Some eggs are hard-boiled in their faith.
Those are easy to paint and put in the basket.
Then we can shuck them for later.
Others have no faith at all. They’ve been poked with holes, and everything blown out.
Those are just empty husks that we can glue shiny glitter to.
Then there’s the eggs in the middle. The ones that haven’t been hard-boiled or blown-out.
I call them the eggnostic eggs.
Can’t paint them, or they rot.
Can’t glue anything to them either.
I just crack them on the bowl, scramble them up, and pour ’em in the skillet.
Tag: religion
Handstamp
Dante wrote that the gates of Hell are inscribed with: “Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.”
It used to be only in Italian, but now it’s in dozens of languages.
But that’s all on the outside of the gates.
The inside reads: “You will need to get your hand stamped for re-entry on same day fare.”
People entering Hell sometimes see that and wonder if it’s possible to leave Hell because of that.
“Can I get my hand stamped?” these people ask.
The Devil laughs at these fools. “Didn’t you read the first sign?”
Then he laughs more.
Love Gone Wrong
Everywhere, I see bumperstickers that say JESUS LOVES YOU.
Shit.
Yeah, Jesus and I had a thing back in the day.
It got weird. And then creepy.
I told him to take a hike.
He was all like “FINE!”, but he started following me everywhere, showing up everywhere I went.
Coincidence, my ass.
Then he killed my fish. Turned the water in the aquarium to wine.
I called the cops, but they told me to change the lock.
After that, Jesus threatened to kill himself.
I said “Go ahead.”
And he did.
But the asshole came back three days later.
Kosher Maggots
Maimonides counted 613 commandments in the torah.
Number 185 prohibits people from eating non-kosher maggots.
Does this mean there are kosher maggots?
Nothing on the Internet.
So, I asked my rabbi, but he called me a noodnik and told me to leave.
Then I went to the grocery store to look for some.
The kid at the register thought I said “Faggots” and called the cops.
That’s when I looked up Maimonides.
He lived in the 12th Century.
Perhaps all the kosher maggots were eaten to the point of extinction.
Just like the kosher lobster and shrimp.
Stupid medieval bastards.
Forgiveness
The Devil woke up, got out of bed, and went door to door asking everyone for forgiveness.
Most people wouldn’t answer the door.
Some would open the door, but leave the chain latched, and they’d listen. Then, they’d say no, or they’d say they don’t think they are allowed to forgive him.
“Anyone can forgive,” The Devil would say. But this never convinced anyone to forgive him.
Sometimes, a child would answer the door, and they’d forgive him, but children are innocent.
So, The Devil looked in their eyes, and he taught them Evil.
For that, he never forgave himself.
School Days
For centuries, Catholics called the Jews “Christ-killers.”
I didn’t know this until I was sent to private school.
A Catholic school. The only private school in the area.
I didn’t have to go to Mass. Instead, I was sent to Study Hall.
I’d read quietly, until the bullies showed up.
“I’ll tell the headmaster,” I said.
“He’s the one who sent us,” grinned O’Brien.
I stabbed him in the face.
After I finished with the others, I went to see the headmaster.
“Self-defense,” I said.
He confessed to molesting those boys, and thanked me for helping to cover that up.
Menorah
The kids hate going to visit their Grandmother in the rest home.
I don’t blame them. She was a royal bitch before the stroke, not much better now.
But if I don’t teach them to respect their elders, how will they treat me and their mother if something happens to us when we get old?
“See that pretty menorah?” I tell them. “We wouldn’t have it if your grandmother hadn’t have smuggled it out of Poland. Shoved up her ass.”
Okay, so she bought it for a wedding gift. And it’s fucking ugly.
But it sure shuts the kids up.
Holiday Letters
The Post Office started Operation Santa Claus a few years back, where people could volunteer to answer letters that kids wrote to Santa Claus and stuck in a mailbox.
So, I signed up for it.
Now, I get stacks of letters to read, asking for all kinds of things.
I respond to every one of them with a simple form letter:
SANTA DOESN’T EXIST
And I sign it with my name, then I stick my response in the mail.
My son thinks I’m nuts for wasting my time on this, but it sure beats the hell out of answering prayers.
Huevos
I thought about making up my own religion, but decided that it was easier to just corrupt an existing one.
So, I found a small town in Ecuador and, through trickery and technological sorcery, convinced the people that the Easter Bunny was real, and he demanded painted eggs as sacrifices.
Any home without decorated eggs gets a visit from the bunny, and he steals the testicles of all the men.
After a few years, I went back to the town.
All the men had painted their balls bright colors.
Next time, I hire a professional translator instead of using Google.
Chili
Jenny thought that God would save her from Jimmy, but the harder she prayed for a miracle, the worse Jimmy beat her.
So, one day, she put rat poison in the chili she cooked for dinner.
Jimmy came home from work, and without saying hello or anything, began to eat.
Jenny watched him, waiting for Jimmy to clutch his throat and die.
“Quit starin at me,” said Jimmy, and he took a knife and stabbed her with it.
Up in Heaven, Jenny asked God what the fuck happened.
“I did send a miracle,” said God. “I neutralized the rat poison.”