For the first few years, things were pretty rough for the orbital colony.
We worked out the pumps and hydroponics working, and achieved near-sustainable levels of efficiency.
There were still some issues with trace elements, nutrient loss, and other problems inherent in a closed entropic environment.
So, we started a marketing plan for the elderly. Invited them to spend their golden years in orbit with reduced gravity.
And they came.
Most didn’t survive the boost to orbit. We fed them to the composter.
The crops come in great now.
But just in case, let’s order up another shipload of geezers.
Jackie Fucking Collins
Jackie Collins the writer died recently.
She made a fortune off of writing tell-all novels about her friends and the gossip they spread about their friends.
If any of her friends pissed her off, their shit appeared in her novels.
Especially if they dished shit on her. Including her skank of a sister.
I know that it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead, but in her case, what’s wrong with dishing shit on her now? What a bitch!
Now her shit is appearing in the tell-all gossip rags.
Because nobody had the guts to say it at her funeral.
Whiskers
Jack. He was my grandmother’s second husband. He had a little dog from his first marriage named Whiskers. It was a Schnauzer, or was it a Terrier? The dog was really old and slow, and it wasn’t aware of us or anything.
The first night we were there, the dog let out a huge groan and laid down, and it released a puddle of shit. No, a lake of shit. Jack walked through that lake of shit, got down on his knees, and hugged his dead dog. “Good Whiskers,” he said.
If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
Weekly Challenge #614 – Pick Two January
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
LIZZIE
Look Away, Please
A crowd gathered near the collapsed bridge. The front part of the truck was stuck on one side of the bridge, the back on the other.
“Icy pavement?”
Heads shook.
“Where’s the driver?”
They checked security cams, interviewed witnesses, searched the truck. Nothing.
“So, no one was driving the truck?”
Elsewhere, monitors showed live images from the accident.
A man adjusted the noose around the woman’s neck.
“Let’s get this tighter.”
She didn’t last long.
The man smiled. Improving his obsolete technological skills opened up a whole new world of possibilities. They would never catch him.
RICHARD
#1 – The Tiger on the Corner
The tiger on the corner
I encountered yesterday
Told me to wear a tie
if I wished to pass that way
Ties are not my thing:
An obsolete, old fashioned style,
But a detour would require me
to walk another mile.
I asked if he’d reconsider his demand,
But his stare – cold as winter – underlined his command.
He smiled a webcam smile,
showing all his teeth
And a shiver passed right through me,
and led to my belief
That I’d be tiger food
if I pushed my luck that night.
So instead of turning left,
I turned that corner right!
#2 – Spank Me!
“Please tie me up”, she whispered, “and spank me with a fresh haddock”.
It wasn’t the most bizarre request she’s made of me, but it was up there with the best of them. What really made it something out of the ordinary was the setting.
Most previous escapades had taken place in the privacy of our own home, apart from one memorable experience at the local swingers’ club, but this was a first for both of us.
The middle of McDonald’s on a Wednesday afternoon!
And where the hell was I going to find a fresh haddock in these surroundings?
TOM
Let the Leaf Fall Slowly
Cornered Tiger lifted his hand towards most honorable Obsolete Winter. “Please,” said Tiger. Winter floated to the center of the mat. They locked arms and pressed in fits and starts. The match went back and forth over the hour. Tiger ahead, then Winter ahead both encountered the raging chi of the other’s particular form of deep power. The whole affair was produced on a shoe string budget. No high def cams. Just two webcams that streamed it to a public server in Seoul. In the end the match was a tie, but 50,000,000 viewers rated the match a monumental success.
SERENDIPITY
From the moment you encountered me, your fate was sealed. You knew it as well as I – your death was inevitable, the only question: How you would eventually meet your end.
I thought you deserved special treatment… Not for you the quick, clean end, brought about by piano wire, rope or poison. Neither would you experience the sudden, sharpness of cold steel, or a bullet to the head.
I had something different in store for you – call it poetic justice.
Surrounded by your hunting trophies, shackled and bound… Now the hunter had become the hunted:
Time to release the tiger!
JEFFREY
Fetish
by Jeffrey Fischer
Aviv’s webcam was discretely located in a corner of his bedroom, hidden by stuffed animals. Those who spotted the camera assumed Aviv enjoyed recording his amorous encounters. Aviv was a minor celebrity, known mainly from advertisements. He would have no trouble inviting women to his place.
Susan, a former conquest, who had noticed the webcam too late, hired a burglar to steal the footage. She didn’t want her sighs and moans made public, and thought the opportunity for blackmail too good to pass up. When the thief turned over a thumb drive, Susan was surprised. Aviv did indeed have a fetish. Again and again the camera showed Aviv dressing in a suit and tie, arranging several stuffed animals around a child-sized table, enjoying tea with the animals. All except for the tiger, who didn’t care for tea and sat contemplating a glass of milk while Aviv chattered away.
TURA
The Dudelsack
———
The dudelsack is native to the Jura mountains. It is a protected species nowadays, but in times past it was hunted for its skin. Even then they were rarely encountered, for they are secretive creatures, quick to flee from any disturbance. In winter they hibernate in burrows they dig for the purpose. This was the season when dudelsack hunters would search the hills for their secret dens, and take advantage of their drowsiness to trap the prey without damaging its hide. It was chiefly prized for making Alpine bagpipes, and this is why the German word for bagpipe is Dudelsack.
NORVAL JOE
Barry was a proctologist but not a very good proctologist.
He paid bottom dollar for a failing practice in a low income part of town.
He refused to pay for any newer technology. In fact he would typically use worn out or obsolete tools unless he was cornered and threatened with a law suit.
At one point the ancient proctoscope that came with the practice finally gave up the ghost.
Did Dr. Barry Pokenbottom shell out good money for a new one?
Nope.
Finding materials in a storage room, he tied a webcam to a broomstick and used that instead.
DR. ALEX
Jeremy spent the last week preparing himself for battle – tweaking his blank stare after heading advice from his webcam chat room buddies.
He knew he was ready. Then he heard it: “Let’s play Family Feud!”
First to the podium and ready to face off against an exquisite brunette named Sally, little did Jeremy know that she had also prepared. Her with her leopard print slip under her pencil skirt.
Jeremy, however, was not to be undone, for he had chosen well: his tiger striped bow tie that showed proudly.
With a flick of his wrist. Buzzer! “Answer?”
“Banana split!” Ding!
DUANE
Obsolete and Please
The new GF25 comes out tomorrow. Now nobody likes hearing that their girlfriend is obsolete, but you have to keep up with technology. The “25” is smarter, faster and has a pleasure rating of 89. I can’t even imagine what that’s like.
I’ll probably just take the trade in even though I could get more on Craigslist. I don’t like answering all the questions about scratches and dents and performance problems.
Teaching a new girlfriend is the only drawback. I wish you could download your likes and dislikes from the old one, but the GF25 isn’t compatible with old girlfriends.
PLANET Z
Diana liked to point her webcam out the window and stream the scene in her backyard.
The snow, falling through the old willow tree, blanketing the ground in white.
Every now and then, a bright red cardinal at the bird feeder.
It was beautiful. People from around the world watched her webcam’s feed.
So, when the feed vanished, the discussion boards exploded in worry.
What happened to Diana?
And then, eventually, a final screen capture appeared: a girl in a night shirt, hanging from a rope by her neck from the willow tree.
And a knocked-over chair, half-covered with snow.
Adult in a candy store
It used to be that there were only plain and peanut M&Ms.
Now, they’ve got pretzel, almonds, mint, and all kinds of specialty flavors for the holidays.
And you can get different colors and special messages.
Hershey’s kisses did the same.
They used to be plain chocolate, but they added almonds and swirls and caramel and all kinds of crazy flavors.
There’s so many varieties of KitKat and Snickers and other candy bars, it’s scary.
Which helps me to run past the candy aisle and pick up healthy fruits and vegetables.
(Don’t get me started about the varieties of apples!)
Well trained
My new iPhone arrives tomorrow.
So, why am I updating my old phone’s operating system to OS 9.0.1?
I don’t know. Just like I didn’t know why I updated it to OS 9 a few days ago.
It’s a habit, I suppose. When they tell me that I need an update, I update.
Sure, I have to find a power cord and a decent WiFi connection, and then I have to wait ten minutes or so while it updates, but I still update it.
Apple has me well trained.
Which is why I keep buying iPhones, I suppose.
My Curse
I never got to know my great-grandparents. They all died before I was born.
The last one to go died just a few months before I was born.
I saw a Super Eight movie of her patting my mother’s belly.
She was saying something, but the movie had no sound.
Even if I could read lips, the film quality was poor, and it hadn’t been preserved well.
I asked my mom if she could remember what my great-grandmother had said.
“It was an old Yiddish curse,” she said.
Seeing how my life has turned out, it has probably come true.
I feel fine
When people ask me how I feel, I tell them.
No, I don’t say “I’m fine.” Or “Everything is great.” Or “Could be better.”
Because things are never fine. Or great.
And just because things could be better, they won’t turn out that way.
Instead, I tell them everything in excruciating detail. And I don’t ask them how they’re doing, either. Because most people ask how you’re doing so they can tell you how they’re doing.
Hell, I’ll make shit up. Because it’s easier to forget things when you’ve got worse things to worry about.
And I’m fine with that.
Pods
I grew up with coffee cans in the pantry.
This whole newfangled coffee pod craze makes no sense.
How the hell are you supposed to bury money in the back yard with those?
You can fit a few pennies in those things. Maybe a folded-up dollar or two.
But in order to bury your entire fortune, you’ll need to tear up your whole yard to plant a few thousand of these dinky little things.
Won’t the neighbors notice the mess?
And by the time you buy enough pods to fill up with your money, you won’t have any money left.
The Truth
What do you do with a prisoner who has information?
Torture them? You won’t get the information you want out of them. And it’s against the law.
So, the government asked Dr. Odd to come up with a truth serum.
After weeks of research and experimentation, he had one.
But instead of making people speak the truth, everything they spoke became the truth.
Which was not a good thing in the hands of terrorists who wanted to overthrow the government and kill the infidels.
Doctor Odd took the serum himself.
Everything’s changing.
For the better.
And you know that’s true.