Don’t get me wrong… Superband is one of the greatest bands of all time.
And each of their members has stood out during their solo careers.
But year after year, fans began to notice that Superband’s performances at The Grammy’s were far better than their touring concerts.
Instead of doing their best for millions of paying fans across the world, concerts were just the annoying interruptions of their orgies, drinking binges, and drug overdoses.
Giving their all for a theater full of record producers, promoters, and fellow musicians that had to be bribed into coming with expensive gift bags.
Lazy Susan
The origin of the name Lazy Susan has been lost to history, but we can offer an educated guess that it may come from a hostess too lazy to pass the salt, pepper, and other condiments to her dinner guests.
Some say that the Susan is, in fact, Susan Sarandon, who as a struggling actress worked as a nude waitress at an exotic restaurant. She was too lazy to carry dishes, so chefs would smear her body with food, and she’d roll around on the table, offering each guest a lick.
Hose her off, and send out the next course!
Bumping uglies
Back in high school, rumor had it that Jenny and Fred would go under the bleachers and bump uglies.
But rumors are rumors, and I knew this was total bunk.
I’d eaten out Jenny a few times, and she had the prettiest pussy I’d ever seen.
I’d blown Fred a few times, too, and his penis was a beautiful sight.
And both kept their bushes immaculately trimmed. Not a hair out of place.
Never managed to score a threesome. Two’s company, and three’s a crowd, after all.
That didn’t stop me from giving them each an A in my class.
McPrey
McDonalds used to only serve breakfast until five minutes before you got there.
Now, they serve breakfast all day long.
But not the entire menu. Most locations don’t have enough grill space for it all.
So, one restaurant serves pancakes. The other makes hash browns.
The one that does Egg McMuffins does eggs and muffins, too.
You have to roam from store to store to get your entire order.
The entire nation, driving in their SUVs, like nomads and hunter-gatherers.
Searching for the ever-elusive hash browns and breakfast burritos.
Sit by the soda fountain, wait with spears poised to strike!
Weekly Challenge #633 – RATCHET
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
JON
The Economics of Architecture
By
Jon DeCles
It was such a wonderful invention, thought Giles as he turned the ratchet just a notch and listened to Geoffrey’s screams. Before some clever torturer had invented the rack, this kind of pain could only be inflicted on a prisoner by hanging him by his wrists from the ceiling and slowly adding weights to his ankles. That, in turn, required a pretty high ceiling from which to do the hanging, and that meant you had to build a dungeon with a vault as high as the average great hall, which was a very wasteful use of stone, wood, and mortar.
NORVAL JOE
Bilbert took the plastic grocery bag and cut two holes in the bottom. He pushed his legs through the holes and carefully pulled it up.
“Only a homeless person would wear a grocery bag,” he said as he walked to the back yard.
He knew he must look completely ghetto, or ratchet, as his cousin from New Orleans used to say.
Not wanting to hit his head on the ceiling, he stepped outside and looked up into the branches of the maple tree above him.
Next thing he knew, he was hovering among the leaves, twenty feet above the ground.
TOM
Rat Chet
Chet had no honor. Everyone who had taken him into their confidence were soon betrayed. When maximum density was reached in his small village he was strapped to a pillory and the letters R-A-T were branded on his forehead with a red hot iron. His last remaining friend gave him money for passage to France. Settling- in in Paris he took up the profession of rodent exterminator. If paid well, he became rich, and soon a member of the French court. Marquis Rongeur never lost his tendency to rat folk out, thus, an early victim of the reign of terror.
SERENDIPITY
Few people appreciate the difficulties those of us in the hurting and killing professions face daily.
It’s not just the constant hiding of evidence and running from the cops that make it such a stressful occupation: Blood soaked clothing means sky high laundry bills, for a start; and you’d be amazed at how prevalent repetitive strain injury is, as a result of constantly hacking away at bodies for easy disposal.
That’s why I invented the ‘Ratchet Hatchet’™ – a labour saving device that takes the strain out of removing limbs.
Not coming to a home shopping channel any time soon!
CHARLIE
When I grew up in New Orleans, everyone thought I was a ratchet, and that I would never make anything of myself.
Today, in my early twenties, I am a Certified Arch Support Technician for the largest woman’s shoe emporium in town. When a customer comes to my kiosk in the back of the store, I can see their problem before they say a thing. Most of those that have bad feet are a hundred pounds over weight.
I ask them to sit, and then I slather on hand sanitizer up to my armpits, and under my watch and bracelets.
#2
I had to borrow a ratchet to tighten the main universal on my dildonic device. It had loosened way outside of spec after the bachelorette party with the ladies.
I torqued the base, arms, grippers to spec, and plugged it in. Next, I called the main sex hub and asked them to run a test series on the device. It whirred, spun, then, when warmed up it went into full operation.
Myrna was at the house for the day, insisting on testing it. She had me wait in the other room. A minute passed and I heard a frenzied scream.
JEFFREY
Suspense
by Jeffrey Fischer
“It was night.”
No, you need the opening to be punchier, more suspenseful. Give it another try.
“It was a dark and stormy night.”
Better, but maybe ratchet up the suspense even a little more.
“It was a really, really dark and especially stormy night.”
That’s not exactly what I…
“As soon as it got dark, the frustrated author killed the annoying editor with his pen.”
Better, better. How about changing “killed” to “stabbed” – or even “slaughtered”? Wait, we can talk this over… “killed” is just fine… what are you -”
RICHARD
Slow and sure
Growing old and slowing down never suited grandpa – especially the slowing down bit.
He used to grumble constantly that his stair lift was too slow, and that he had a good mind to make his own modifications to speed it up. I told him to leave it be, but he never took any notice.
I’ve no idea what he used to replace the old ratchet mechanism, but I do know it was way too powerful, and that somehow he got the gearing all wrong.
Last we heard of him, he was headed for the earth’s core, at breakneck speed!
LIZZIE
Rest assured. This will not happen again, you said.
Aim for the future and don’t look back, hey? May those sorrows stay in the past, you said. Bury them deep. What you did cannot be undone, can it?
Time will tell, of course. Time will tell.
Call upon the meek, you must. Their sorrowful, all-forgiving smiles will free you.
Haul and cry if you must. Haul and cry. They’ll forgive you.
Each new day will bring new hope, we hope. You hope.
Then, it’ll be the end. Where? Right there. Find the place. Rest assured. This will not happen again.
PLANET Z
She picked up the ratchet off of the garage workbench, walked up behind Bobby, and smacked him in the back of the head.
He fell to the ground, dead.
She washed off the ratchet and put it back in the set,
Then, she called the police.
By the time they got there, she was gone.
The police took photographs and measurements, collected things to check for fingerprints.
But they found nothing. No sign of her.
Bobby got zipped up in a body bag and hauled into the back of a van.
The house went on the market, are you interested?
Never get
Never get an apartment near the parking lot. You’ll hear car alarms go off all night.
Never get an apartment near the dumpsters. You’ll hear the clang of people throwing out garbage.
Never get an apartment near the laundry room. You’ll hear people kick the machines and yell.
Never get an apartment near the rental center. You’ll hear people beg for an extension on their rent.
Never get an apartment near the basketball court or pool. People party there all the time.
Never get an apartment. Just rent a house, if you can’t afford to buy one.
People suck.
Damned lawyer bar
My favorite restaurant
Had a salad bar
A great salad bar
But they had to get rid of it
Too many salads
Drinking themselves under the table
That’s what an endless salad bar is
After all
Salads drinking
And getting drunk
Drunk salads
Driving home
Getting into wrecks
Widowed salads
Left to raise their baby lettuce
Without their breadstick winners
Suing the restaurant
It’s not their fault
Fucking lawyers
Ruining everything
Then they come here
To this restaurant
Order a salad
And bitch that the salad bar is gone
They should drink
And drive
And wreck
And die
Fucking lawyers
George the First
Curious George isn’t the first monkey owned by The Man In The Yellow Hat.
Bobo liked to chew on electrical cords.
Poppy got into the medicine cabinet.
Cheetah attacked a policeman during a walk in the park.
Tipsy was really nice, but suffered from a rare genetic disorder that caused him all kinds of chronic problems as he got older.
The Man In The Yellow Hat backed over Tipsy with his car.
He says it was an accident, and he loved Tipsy, but chimpanzee medical bills can cost a fortune.
So, be curious, Curious George, but don’t be a dick.
The Eighty-Five Bears
The Eighty-Five Chicago Bears.
Greatest team ever.
Heroes forever.
But bodies, broken by battle, don’t last.
Their commanders fall to dust.
One day.
Mike Ditka will die.
And when he gets to Heaven.
To face his maker.
God will stuff him into a football.
And hand him to Walter Payton.
Who will run the ball in for a touchdown.
On every play.
In the Super Bowl.
Every Super Bowl.
Past, present, and future.
Call his number.
Put four men on him.
Five. Six.
All eleven men.
Every man you can throw at him.
Touchdown. Touchdown.
Payton scores his touchdown.
Cubit
The cubit is the distance from the bottom of the elbow to the tip of the middle finger.
This was an ancient Egyptian unit of measurement, along with the finger, foot, fist, and spam.
But surveyors had different body measurements, so measurement was a somewhat inaccurate science.
Standardization came when the pharaoh insisted that the measurements be based off of his body measurements.
However, it wasn’t easy getting time with the pharaoh to measure land or cloth.
And he tended to execute surveyors who dragged him around in the mud.
So, they found a similarly-built surveyor, and dragged him around.