I’m having trouble remembering simple things.
Things I do all the time.
Like if I turned off the stove before going for a walk.
I’ve done it so much, I can’t remember if I just did it, or I’m remembering doing it thousands of times before.
The same goes for locking the door.
Filling water bowls for the cats.
Even shampooing my hair.
I feel the bottle on the shelf. Is it wet?
Duh. My hands are wet.
I smell my hands, and I’m still not sure.
So, I reach for the shampoo.
Well, it says “Lather, Rinse, Repeat” right?
Tag: silly
The Terminal
The dusty old terminal
Finally died
It gave up the ghost
And its circuitboard fried
With a grey puff of smoke
And electrical spark
The green pixels went
And the screen went dark
Decades of data
Burned into to the screen
Are all that is left
On there to be seen
This is the worst time
For the screen to go blank
Because I need to get cash
Out of the bank
I pull out my phone
And tap on the app
To seek out another
Machine on the map
There’s one down the block
(And that is a wrap)
Savage – Eighth Anniversary
NOTE: This podcast is now 8 years old.
I’ve heard stories about jungle tribes that didn’t want their pictures taken because they thought that the camera would steal and capture their soul.
They also thought that there were tiny men inside the radio, cargo planes were gods that dropped gifts from heaven, and that the world was created by a giant fish laying the stars like eggs.
We’d have told them they were full of shit, but it’s kinda rude to be trashing people on their turf.
And they had spears. Lots of spears.
We’ll go back with guns next time.
(The mining company will cover the cost.)
Sighting
For centuries, people have claimed to have seen the Virgin Mary in various caves and grottos, and pilgrims seek guidance and healing in those places.
To this day, you’ll hear about a cheese sandwich or a piece of driftwood. A water stain in the ceiling of some shithole apartment.
So, imagine my surprise that during my colonoscopy, I’m watching the monitor and the doctor goes “HOLY CRAP!” the same time I do.
Yep. The Virgin Mary. Up my ass.
“Oh that’s where that statue went,” I said.
I promise I’ll wash it before I put it back on the dashboard.
Quil
NyQuil is green and makes you drowsy.
DayQuil is orange and doesn’t make you drowsy.
So, what happens if you drink them both?
I don’t know.
So, I went outside to a picnic table, poured out a capful of each of the liquids, and waited patiently.
Slowly, the moon covered the sun, and the sky grew dark.
At the moment of total coverage, where night was day and day was night, I drank.
The taste was horrendous, but passed quickly.
Then, my stomach felt warm.
And the feeling passed.
The moon slowly moved away from the sun…
And it winked.
Rainbow Slide
Is it not every man’s dream to climb the St. Louis Arch and paint it like a rainbow?
Then, with the sun at their back, they strip off their climbing gear to reveal a mighty glittering Thor costume, and, swinging their hammer wildly, they slide down the rainbow bringing greetings and tidings from Asguard.
Ah, yes.
Sadly, it takes money to accomplish such feats, and corporate sponsorship, though lucrative, corrupts all it touches. So, yes tossing Skittles while shouting TASTE THE RAINBOW! is overwhelming, it ruins the purity of the act.
Promote the Avengers movie?
Sure, why not?
MJOLNIR… COME!
The Short End
Ever felt like you’ve ended up holding the short end of the stick?
This baffles me. I’ve always wondered which end of the stick is the short end of the stick.
After gathering thousands of sticks and carefully measuring every end of them, I’ve come to the conclusion that despite the wide variety in sharpness, thickness, branching, and leafiness, sticks don’t actually have short or long ends.
Other researchers working independently have confirmed my conclusions.
Then, we went camping together, gathered up some sticks to make a fire, and roasted marshmallows and wieners with the longer sticks.
Science is fun.
Tower
I love making towers out of soup crackers.
The trick is to mush up some crackers in the soup to make a mortar.
Not too dry, or they won’t stick and the tower won’t stand up.
And not too wet, or it will soak the crackers in the tower and threaten the structural stability.
You’ve got to get the mortar just right, and there’s such a small window in which you can use it before it dries up.
The type of soup’s important, too.
Tomato’s good.
So is French Onion, but I think that using the gooey cheese is cheating.
Musicals
Before I ever read Dickens’ Oliver Twist, I saw a tape of the 1969 musical.
I find musicals stupid. People burst into song over the strangest shit. Everybody dances and spins and laughs and leaps.
Did something get in the water supply? A gas leak making everybody loony?
A little chasing, a little murder, and we find Fagin fumbling his wealth into the muck.
Poor guy. Oh well.
Later on, I read the book.
They hanged him?
Dude. Harsh.
I put the book back on the shelf, sigh, and load up the DVD.
Perhaps musicals aren’t so stupid after all.
Running With
Fernando’s greatest wish was to run with the bulls.
He spent years training, running and leaping over obstacles in the alley behind his family’s restaurant.
Finally, after years of pleading, his parents let him off work to finally do it.
He was gored through the chest in five seconds… but, he survived.
After hours of surgery, the doctors determined that if they removed the horn from his heart, it would kill him, so they cut it off the bull and left it in there.
The family asked “Can we keep the rest of the bull to butcher for the restaurant?”