Stage one cancer is localized.
Stage two is locally advanced.
Stage three has spread throughout that organ.
Stage four has metastasized to other organs and systems.
Stage five spreads to your family and loved ones.
Stage six goes after your neighbors, the mailman, and the guy who reads the gas meter.
Stage seven will steal your car and rob a bank.
Stage eight is when it spreads across the city. It may even run for mayor.
Stage nine rots the country, ten infects the planet, and eleven the entire universe.
For the sake of existence, turn your head and cough.
Tag: medical
The Real
Her father bought her a new nose for her sweet sixteenth.
College money went to a few other “necessary” improvements. She changed her name and picked up a degree from a diploma mill.
That got her an internship with the Senator, and she eventually handled the press for him.
After every day, she’d touch up her roots, check on her nail extensions, fix her makeup, and head to her favorite bar to prowl the scene.
“Why can’t I catch a real man?” she sighed to the bartender.
“Must be using the wrong bait,” he said.
She didn’t leave a tip.
Slowdown
It’s been a while since I last threw up.
Over time, you learn how much you can drink, how much you can eat, and what disagrees with you.
You also learn not to move too quickly. Take it slow and easy. No more two stairs at a time. No more one stair with each step. You’re hauling yourself up the handrail, taking each step as you can.
You miss the days you could do this without running out of breath halfway up. You wish to be young again.
Then you see it. The light.
Over the elevator.
Fuck the stairs.
Foster’s Nurse
“Foster isn’t feeling very well” is one of the phrases that the Nursebot is programmed to use.
“Foster is unavailable at the moment” is another.
The Nursebot uses those a lot when people call to check on Foster.
One phrase that the Nursebot does not have available is “Foster doesn’t want to talk to you, so he bought a Nursebot to make people like you think that he’s sick.”
Or “Foster slipped and broke his neck in the shower this morning.”
Foster’s body is covering the drain in the shower. The water is overflowing.
And the Nursebot just watches… waiting…
Charger
I keep a battery charger and spare phone cord with me now.
I don’t want to run out of power on my phone ever again.
The last time I ran out of power, I was in the Emergency Room all alone with an iPhone that had a broken sleep button.
And a broken elbow.
My friends rescued me when they had the gift shop send a universal charger to my room.
And every kind of candy bar, cookie, and beverage they had in stock.
As much as I like Nutter Butter, the charger and cord are just a bit handier.
Fly? No.
I don’t like to fly.
I used to not mind it at all, but now, I can’t stand it.
I tried hypnotherapy, virtual simulations, and all kinds of drugs and New Age crap.
None of it works. It only seems to make things worse.
So, I stopped flying.
And then I realized that I like where I live. It’s a really nice city, with a seaside resort a short train ride away.
Except that I now don’t like to ride that train.
Or in a bus.
Or car.
I’ll just sit here at home.
It’s quiet. And safe.
(I hope.)
Boston Marathon
The political science professor used to say “one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.”
Now, he just sits in the special care ward, not saying a thing.
He crossed the finish line at the Boston Marathon when the bombs went off. The concussion and head trauma messed up his brain something fierce.
Still, they give him meals and baths, and physical therapy to keep him from withering away completely.
In case he’ll get better. Which he won’t.
The one bright spot in all of this was: It had been his best time ever.
Too bad he’ll never beat it.
Policy
After his second heart attack, the insurance company threatened to drop Fred’s policy if he didn’t get a nurse.
Fred shopped around for new coverage, but nobody would offer him coverage without a nurse.
“Fine!” he said.
He blinked up the menu, grumbled “install nurse” and dragged the confirmation certificate to the policy renewal form.
The nurse chimed warning tones whenever he drank or smoked or ate too much.
Fred responded by hacking the program to disable the tones.
The nurse reported this to the insurance company, and the policy was terminated.
Fred’s resulting third heart attack finished him off.
Fat
There used to be only two certainties in life: death and taxes.
Sadly, despite the best efforts of a lot of people, neither of those have been resolved.
Now there’s a third certainty: Walter is fat.
He’s dieted.
He’s exercised.
He’s taken pills.
He’s even had surgery.
But no matter what he does, Walter is still fat.
Not that he minds being fat. He carries it well. And he’s in perfect health for someone his size.
So what if he has to buy two airplane tickets? Or take the freight elevator?
Walter is fat, and on that you can depend.
Luck be a dragon tonight
Okay, so I have a gambling problem, but some days the dice are good to me.
Once, I was on a roll, and I had a pile of chips so high, I couldn’t see over them.
I held out the dice and asked a lady to blow on them for good luck.
She turned out to be a fire-breathing dragon, and she breathed fire on my hand.
I got third-degree burns from that, and I had to spend all my winnings on surgery and rehabilitation.
The dragon didn’t stick around to see me through all the pain and agony.
Bitch.