Ted wasn’t just a designer. He was a famous and successful designer.
Ted’s doorstops were the best doorstops available. They performed great and looked great.
Same with his potholders. And his toilet brushes. And countless other helpful accessories.
They were best-selling products.
When he was called the best designer in the world, his closest rival called bullshit.
And he designed the perfect door, which didn’t need a doorstop. A pot that no longer needed a potholder. Self-cleaning toilets.
Every one of Ted’s designs were now useless.
Manufacturers ignored the rival. Because they could sell the crap products AND Ted’s junk.
Tag: work
Half Day
My secretary Mary is talking a half-day today.
“Are you taking the morning off or the afternoon off?” I ask her.
She laughs. “I’m taking the even minutes off.”
I ask her what the hell that means.
She puts her hand in my face “I’m off the clock.”
“Off the clock?”
She doesn’t respond… so, I wait.
Eventually, she gets back to typing.
“Odd minute. I’m back to work.”
And she types for a minute… then stops.
I gather up some cardboard boxes and put them by her desk.
“Now you’ve got the whole day off,” I say. “You’re fired.”
Kona Wired
The owner of the company came back from Hawaii with a suitcase full of bags of coffee.
This isn’t suspicious at all to airport security. They just perform the usual agricultural inspection.
He gave me a bag of ground Kona as a gift.
I thanked him, and when I got home, I brewed a cup to try.
That was eight hours ago. I’m sitting in the tub, wired beyond all capacity to sleep.
It was only one cup. And what a cup it was!
I think I’ll have another.
It’s not like I’m going to be able to sleep, right?
Flexible Spending
My flexible spending plan won’t let me spend money on my pet’s flea medication.
So, I claimed that the flea medication was for me.
“I’m pretty hairy,” I said, showing off my hairy arms and back. “I get fleas.”
That wasn’t good enough.
So, I put on a dog suit and claimed that I was one of these cosplayer weirdos. And my costume was so good, fleas mistook me for a real dog.
I got a letter from the insurance company that denied my claim again.
That’s when I bit the mailman on the leg.
And got my claim approved.
Christmas Party
Every year, the company has a Christmas Party, but it’s earlier and earlier every year.
“All the good places get booked in advance,” says the owner of the company. “So, it’s harder and harder to book a place for the holidays.”
Which doesn’t make sense, because the company is a restaurant management company.
We own and manage restaurants. Some of the best in the country. And we can’t book one for the holidays?
“We could,” says the owner. “But they pay more than we do for a banquet room.”
You know, that makes less sense than Christmas in fucking March.
Ink
Tracey was the best tattoo artist in the world. Nobody ever came close to her skill, and she invented all of the greatest innovations of skin art and body modification during her day.
You couldn’t tell from looking at her, though. She didn’t have anything on her skin… not a dot anywhere on her body.
She didn’t trust anyone else with her skin, and she just couldn’t turn her own needle on herself.
Piercings, though… if you could hang a stud or ring through it, she had it done.
Flying can be a problem. Trains, buses… she’s in no rush.
Concert
Today is Flu Shot Day at work. Free flu shots for everyone, paid for by the company’s health plan.
I always get sick with the flu for a day after getting the shot.
That’s better than getting sick for a week or two with the flu, I guess.
But does it have to be today? There’s a big concert tomorrow, and I’ve really been looking forward to it for months.
I don’t want to get sick tomorrow, damn it.
So, I’ll skip the shot. I’ll get one after the concert.
I just hope that nobody coughs or sneezes on me.
Bike
My wife got me a bike for my birthday.
Three weeks later, I fell off of it, and broke my elbow.
The other day, I saw that my coworker had left his old bike out in the rain.
“I have a bike that I’m not using,” I said. “Barely used. Need it?”
“Sure,” he said.
So, we loaded the bike into my wife’s truck and drove it in to work.
“Here you go,” I told my coworker.
“Thank you,” he said, and we haven’t seen him since.
I hope that the bike didn’t kill him.
But better him than me.
Skillset
I get a lot of endorsements and requests to connect on LinkedIn.
Most of them are for my writing skills, but some are for technical skills I don’t have. From people I’ve never met before.
Sure, I write about MySQL and Apache a lot, but it’s not like I administer and maintain those services.
Right?
This makes me wonder if I black out at night and become a Tyler Durden-like personality.
That’s when I check my PayPal balance.
Where the hell did that money come from?
And for what?
I click Transfer Balance to Bank Account.
Best not to ask.
Will Work For… Food
The guy’s sign said WILL WORK FOR FOOD.
“Any good at raking leaves?” I asked.
He nodded.
Turns out, he was really good at it. He raked the front and back yards, and bagged everything.
“Well done,” I said. “What do you want to eat?”
He sank his fangs into my neck and drank my blood.
I almost laughed at the cleverness of his sign. After all, he had done work for me, his food.
Somehow, I managed to jam the rake handle through his chest to kill him.
Thank goodness I didn’t ask him to mow the lawn, too.