Ted was one of the best second basemen in the game, so when he hung up his spikes for good, his team retired his number seven.
Not just the number seven jersey. They retired it from the batting averages and RBI counts and all that crap the geeks love to obsess about, too. If they scored seven runs, it was “a lot.” Drove the statisticians insane.
Oh, and the seventh inning? That was called “the inning between the sixth and eighth.”
The front office reversed their decision when the accountants couldn’t calculate revenues, and the staff bitched about messed-up paychecks.
Tag: silly
PR Guy
The Lorax told The Onceler that he spoke for the trees.
A few months later, all the trees were gone, and The Lorax was out of a job.
He lifted himself into the sky, where he flew back to the PR firm he worked for in New York.
“Well, that ended badly,” said his boss. “And those trees haven’t paid any of our invoices, either.”
The Lorax was handed a “rehab” account to get him back on track, and he did well with it.
Then, a tobacco company.
“Shit,” said The Lorax.
“You again?” asked The Onceler, smoking a cigar.
Crowns
In the Kingdom Of Brand, everybody wears a crown except for the king.
Brand is a fairly wealthy region, with many productive gold and silver mines.
Since coins are fairly useless in a rich country, people turned all the excess precious metal into crowns.
At first, the king commissioned a bigger crown, but everybody wanted bigger crowns, too.
Pretty soon, everybody’s neck and back were sore.
The wise king took off his crown, and he never put it back on again.
As for everybody else, well, they’re just stupid.
And bald. So, to cover up their heads, they wear crowns.
Race To The moon
It’s a race to the moon.
Our team against theirs.
First team to the moon wins.
They have experience.
But we have the numbers.
The contest judge yells GO!
I open the first can of beans.
And shovel them into my mouth.
The other team duct-tapes one ladder to another.
“More ladders!” yells the other team. “More duct tape!”
I eat another two cans of beans before they get another ladder.
“It’s so close!” yells the man at the top of their ladder. “More!”
That’s when the beans kicked in.
No, I didn’t reach the moon.
But they tasted good.
Idioms
I told a blind woman that she was easy on the eyes.
She tried to slap me. And missed. Because she’s blind.
I told a man with no legs to quit dragging his feet and get the job done.
Damn, his motorized wheelchair was fast.
I had to run up a flight of stairs to get away from him.
I told a mute person that they were like music to my ears.
But they couldn’t hear me.
Still, they could read my lips.
And they punched me in the face.
The guy without legs ran me over with his wheelchair.
Flight Insurance
I need to fly somewhere.
What? Do I want insurance?
Well, let me take a look.
One insurance plan offers insurance that pays benefits if you die on an airplane.
Another insurance plan offers insurance that pays benefits if you die in a terrorist attack on an airplane.
The second plan costs more, despite the fact that the first plan overlaps the terms of second plan.
Why do people buy the second?
Because they’re afraid? And stupid?
But I’m going to buy it anyway.
Because I could do this through GoToMeeting.
Instead of flying there.
But I’m afraid. And stupid.
The Same Shoes
I tend to buy the same New Balance shoes every fall.
It’s a force of habit, the same shoes.
There’s the outline of an N on the sides. N. For New Balance.
But it looks like a Z.
Maybe it is a Z.
What does it stand for?
Zip? Zoom?
I don’t know.
It’s time to buy new shoes.
The treads are wearing out on my current pair.
One day, New Balance will stop making these shoes.
I’ll have to buy another kind of shoe.
But until then, I’ll wear these.
With the outline of an N on the sides.
Dishwasher Safe
Tina was one of those “special” kids.
Looked totally normal from the outside. No limp or big forehead, or tubes sticking out of her. Okay, maybe going everywhere with her Betsy Wetsy was a bit off.
She was just kinda slow.
Her parents tried hard to “mainstream” her with routines and chores: clean her room, vacuum the floors, do the dishes. That kind of thing.
When her dolly got messy from being dragged in the mud, she could run her through the dishwasher herself.
As for the kids she was supposed to be babysitting, that’s for a jury to decide.
After Brown
After Encyclopedia Brown went off to college, the next kid to become the town know-it-all was Glossary Jones.
This kid knew a whole bunch of obscure terms and jargon, but he kept them to himself until the other kids would solve the mystery.
Then there was Footnote Martin. Every now and then, he’d make a comment about something, or provide some obscure reference that nobody had time to look up.
Finally, there was Almanac Lewis. He was always blithering useless trivia and weather tables.
“Just call the goddamned police,” people say now. “They’re incompetent, but at least they’re not annoying.”
Toilet Rings
The doorbell never rings.
I tore out the wire years ago.
Got sick of people ringing it.
The phone never rings.
I pulled the wire out of the wall years ago.
Got sick of people calling.
The toilet never rings.
Because toilets don’t ring.
Well, most toilets.
But after reading about some toilets that the Japanese make, with their fancy perfume sprays and seat warmers, I bet there’s a toilet out there that rings.
Why does it ring?
I don’t know.
But it does. And it’s probably horribly expensive.
No, my toilet doesn’t ring.
(I have it set to vibrate.)