The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Jeffrey
• Charlie
• Richard
• Munsi
• Tom
• Aubrey
• Serendipity
• Zackmann
• Lizzie
• Marv
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

JEFFREY

The Diet
by Jeffrey Fischer

My wife observed that I had gained a few pounds – if by “few” one meant around 20 – so I resolved to do something about it. I ate smaller portions, I exercised more, and I filled up on leafy vegetables. Nothing worked.

As I poured myself a stiff drink, my wife made an arch comment about the number of calories in alcohol. “No wonder you’re not losing weight.”

“Honey,” I replied, “a man has his limits. I’m hungry after meals, I keep eating rabbit food, and if this bicycle weren’t stationary I’d have pedaled to Alaska. Of *course* I need to drink more.”

Foreign Travel
by Jeffrey Fischer

Sam stepped up to the currency exchange counter. “Hello, I’m traveling to England so I need some Euros.”

The lady blinked. “If you’re going to the UK, you need pounds sterling, not Euros.”

“The UK? No, just England.”

“England is part of the United Kingdom. And they have their own currency, not the Euro.”

“Having two names is very confusing. They should pick one. And their own currency? Since when?”

“The UK never adopted the Euro. They’ve used the pound for hundreds of years.”

“The pound? But that’s a unit of weight, not money.”

“Over there it’s money.”

“Well, what do they use to weigh things?”

“I believe they’re on the metric system, so they use kilograms, not pounds.”

“This is too confusing. I’ll go to Canada instead. Gimme some Canadian Euros.”

“You mean dollars.”

“No, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that dollars are American.”

“Fine, sir. How many Canadian Euros would you like?”

“Just give me a hundred kilograms’ worth.”

CHARLIE

He would pound a couple of shots and a few beers, then he’d ask for a mixed drink and start making his rounds throughout the bar. Most of the time he would bring in a couple of cans of laughy string from the trunk of his Volvo and use it to “get the party started.” Without any circumspection or discretion at all, he’d cover one end of the dance floor to the other with yards of pink, plastic goo…a lot finding its way into people’s hair and their drinks. Dennis was an insufferable asshole, but he was our church pastor.

2nd

My friend dropped two-hundred pounds. She had gastric band surgery. After putting a thousand-dollar deposit down, she pays $150 month until the fifteen thousand fee is paid off. She was a compulsive eater, just as she is a compulsive talker. Her mouth is always moving, and if she isn’t talking, she’s stuffing herself with chips, cake, cookies and “little” bits of other fat-inducing goodies. After her weight loss, she lightened her hair and let it grow. She still weighs three hundred pounds, but she can walk now without help. Her gallbladder had to be removed and she has chronic indigestion.

3rd

My other mate dropped two-hundred pounds at the dog track each month. He had a severe gambling addiction, including purchase of lots of lottery tickets during the week, and spending a fortune on line with sports betting. His children went without, and his wife took two buses across town to work at a fast food place in Twiddlebury. Other plonkers dropped pounds on bets on the weather and what the sex would be of the next illegitimate child born at the nunnery. No one suffered more than his youngest girl, who had to wear the castoffs of her older brother.

RICHARD

#1 – Lycra

For my new years’ resolution, I decided to get fit – not necessarily going the whole hog and getting a gym body, but just lose a few pounds and tone up.

It’s not a pretty sight though – a sweaty, overweight, middle-aged bloke, red-faced and panting, clad head to toe in skin-tight lycra.

The gear alone has cost me a small fortune, but there’s a method to my madness.

You see, I reckon if you’re going to pound the streets, you have to make the effort to look the part… Even if looking the part makes you look an idiot.

#2 – One Pound

I know a pound of lead weighs no more than a pound of feathers, but trust me, psychologically lead is always going to seem heavier.

How do I know? Twenty years loading cargo, that’s how. I’ll take feathers over lead any day!

If it looks heavy, it will feel heavy – no amount of reasoning will make any difference.

Give me feathers, foam, polystyrene or bubble wrap any time and it won’t feel like work; lead or iron, and you’ve an unhappy man on your hands.

Not that management care – all they’re interested in is their pound of flesh.

#3 – Ogre and ogre again

Boggins could scarcely believe his luck – for once everything was going his way, and without any of that unnecessary mucking about slaying dragons!

Gazing down at the gold, he became aware of a dark shadow suddenly looming over his shoulder. A shadow that was disconcertingly ogre shaped and a rather angry ogre, at that.

“I’m going to pound you so flat, you’ll be a hobbit pancake “, the ogre snarled.

Once again, Boggin’s trusty staff swung into action and, once again, the ogre fell to the floor with a thud.

Taking no chances, Boggins resorted to double granny knots!

#4 – The gospel according to Norman: the parable of the annoying neighbour

It came to pass a man was aroused from his rest by a hammering upon his door.

“Why, neighbour do you pound upon my doorpost at this late hour summoning me from my bed?”

“Sir!”, the neighbour replied, “My young wife has wandered from her chamber and is lost! Will you help search for her?”

“Indeed, I will not – for a husband who loses his wife has no business asking another for assistance.”

The man closed his door, thereupon which the neighbour continued to pound.

Which bothered the man not, since he was far too busy pounding his neighbour’s wife!

CHARLIE

Pound Cake

By Christopher Munroe

Pound cake is delicious cake, made with flour, butter, eggs and sugar in a 1:1:1:1 ratio, baked in either a loaf pan or Bundt mold, then either dusted with powdered sugar, glazed or on rare occasion served with a coat of icing.

Recipes vary by region, but that’s the basics no matter where you go and, ordering a slice of pound cake, that’s approximately what you should expect.

“Pound Cake” is also a kiss off you can say to someone in the heat of anger, but it’s a confusing one that I wouldn’t recommend.

But that’s neither here nor there…

AUBREY

“You’ve got your pound of flesh. Let her go.” He growled.

“Come, come James, did you really think it would be so easy? I have everything I want now. You, the girl and the bomb.” The villainess retorted, as she slithered toward him.

She stopped suddenly and her eyes widened. He waited for her to continue, but instead she slumped to the ground in front of him, revealing the so-called “girl” behind her.

“She talks too much. Gave me a good chance to get out of my restraints.” She held up a large wrench. “And to get this handy thing.”

SERENDIPITY

I like to think I’m contributing something to society – keeping the streets clean and safe, and giving those poor strays a little care and kindness.

Of course, working at the pound isn’t glamorous – it’s a hard, dirty, smelly job; and being voluntary, there’s no wage at the end of the day.

That’s not to say there aren’t perks – those special moments when we can rehome a stray with a loving family.

As for those who don’t find a home… They go into the mincer – I get a good price for the meat from McDonald’s.

I’m lovin’ it!

ZACKMANN

Thump. Thump. So my kid who is sensitive to noise can’t sleep. Neither can I. Thump. Thump. He tells me using the noise reducing headphones doesn’t stop the house from shaking and being on the opposite side of the house from the thumping doesn’t help any. This is the last time I buy a house that isn’t at least ten feet away from the next house. It’s like living in the goddamn Tell-Tale Heart every time the neighbor who shares a wall turns on his bass heavy stereo. I’m hearing the Tell-Tale Heart but I haven’t even killed anyone, yet.

LIZZIE

Andrew only wanted to belong to the group of cool guys.
“According to the book, to be accepted you must eat a pound of salt,” they said.
So, he agreed.
The result wasn’t good.
His family, friends, and doctors asked him why, but he never gave the guys up.
When he was about to die, he recalled having read that in China nobility used to commit suicide by eating salt.
His intention had definitely not been to commit suicide, quite the opposite.
The guys denied everything, even the existence of the book.
Andrew’s last thought was “Ugly people, happy monsters.”

MARV

London Bobby Nigel Bakersfield was patrolling his beat when he spied several boys harassing a woman.

Rushing to the woman, Nigel yelled “What’s going on here?”

With that, the boys scattered away,

“Are you alright madam?” Nigel inquired.

“Not bloody likely, I’d say” She replied, “those buggers just grabbed 2 pounds of Earl Grey tea I just bought for £6.15.”

Nigel handed the woman a crisp £10.00 note, grinned and said,

“I’ll make sure they pay well for it, I’ll be pounding some sense in to those young bloke’s heads”, slapping his baton in the palm of his left hand.

Background music was The Space Runaway by Alexye Nov

NORVAL JOE

Billy needed one more ten pound sack of steer manure and his project would be complete. Mixing the stuff at a one to one ratio with plaster of Paris he created a modeling material that was easy to shape, had a long working time and was light enough when fully dry that it wouldn’t be too hard to move the finished project.

Working the modeling material around a wire frame he finished the head of a life sized model of Donald Trump. He couldn’t wait to display his statue outside the hall where the presidential candidate was scheduled to speak.

PLANET Z

Her place is a mess, in the middle of a shitty neighborhood.

She’s a lousy cook, and the pound cake came out of the freezer.

But, man, could she fuck like lightning.

All guys had to do was get past that first dinner, spend a few minutes in the bathroom quietly throwing up, swish some mouthwash around, and they were in for the ride of their life.

Sadly, for them, and her, none did.

So, she got a few cats, fed them whatever canned stuff was on sale, bought an expensive vibrator from Amazon, and ordered out a lot.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Munsi
• Jeffrey
• Charlie
• Richard
• Tom
• Aubrey
• Serendipity
• Zackmann
• Lizzie
• Michael
• Norval Joe
• Tura
• Planet Z

MUNSI

On Birds

By Christopher Munroe

The early bird, it’s been said, gets the worm.

The burly bird, then, presumably gets the larger, more muscular worm.

The Hurley bird? Dude, he gets the worm.

And the Mr. Furley bird THINKS he’ll get the worm, but finds out at the end of half an hour that it’s all been a misunderstanding.

The Larry, Moe and Curly birds attempt to get the worm, but fail due to a combination of incompetence and shenanigans.

And, obviously, the rural-ley bird absolutely crushes worm-getting.

Thus concludes my presentation. I hope you found it useful, though I suspect that you did not.

JEFFREY

Early Adopter
by Jeffrey Fischer

Jake prided himself on being ahead of the technology curve. Back in 1982, he sported a Casio calculator watch, an ungainly device with microscopic keys that displayed basic calculations on an unreadable screen. “In just a few years,” he’d say, “everyone will have a tiny computer on his wrist, and it will look sleek and stylish.” In 1985, he bought an analog cell phone the size and weight of a brick, explaining to detractors that future phones would be much more portable.

Today? Oh yes, Jake still uses technology. He wears an ungainly smart watch and carries a Samsung Galaxy Note, which, when placed against his face, bears no small resemblance to his DynaTAC phone. Maybe he really was ahead of his time.

Evolution
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Early man lived in primitive conditions that we can only imagine with horror. He hunted for meat. When none was found, he went hungry. He slept rough – in caves or primitive shelters. He died early – often of disease or infection.

“Now, tens of thousands of years later, we don’t have to live like cave man any longer! We can use technology to better our lives. But no, you’re content to keep our household stuck in the days before someone invented the wheel.”

“Harold, I don’t care. You are not spending $5000 on a 75-inch Ultra HD television set. Make do with the 60 inch.”

CHARLIE

The early man on the bus kept to himself. He was an ugly cuss. Unfortunately, he had the physical traits of the original early man…a large jaw, a small, flat nose with big nostrils, and an enormous brow. He was quietly reading the Times Book Section, so I figured his intelligence was normal or above normal. He noticed something on the man sitting next to him; he stared for moment, then quickly snatched something from the hair behind his ear. The man flinched, but didn’t realize what just happened. Early man was grooming his fellow tribe member, and catching bugs.

2nd

Steve was always early for club meetings, church socials, classes and work. He arrived twenty-five to thirty minutes early for all appointments in order to get the best seat, the best pastry on the table at AA meetings, and time to scope out all the exits in case he had to make a run for it. When he drove, he pushed his seat all the way forward on the tracks, and pressed himself tight against the steering wheel. When the inevitable accident happened, as we knew it would, the seat belt, combined with the air bag, ripped off his head.

3rd

The early berm gets the bird. It was not any one person’s fault, but the construction team left the high, dirt, berm in the flight path of the sparrows and blackbirds, and it took its toll. Six thousand birds struck the high berm on their way out of the forest into the feeding areas. The fog was thick and the berm was constructed ahead of schedule. The birds crashed into each other and into the packed earth. The local construction company apologized and donated to the Audubon group, taking full responsibility. In grief, Mary The Bird Lady, took her life.

4th

Earl Lee was a redneck, and the kind of psychopath that people avoided because of his filthy mouth and filthier ways. He was a peeping tom, a wife beater, stalker, and lurker, and spit in customer’s meals at the diner. He was as despicable as he was charming, but the charm was short-lived, and only used to weasel his way into people’s confidence before he fleeced them, borrowed money, or extracted some information about upcoming dog track races. Earl Lee was gang-raped the first night of his three month sentence in the county jail, and screamed like a stuck pig.

RICHARD

Perspective

It’s all a matter of perspective – for years my parents, teachers and mentors criticised my lack of forthrightness and ‘get up and go’.

“Grasp opportunities when they come along”, they’d tell me, throwing in the same old platitudes… “He who hesitates is lost… The early bird gets the worm!”

Not that I paid any attention.

My perspective was different: He who hesitates, lives to fight another day, and the early worm is the one that gets eaten.

So, having seen my friends’ businesses fail from rash speculation and foreclosures, I bought them out on the cheap.

And made a fortune.

TOM

The Best We Can.

“Too early to be gone,” said Jimmy. “She was 22,” said Sally which sent her brother into a pool of tear. Perhaps that wasn’t quiet the best thing to say. She regrouped. “Your cat was so lucky to have you as a friend. You kept her warm. Gave her a soft place to lie. Wet food, not that crummy dry stuff. She was loved and in the end you were there to end her pain.” “Is she in heaven?’ “Pope says so.” “I miss her.” “I know.” Jimmy rolled up a towel and gently tucked it under Rasta’s chin. “Good-by.”

AUBREY

If I’m two minutes early, I’m not really early. That’s not how my brain works. Time is money and time has value. So I won’t waste yours, if you promise not to waste mine.

Get there early.

Not two minutes before, not right on time and definitely not two minutes late.

Otherwise you are wasting my time and yours, because I can’t take you seriously if you don’t take my time seriously. Get to the point or get out, now. There are always stragglers who think that fifteen minutes late is on time. They’re jerks. Screw them.

Get there early.

SERENDIPITY

“You’re early”, he said, briefly casting a glance at me from beneath his cowl before turning his attention back to sharpening the scythe in his hands. “Go back to where you came from – I’ll come calling when it’s your time.”

I squatted down and looked Death straight in the eye-sockets.

“I’ve come about the job.”

Death slowly laid down his scythe and waved a bony finger at me: “There is no job. I work alone. Now leave me in peace!”

“Certainly.” I replied; “Rest in peace!” Taking hold of the scythe and slicing Death’s head clean off.

“My job now!”

ZACKMANN

I like that actor Michael Ealy. you know spelled like “early” without the “r”. I have been looking at some television spots from when he and Keith Urban were promoting my favorite buddy cop show “Almost Human”. I was hoping to hear someone say Michael’s chosen last name to get right pronunciation but I keep on seeing clips where they say how glad they were about their show getting picked up expecting them to suddenly say “Too bad it is good Science Fiction on Fox so we won’t get a second season” like the YouTube comments from their fans say.

LIZZIE

She was late and he was furious.
When he saw her walking towards him, he forgot all his promises.
He wanted to beat her up, make her pay. She always made him do it, always.
As soon as she kissed him, he raised his fist.
“You said you’d come early,” he whispered.
In the blink of an eye, she knocked him down and held him in a chokehold, watching him turn blue.
“Please…” He wiggled his legs. He struggled for air.
The crowd gathered around in silence.
“No more,” she said. “He needs to learn.”
No one called the police.

MICHAEL

It was a nightmare. Who ever convinced him to hire Santa Elfs in their off season should be fired as well. Marcus thought angrily. The call waking him early this morning told him that a large order of Sprinkle Cakes was going to have to be recalled. Costing the company millions. All because one! of the Elves had come into work drunk on leftover eggnog and proceeded to Pee directly into the batch of white Sprinkles! The foreman that should have caught this early was drunk as well. I’ll never let those Elves bring Eggnog to work again.

NORVAL JOE

Henry was no longer an average pigeon. He’d decided to rise above the others and become a red tailed haw.

Isolating himself from the other pigeons of the flock he carefully watched the hawks circling high in the sky. As he pecked at seeds and small bugs he watched the hawks drop from the sky like a rock. The hawk fed on rodents and small birds.

Henry then knew what he had to do to become more like the hawk.

Working in the early hours before the others woke, he picked his first victim.

The flock woke to a murder.

TURA

A Story of the Early Desert Fathers

———

Abba Jerome left his cave to visit his neighbour Abba Genarius, thirty miles away. He confessed ashamedly, “I have written a book.”

“If it concern our Lord,” said Abba Genarius, “that is a praiseworthy thing.”

Abba Jerome sighed. “It began so, but I invented stories of the people around Him. Now His life is hardly mentioned, while the stories breed and multiply of themselves. Surely some demon afflicts me.”

Prophecy came upon Abba Genarius. “In time to come, it will be called ‘airport fiction’,” he said, “but do not ask me what that means, for it makes my head hurt.”

———

Music credit: “Chant from a Holy Book”, by Georges Gurdjieff, played by the Gurdjieff Folk Instruments Ensemble.

PLANET Z

These days, Spring comes early.

Summer comes early, too.
And it stays a really long time.

Fall comes late.

And Winter barely comes at all.

The birds are so confused by it all. So are the crops and the flowers.

We ask the Head Pilot to change the orbital colony’s angle, but they decline our request.

The tourists prefer the summer. More tourists means more money, which everyone shares.

And we can grow food with hydroponics. The farms are so wasteful, aren’t they?

Kids want to be physicists… scientists… pilots… hydroponic farmers.

Nobody wants to be a dirt farmer anymore.