Two Doses Of Candy

Unlike other houses in the neighborhood, Doctor Odd makes his own candy for Halloween.
And it’s the best candy. In the world.
Kids flock from miles around to ring his doorbell and beg for his candy.
Some kids try to trick or treat his house twice. Or they trade their entire haul for a second helping of his candy.
One dose of the secret ingredient induces euphoria in a child. But two doses?
“The warning label clearly states that two servings may cause death,” says Doctor Odd’s attorney.
And this is why The Day Of The Dead comes after Halloween.

Pills

I used to be afraid all the time.
The pills help with the fear.
Sometimes.
They cost a lot. And I need them to work.
But the insurance I have through work won’t pay for them.
So, I get pills and things that they will pay for, like birth control pills. or gum and patches that help smokers, and I sell them.
The money pays for the pills I need, and I don’t feel afraid all the time.
So I can work. To get the things I need to sell to get the pills.
I should just go on disability.

Aloe

We drove up to College Station to watch the Aggies play Rice.
The Aggies won, but I got to yell WE SCORED FIRST!
It was a hot day, like every season opener at Kyle Field, and the sunblock was just a way to feel slimy while my skin burned.
When I got home, I stripped everything off and sat in a tub full of sudsy water and aloe gel.
Ohhhhhhh how wonderful it feels.
Better than Jack Daniels, kittens, and porn.
I will soak in this tub for a week.
Until the next game, of course.
(I need more aloe.)

Break

My wife is going out of town to visit her sister.
The last time she visited her, I went out on my bike to get groceries.
On the way back, I fell off my bike and broke my elbow.
This time, I’m not going to ride my bike.
And I’m not going to go get groceries.
Instead, I’m going to hole up in the living room and order pizzas for a week.
There’s no way I’ll break my arm now. As long as I don’t trip over empty boxes. Or violently piss off a delivery driver with a crappy tip.

Facelessbook

Okay, so there’s this one woman in the news who got attacked by her pet chimpanzee.
By the time the cops arrived and got the chimp off of her, it had torn off her face and eaten it.
Somehow, she survived, but without a face, her Facebook account was terminated.
“It’s called Facebook for a reason,” said Mark Zuckerberg. “You have to have a face.”
So, she signed up for face transplant surgery, and surgeons gave her a donated face.
“Okay, it’s ugly, but you can use Facebook,” said Zuckerberg.
But after hundreds of bullying wall posts, she quit again.

Lose My Keys

I lose my keys a lot.
Enough that I had to buy a new lock for my front door that works with an app on my phone.
Except that there’s one thing I lose more often than my keys: my phone.
I had to go buy another lock which was voice-activated, but I caught a cold and lost my voice.
Fingerprint scanners are great, unless you burn your finger cooking dinner.
And retina scanners don’t work on the blind.
Still, that’s the route I took.
I just wish that my seeing eye dog Rufus would learn to use the scanner.

ER

Poor people couldn’t afford to go to their family doctor for minor issues, so they went to the Emergency Room at the county hospital.
Then, they ignored the bill from the hospital.
The county funded a set of neighborhood clinics to deal with this problem, but people kept going to the ER.
So, the county stationed a guy with a sledgehammer at the door, and he only let real emergencies in.
“Doesn’t the Hippocratic Oath say that doctors can’t do harm?” complained a social activist.
“I’m not a doctor,” the sledgehammer-guy said.
And he brained the activist with his hammer.

Aborted

Lawmakers in Ohio just passed a law that requires women seeking abortions to see a sonogram of their fetus before they can get an abortion.
And in Florida, they make them climb a 25 foot rope. Without using their feet, too.
Just to outdo them both, Texas is pondering a rule that requires written permission from the fetus himself or herself.
Somehow, in all this madness, California decided to open the gates and legalize everything.
First, Second, Third Trimester? All’s legal!
Which, if you consider how awful most Californians are, it makes you wish they’d done that a lot sooner.

The Counselors

After the bomb went off, they rescued as many as they could from the rubble.
The doctors and surgeons did the best they could. But it wasn’t enough.
That’s when the counselors took over.
Repeat after me:
I am not a victim.
I am not a casualty.
I am not a statistic.
I will live on.
Remember these sixteen words.
And only these words.
They will get you through this.
And then the counselors went through the survivors.
The next day, they’d picked out the ones who were fading, and they harvested their organs.
You will live on.
In them.

Quit smoking

I tried to quit smoking.
My friend gave me some gum. Whenever I felt like smoking, I’d chew the gum.
After three days, I threatened to throw a crying baby in front of a train.
My friend suggested that I carry a baby doll, and when I felt like throwing a crying baby in front of a train, throw the doll instead.
It worked, but after three days, I wanted to brain my neighbor with a meat axe for playing his records so loud at night.
My friend handed me a meat axe.
“Go ahead. It’s pissing me off too.”