George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He has so many brushes with death, he could paint a highway from New York to Los Angeles with them.
“We’re not the kind of men who die in our beds,” said the captain.
George took this advice to heart, staying in his bed as much as possible.
“At least I’m safe in my bed,” said George.
The deck went unscrubbed, the sails went untrimmed, and countless other important chores went undone while George cowered under his covers.
The rest of the crew tossed him and his bed overboard.
George is on Angie’s List
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
If you looked for Looting, Pillaging, and Plundering on Angie’s List, George’s ratings were awful.
And his customer reviews were absolutely horrible.
People can be mean on the Internet, but what people said on George’s profile was brutal.
You’d just as soon hire crackheads off of the street to crew your vessel than think about hiring George.
When he did raid a town, the townspeople demanded a different pirate than George.
“No!” growled George, and he proceeded with his looting and plundering.
And more nasty reviews would appear online.
George v Fat Freddy
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because of this, George got the worst bunk on the ship.
Right under Fat Freddy.
You’d think that Fat Freddy’s hammock would come loose and he’d fall on George, right?
Nope.
What Fat Freddy did was fart. A lot.
One night, George went berserk and pulled out a knife and stabbed Fat Freddy through his hammock, over and over.
Fat Freddy tore through his hammock and fell on George, crushing him.
The next night, George was glad Fat Freddy was gone.
Until Bedwetting Bob moved his hammock over George’s.
Weekly Challenge #994 – Mad World
- Lisa
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LISA
Mad World: Tears for Fears
It’s a party; everyone’s my age. I think someone thought it was fancy dress – a nurse chats with someone in the corridor. Maybe I’ve had too much to drink because I’m not too sure where I am, everyone seems familiar but I couldn’t tell you anyone’s name.
I hear the nurse telling someone that wants to leave that it’s a home for people with memory issues & they live here. Heartbreaking really.
I enjoy the music, lots of familiar songs but feel I’m ready to go. The doors locked. The nurse approaches and puts her hand gently on my shoulder.
RICHARD
— Mad —
He had that sign on his desk, you know the one ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps”.
It was that sort of inappropriate attitude that had led to this meeting today, not that it would matter soon.
“Jeff, I’ll come straight to the point. You’re fired.”
His face was a picture, “Fired? But, why?”
I shrugged. “You know, the usual… spending cuts, the economy, rationalisation. And, oh yes, you’re crap at the job!”
“But what’ll I do?”
I grabbed the sign, handing it to him. “You’ll fit in – it’s a mad world out there!”
LIZZIE
The pictures on his wall looked old. Was he ever in Paris, she asked. He shrugged. The stamp, what was it, she asked. He shrugged. And the certificate, she asked. He shrugged. I’m starting to doubt this is your home. It isn’t, he replied. Her heart started racing. Why did you bring me here? He chuckled. Is it your mother’s home? He lowered his eyes and pointed. The door was closed. Don’t go in there, she thought. You’ll understand, he said. She opened the door. The woman was sitting, her rocking chair moving gently, her mummified fingers clutching a knife.
TOM
The Opening scene
Sometimes a line is drawn and everything on one side is consider old and
quaint. The other is the new new. There was everything before Star Wars
and everything after. It all happened in a weeks’ time. Guys in San
Fransisco were screaming about this new sci-fi movie. So, I got the last
ticket to the midnight show. The excite in the room was through the
roof. Cheers at the opening title. Then a beautiful space ship crosses
the screen … and a battleship fill the screen. People screamed I
screamed. Greatest single moment I ever had in a theater.
Mad World
One turn to the left instead of one right, your whole life would have
been a different life, filled with different people, like the Pope. It
is highly possible I meet the Pope as a kid. I am sure I was in the same
rooms as him. I was accepted to the same seminary he attended. The high
school I did attended was literally across the street from the
Augustinian Major seminary. In school we were on student government, ran
the year book, on the debate team. It’s a mad world when one degree of
separation separates you from the pope.
SERENDIPIDY
Six days now since the world went mad.
All my fault, of course. Who else would it have been?
It was me that sent the offensive messages, and that’s all it took.
Everything else was simply down to human nature; the need to retaliate, the sense of entitlement, the propensity to blow things up out of proportion.
On day two, warning shots were fired. Day three, all-out war. And now, the few who are left are picking up the pieces.
Thanks to a few insulting messages, the world’s gone mad.
But it was a mad world to begin with.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert frowned. “Well. We can’t let John kill you and your mother. It would be a mad world without you. Empty husks and all that. Still, in this world, you can’t poison people and get away with it. We need to go to the police.”
Mandi hesitated, then nodded.
They flew to the police station and landed in the back alley.
When they told the officer their story, he shook his head. “If there was evidence of poisoning, we surely would have found it by now. Go home and rest your imaginations.”
John was waiting for them outside the station.
PLANET Z
I can never remember how many times the word mad appears in the title of the film. Let’s just call it. It’s a mad world. spotting classic and then current comedians in cameos must’ve been fun. Although there is nothing sadder than seeing the mummified remnants of the three stooges show up as fireman. not even the real three stooges. Shemp and curly were long dead, and Joe Derita there gawking like a fish out of water. Or was it Joe Besser? Hella fine now. And I don’t feel like watching the movie again. Or looking it up on Wikipedia.
George’s pumpkin
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
For the Pirate Halloween Pumpkin Carving Contest, other pirates made spooky and scary jack-o-lanterns.
George made a cute fluffy kitten.
The ears moved and eyes blinked, and it mewed every few seconds.
“The heat from the candle powers that mechanism,” said George.
The notorious Blackbeard the Pirate was the contest judge, and he walked along the table, inspecting every entry.
When he got to George’s pumpkin, he looked it up and down, and from all around.
Then he picked it up, held it high…
And smashed it to bits.
George the Porgie
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The other pirates called him Georgie Porgie and sung the rhyme at him.
“Got any pudding and pie?” they taunted.
George checked his pockets. “No, but I have some tickets to The Cure concert tonight.”
The pirates cheered and George said he’d meet them at the concert.
But when they got there, George stood them up.
He pulled up the anchor and set sail for another town.
“Assholes,” mumbled George.
As he steered the ship, he took a bite of pie and enjoyed it with a can of pudding.
George and the treasure map
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship was overtaken by other pirates, George pretended to be a stowaway.
“Hi, I’m Jim,” said George, waving a piece of paper. “Have you got a lemon to reveal the secret ink on this treasure map?”
A one-legged pirate on a crutch hobbled over to George and snatched away the map.
“Aye, me hearties!” he shouted. “Fetch me a lemon!”
While the pirates searched for a lemon, George jumped in the lifeboat and escaped.
“It’s just a blank piece of paper,” he chuckled, and he rowed away.
George and the birds
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d sit on the beach, watching the shorebirds dig for grubs, running along the waves as the tide came in.
George skipped stones on the water, two or three skips before they’d plunk and vanish.
The birds were hesitant at first, but eventually, they got used to George skipping stones near them.
Then, George pegged a bird in the head, killing it. And other.
Plucked and roasted over a campfire, they kept him going for three days before the ship rescued him.
He swore he’d never fall overboard again.
George the Alchemist
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d heard about alchemists who spent their lives trying conduct bizarre rituals and experiments in the quest to transform various substances into Gold.
Some had managed to convince kings and queens to grant them funding and offices for their research.
George apprenticed himself to an alchemist, and after a few months, he learned the man’s secret:
Alchemy was a fraud. Just a way to make a living off of arrogant and greedy royalty.
“So be piracy, matey,” said George, drawing his cutlass. “I be taking ye grant money now.”
George gives a presentation
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, even with his lack of skill, he had plenty of experience on the high seas.
So he was always tapped to give a presentation at the annual global pirate conference.
George made a point to take the batteries out of his wireless microphone so nobody in the audience could hear.
He didn’t want to risk waking any of them up.
They’d all partied pretty hard the night before and were sleeping off their hangovers.
“Great presentation,” said the pirates afterwards.
“Thank you,” said George. “Back to the tavern?”