a while.
NORVAL JOE
The following Monday morning, Billbert waited for the school bus. Things appeared almost back to normal. His dad had finally stopped freaking out and his mother seemed to just shrug off the fact that someone had seen his superpower.
Until Linoliumanda rounded the corner. The second she saw Billbert, she ran for him and grabbed his hand. “Come on. Let’s fly to school.”
“Slow down,” Billbert said, nervously looking around and relieved to find no one else had come to the bus stop yet. “No one’s supposed to know about my superpower. Besides, I don’t have my plastic grocery bag.”
DUANE
Corner
It was hard to breathe. I stood with my back to the corner and tried to be invisible. The urge for flight or fight was kicking in along with a big dose of adrenaline. All I had was my guitar. I could use it as a weapon if I needed to. I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I started moving along the wall towards the hall. As I made the turn and started down the hall there was shouting. Someone yelled my name. I heard a crowd roar. I turned back and started forward, doing what I’ve always done.
PLANET Z
I used to work in an office with no windows.
But I’m moving to a corner office.
It has a beautiful view of the city and the sunsets are gorgeous.
Lots of natural light, which my doctor says I need much more of.
There’s a lot more room in there, too.
Even though two of the office’s walls are used up by windows, there’s the same amount of wall space available.
It’s perfect… for someone who isn’t terrified of heights.
I’m worried that if I lean back to far… just like this…
Wait. Did you hear a cracking sound, too?
Clothing Drive
I’d like to think that if Mickey Mouse ever wrote up a will, he’d leave his pants to Donald Duck.
Because it’s really rude, walking around without pants. Especially at a funeral.
There’s not much point in leaving his shoes to the duck. They probably won’t fit those big webbed feet.
And if Donald ever wrote up a will, he’d leave his sailor shirt to Mickey Mouse.
If Goofy died, he could leave his pants to Donald, and his vest to Mickey.
And his hat to Pete, because it looks so much friendlier than the bowler hat that Pete wears.
The Holy Lie
If Noah only brought two of every animal on the ark, the inbreeding would result in genetic diversity catastrophe and mass extinction.
DNA didn’t just magically appear when Watson, Crick, and their lab technicians saw its shadow and declared 6 more weeks of scientific discovery.
If God doesn’t miracle up solutions for zoos searching for breeding partners for their animals now, why would he do it then?
Because, just like every other goofy story in that book which defies rational explanation and scientific basis, it’s a lie.
Suck your thumbs, humanity. Cling to your security blankets.
And never grow up.
Life is a series of televisions
We started with a simple black and white tube television, maybe a foot across.
Then, we got a color television.
After that, a bigger one. With stereo.
The first television I had on my own was really a VCR with a computer color monitor.
But after that, I got a nice one with a big picture tube.
And when it was stolen, a bigger one.
I moved around a bit, and settled in with my wife’s television.
Until we bought a new one. Then a flat panel.
Which is in front of the treadmill, replaced by yet another flat panel.
Rock Bottom
When you hit rock bottom
We were there for you
And when you clawed your way back up
Out of that hole
We didn’t mind
That your nails
Dug deep into our flesh
Drawing blood
It hurt
But
What’s pain, anyway?
Anything to help you
Get out of the darkness
And back on your feet
When you finally
Got back on your feet
The first thing you did
Was kick us all in the balls
And the teeth
And walk off
Tall and
Proud?
Next time
We just send
Thoughts and prayers
They’re free
And easy
and meaningless
Like you
Beethoven the Monster
Beethoven was a brilliant composer.
He was also an master on the piano.
Other composers tried to steal his work and pass it off as their own.
But Beethoven’s works were so hard to play, they couldn’t manage to play them.
Composers would break their fingers and fracture their wrists in the attempt.
One had such a hard time following the notes on the page, his eyes became permanently damaged.
And then there was piece which resulted in violinists spearing the piano-playing thief of a composer through the heart with their bows.
Brilliant man, Beethoven, but a total fucking sociopath.
Turkey bacon
Writers write with pen, paper, typewriters, and computers.
Some use text to speech, where they talk, and they get text.
Voice recognition is much better these days.
Forget speech to text. I want speech to bacon.
I want to be able to say “Bacon” to a machine, and have the machine print bacon.
Fully-cooked, crispy bacon.
What would you load such a machine with?
Raw bacon? Pigs?
Certainly not turkey meat, because turkey bacon is not bacon.
When I say “Bacon” I want bacon, not turkey bacon.
And when I say “Turkey Bacon” I want bacon. Because I said “Bacon.”