Cole Porter suffered a horrible horse riding accident in his thirties, and the doctors recommended that his leg be amputated.
Cole refused, and he lived in agonizing pain for years, unable to match his songwriting success from before the accident.
He eventually had his leg amputated, but Cole never wrote another song again.
The amputated leg, however, was now on its own. No longer shackled to a pill-popping sex-crazed songwriter, it went on to write many amazing songs.
The problem is, nobody could read the damn sheet music, no matter how steady the leg kept the pen between its toes.
Tag: history
The Angels
Michelangelo said that he saw the angel in the marble, and carved until he was set free.
As for the basement of hookers that he’d brutally stabbed and eviscerated, well, Michelangelo claimed that he’d seen angels in them, but when he carved each of them up, he’d realized his mistake.
At first, the Pope wanted to have Michelangelo arrested and tried for murder, but instead, he asked Michelangelo if he heard any angels coming from his political rivals.
Sure enough, he did.
So, the Pope had the bodies quietly removed, and let the homicidal artist continue on with Papal patronage.
Newjerseytology
If Egyptology is the study of ancient Egyptian history, does that mean there’s a Newjerseytology that studies ancient history in Jersey?
My cousin Vinnie from Red Bank keeps saying “Oh, that’s ancient history!” so I asked him if he had a degree in Newjerseytology.
“From the School Of Hard Knocks,” said Vinnie, and he lifted his shirt to show me a scar he got at a Giants game.
Okay, so exploring pyramids isn’t exactly the same as winning tickets at skeeball, but my Aunt Rita knows this guy who can get us tires on the cheap, so don’t knock it.
Gravy
IT is important. IT connects people with each other and to the resources they need.
Without IT, you’re not an organization or connected.
Heck, without IT, Sir Isaac Newton would have discovered gravy, not gravity.
As much as I love gravy, it would be really messy with all that gravy, floating out of its gravy boat and getting all over everything in sticky delicious blobs.
Thank goodness it was an apple that fell on Newton’s head, and not a gravy boat.
Those things are expensive, not to mention the brain damage one could cause such a fertile mind as Newton.
Braintree
The origin of the name of the city of Braintree is lost in time, but historians believe that it comes from “Branoc’s Tree.”
Branoc was a farmer who lived in a massive treehouse, so massive that his whole family and all of his cousins and neighbors lived in it, too.
In the center of this massive tree was a glowing, pulsating brain, which acted as mayor, judge, and object of worship.
Wait… did you mean Braintree in England or in Massachusetts?
Massachusetts? Shit.
Those jerks just stole the name from those freaks up in the tree.
Stupid thieving colonist bastards.
Hobson
Long ago, a stable owner named Hobson insisted that customers take the horse closest to the stable door so his best horses wouldn’t get worn out.
Some customers protested, but in the end, horses are horses, right?
If a horse caused problems, he sold it or slaughtered it for meat.
Things went well for many years, until he decided to sell the stable and retire.
For the rest of his life, Hobson spent his time whoring it up at the local brothel.
Whenever Hobson came by, they lined up by the door.
And he fucked whatever whore he wanted to.
The Wrong Watson
James Watson was a diligent lab assistant, but his boss liked to smoke opium. Instead of inventing the telephone, he’d get stoned and pretend to be Sherlock Holmes.
“The game is afoot!” shouted Alexander Graham Bell into the receiver.
Watson walked down the hall and into Bell’s office. “What did you say?” he said.
Bell would laugh, pick up the violin, and play.
Badly.
Later, Bell shouted “Does LeStrade have another case for us?” into the receiver.
“Yes,” shouted Watson back. “It’s the case of Shut The Fuck Up And Invent The Telephone.”
Bell smiled, and then invented the bitchslap.
The duel
Stephen A. Douglas and Abraham Lincoln’s debates are legendary, but do you know of the time when Douglas demanded a duel?
Lincoln, considerably taller than Douglas, felt that the size difference afforded his opponent an unfair advantage.
“I’m a much bigger target than he,” said Lincoln.
The referee for the duel had the two men stand face-to-face. Then, he pulled out a piece of chalk, and drew a line on Lincoln’s chest at the top of Douglas’ head.
“Any shots which go over this line will not count,” he said.
Douglas laughed.
Lincoln grabbed both pistols and shot them both.
Plymouth
While on a trip to New England, I asked my mother what the difference was between a stone and a rock.
“A rock is natural,” she said. “A stone’s been worked on.”
“So why is it Plymouth Rock instead of Plymouth Stone?” I asked.
“Because Plymouth Rock wasn’t really worked on,” she said. “Although, they did break it apart and moved it around a few times. And souvenir-seekers have been breaking off pieces of it for years. Oh, and they carved the year into it. So, technically, it should be Plymouth Stone.”
I think historians have rocks in their heads.
Rotten Eggs
Around Christmastime, people make a deal of Santa trackers. And the weatherman likes to add a Santa animation to the Doppler radar.
But when it comes to the Easter Bunny, does anybody watch that varmint?
No.
They really ought to. Because bunnies can be nasty little creatures, and they have really sharp teeth.
And Easter Eggs have a pretty short shelf life. As pretty as the dye and glitter job is, you do not want to tear open and eat a hard-boiled egg that’s been sitting at the bottom of Peter Cottontail’s basket all night.
Stick to the chocolate ones.