The other reindeer made fun of Rudolph and wouldn’t let him play in their reindeer games.
So, Rudolph hung out with ghetto elves on the South side of the North Pole.
Which, if you know your geography, is all around the North Pole.
They had the North Pole surrounded.
When the other reindeer went into the ghetto to get the drugs that let them fly, Rudolph and the ghetto elves played The Knockout Game with them.
Down went Donner. And Cupid. And Comet. And Vixen.
The gang took their fancy harnesses and shiny silver bells.
Silver bells. Ting a ling.
Tag: crime
It’s A Wonderful Ending
After the party ended and everyone left, Mary put the kids to bed.
George Bailey counted the money again.
It was more than enough to cover the savings and loan.
Perfect.
“I’ll take care of that,” said Uncle Billy, scooping the stacks of money into a basket.
“Fuck no, you goddamned stupid drunk!” shouted George. “You’ve fucked this family for the last time!”
George took Billy’s keys away. “You’re fired!”
Then, he had Bert the cop drive him into town so he could put the money in the safe.
“Merry Christmas, savings and loan,” he mumbled. “Take me home, Bert.”
Cereal Gift
You can buy Lucky Charms marshmallows by the bag from some online store.
So, I gave these to my son as a Christmas gift.
I put a note on the bag “Santa had the elves pick these out of 20 cereal boxes. Then he gave the crappy cereal to an orphanage full of bad children.”
My son then proceeded to act like a dickhead to his little sister.
That’s when the bag of marshmallow bits vanished, and another note appeared:
“Santa gave your address to the kids in the orphanage. And baseball bats.”
He’s hiding in the basement, behaving himself.
Flags
Ted “Avalanche” Jones played dirty. He was the dirtiest player in football.
Dirtier than Louie “The Freight Train” Brown, Robert “Knife To The Face” Williams, and Juan “Murder” Rodriguez.
That dirty.
He collected more flags than a lawn crew at Arlington National Cemetery after Memorial Day, and his fines ended up paying off the national debt.
He was so dirty, he was called for a late hit at his Football Hall Of Fame induction ceremony.
That’s right. He did a horse-collar tackle on his own son and threw him into the press pool.
They don’t make punters like that anymore.
The Gang
When I win the lottery, I’m going to start a gang.
We’ll have the coolest jackets.
And we’ll have pompadours so tall, they’ll block out the sun.
We’ll walk down the middle of the street
And snap our fingers menacingly.
My gang will be awesome.
Don’t tell me that my idea is dumb.
You’re just jealous that you can’t be in my gang.
Get your own gang.
With jackets. And pompadours. And snapping.
And our gangs will fight.
Our gang will out-snap your gang.
In our coolest jackets.
And our pompadours will block out your pompadours.
When I win.
WHEN!
State Fair
I’ve been to the State Fair here in my state a dozen times, but I’ve never been to any other state fair.
So, I went to every state fair in the country.
If you ignore the signs with the state’s name on them, it’s all the same crap:
Carnival rides.
Clowns and midway games.
Music and dancing.
Farmers and the stuff they grow.
Oh, there’s a few exceptions. Alaska is kinda cold, Texas was huge and loud and obnoxious, and in Hawaii they have a volcano sacrifice.
Or is that the penalty for me trying to rob the ticket office?
Red socks
Everybody at the office wears red socks on Thursday.
It’s not policy, and nobody tells anybody to do it.
We just do it.
I have no idea how it started, but every Thursday, everybody at the office wears red socks.
So, when Jake showed up with green socks, everybody was freaked out.
“What are you doing, Jake?”
“Where are your red socks?”
“Those socks are green!”
Jake pointed to the calendar…
It’s not Thursday.
It’s Wednesday.
We dragged him into the bathroom and beat the crap out of him anyway.
Not because of the socks. Because Jake’s been embezzling funds.
The Preacher
The imam wore a suit and an immaculately-sculpted beard, and he spoke perfect English as he answered the interviewer’s questions…
At first, he said that terrorism is not allowed under Islam.
But a minute later, he was saying that the captured men should be allowed Korans and have access to imams so as not to violate their right to practice Islam.
Point after point, he contradicted himself, smiling his “Fuck you, America” smile wider and wider.
“They are not terrorists.”
It was then that a robotic camera rammed into the imam, breaking his jaw.
“Software glitch,” said the camera operator.
The Gems
I found my master, Old Wizard Glitterbeard, on the floor of his library in a pool of blood, a bag of gems in his hand.
Once, he tried to tell me which color gem represented which spell…
Red is for fire.
Green is for power.
White is for the lightning.
Blue is for health.
Right! Blue for health.
I held a blue gem to his forehead and waited.
But the gem didn’t heal the wizard.
He was dead.
Oh great. He’s dead.
Now I’m out of a job.
At least I’ve got severance pay, I thought, and pocketed the gems.
The Angry Rug
I hate it when I get pulled over for total bullshit.
Especially when I’m not driving.
“PULL OVER!” yells the cop. “PULL OVER!”
I stop walking and stare at the cop.
He swerves to box me in. And then he takes his time before he gets out.
“Do you know how fast you were driving?” he asks me.
I’m not driving. I’m walking. On the sidewalk.
The cop pulls out his taser.
So, I fall on the ground and shout “I am a Persian Rug!”
The cop holsters his taser.
Whew.
I hope that the rug union doesn’t get angry.