Tag: food

Bacon

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The Law of Bacon is an axiom of our existence.
Creation’s purpose is two-fold: to evolve a form of life to generate a source of bacon and a form of life to consume bacon.
This is the Meaning Of Life. One without the other shatters the fabric of reality.
The wine and wafers are gone, replaced with strips of bacon.
The pews are filled with the faithful, led by the aroma and sound of sizzling in the skillet.
Today, we burn a heretic at the stake, a nonbeliever in our midst, the grease of turkey bacon still on her lips.

Primordial

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The primordial soup is full of amino acids.
Add a little electrical energy in the form of lightning to get the building blocks of life.
Perhaps with the primordial soup you can get a primordial sandwich. Nothing complex… Just some lettuce and tomato.
A sprinkle of dill? Perfect.
How about a primordial salad to go with that? That, my friend, is a good lunch. You won’t need a big primordial dinner after a primordial lunch like that.
Just be sure to leave a good primordial tip for this primordial lunch or the primordial waitress will get medieval on your ass.

Apple Bobbing

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I love Halloween. It’s the best time of the year.
The candy. The costumes. The cool breeze in the air.
Most of all, I love apple bobbing.
Fill a washtub with water, toss in a few apples, put your hands behind your back, and then try to catch an apple with your mouth.
It’s so fun!
Ever tried other fruits?
Bananas are way too easy.
Watermelons are just too big.
No, it’s best to stick to apples.
I know one guy who likes to bob for lobsters, but that’s taking “choose your lobster from the tank” a little too far.

Roadkill

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Usually, we see dead possums and armadillos by the side of the road, but this was the first time I’ve seen a panda.
Turning it over with my shovel, sure enough, it was a panda.
Big bastard. I couldn’t lift it. So, I had to call for help.
The county cut back to one-man crews a few months back to save on costs.
Instead of jabbering in the truck cab, we jabber over the two-way.
Joe pulled up, and looked at it.
“Can you eat panda?” he asked.
“Let’s find out,” I said, and we loaded it into the truck.

The Ducks

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When I was little, we would go to the Volkswagen offices and feed the swans at the pond.
We’d take a lot of white bread to the pond and crumble it up and toss it in the water.
It would float until a swan would swim over to it and gobble it up.
Repeat that for a half an hour, with occasional swans swimming around each other trying to get the bread.
No fights, though. They all worked it out somehow in swan-talk.
My brother and I, though, we fought like hell for the last of the bread to throw.

The Cakes

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Mario keeps seven magnificent wedding cakes in the window.
They are the same seven cakes since he opened the store. Over all those years, they never changed.
Every day, these cakes taunt me. They beg me to eat them.
The donuts or éclairs or brownies or fudge, which Mario also has in vast supply, they don’t call out to me.
I ate them, sure, but yearned for the cakes.
You don’t use the same ingredients for display cakes as you do for ones you eat.
I didn’t know this back then.
We threw that rock through his window for nothing.

Salad Bar

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The two kings were bitter rivals.
One marries a beautiful woman, the other marries one more beautiful.
One gets a fast horse, the other gets one faster.
Castles. Armies. Jesters.
Always one-upping each other.
Then came the salad bars.
This time, neither would back down. For miles, each one stretched across the rolling hills.
One added to their salad bar. Then the other.
Back and forth.
Until they met at the border.
The greatest salad bar of all time.
The two kings gave up their rivalry and became friends.
That’s when a third king’s army invaded and killed them all.

Wine

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A wine tells the story of an entire countryside.
With a touch of the seal, you can feel rough hands of the farmer as he ties down vines.
With a sniff, you can smell the rich soil the grapes grew in.
With a taste, you can see the seasons pass… the sunshine… the rain…
With a glance at the bottle, you can see where the blood from the rebel colonists has soaked the label.
Captain Drog smiled and ordered the entire colony’s production to be loaded on to the ship.
“Then set a course for cheese and crackers!” he shouts.

Just A Taste

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Leslie is always asking for a taste of what I’m eating or drinking.
With one massive bite or gulp, she hands back an empty plate or glass.
“Delicious,” he moans. “Thank you.”
If she asks you for something, give it to her.
Don’t just stick it in her face for her to bite or sip while you’re still holding on to it.
You could lose a finger.. a hand… even an arm if she’s hungry.
Her last boyfriend learned that lesson the hard way.
He had a strawberry in his mouth, offered it with a kiss, and lost his head.

Earthquake

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Something smells good.
Is Alvin in the kitchen?
Is he making hamburgers?
He makes great hamburgers.
What’s that rumbling? Why is everything shaking?
Earthquake?
I ran for a doorway to brace myself.
Alvin didn’t stop making hamburgers in the kitchen.
Once you get Alvin started on something, it’s impossible to make him stop before he’s done.
The rumbling stops and everything stops shaking.
A few glasses have broken, some things have fallen off of shelves and popped off the walls.
Nothing important.
The hamburgers are almost ready.
I should set the table.
With paper plates and cups.
You know. Aftershocks.