Johnny went through the whole bar, kissing everyone who had on a Kiss Me, I’m Irish button.
Some kissed him.
Some pulled away.
And a few screamed and slapped him.
One girl’s boyfriend threatened to punch out Johnny’s lights.
But the boyfriend had on one of those Kiss Me, I’m Irish buttons, so Johnny kissed him, too.
And the boyfriend punched out Johnny’s lights.
The incident got in the paper, then started a debate on dressing provocatively and free speech.
It wasn’t like shouting fire in a movie theater, but they wore those buttons, right.
Promises, promises.
Johnny’s still laughing.
Tag: romance
The Wobbly Wheel
The old homeless lady who’s always pushing a shopping cart around the neighborhood is stuck.
Her shopping cart has a broken wheel.
She can’t push it to the store it to move to another cart. And she can’t leave her stuff.
So, she’s stuck under the freeway, screaming.
I ponder bringing her a new cart to move her junk to.
But I remember when I helped her get the cart she has now.
She screamed and bit and scratched.
And she rammed the cart into my car a few times.
I won it in our divorce settlement, fair and square.
Match
Leslie was obsessed with spreading peanut butter on bread.
Her mother was worried about Leslie’s obsession. She thought Leslie ought to find a nice man to settle down with.
So, she searched for one, and found a man who was obsessed with spreading jelly on bread.
“He’s the perfect match!” Like peanut butter and jelly!
So, they went on a date.
Leslie would spread peanut butter on one side of the bread, and then the man would spread jelly on the other.
They argued, tempers flared, and things turned violent.
But they fought to a draw.
The perfect match indeed.
Nancy’s Face
If you asked her out, Nancy would say “Sure. Let me go put on my face.”
And then she peels off the face she had on, wipes away the glue, and sticks on a fresh face.
She always makes sure she has at least two faces left in the pack.
You never want to run out of faces, and sometimes the last face in the pack ends up squished, like the last slice of a loaf of bread.
Satisfied, she smiles, and tosses the old face into a cage.
The rats chew the face to bits as it screams silently.
Jars
As we sat on the floor of the dorm room and passed a joint around, one chick said “What if we were brains in jars in some science lab imagining all this?”
I laughed and said “Then I imagine I’d like to do this.”
And we kissed.
Later that night, as we held each other in bed, the scientists read the voltage meters attached to our jars and watched the needles twitch.
“Five units of red,” said a researcher.
A technician stuck a syringe into a brain and administered the formula.
I woke up alone, and never saw her again.
Spiterella or Swallowerella?
The prince held the glass slipper in his hands and smiled.
Sure, he could roam the kingdom, letting women try it on, but feet can be so disgusting.
Instead, what if it were something else that would identify the mystery woman?
Something he actually enjoyed.
The next day, he announced that a mystery woman at the ball had given him the best blowjob ever, and he’d marry the woman who could prove she was the one who did it.
Among the thousands was a scullery maid.
Pretty, but really… a prince with a commoner?
“Swallow and leave,” he said, laughing.
Kill Bill
I know a couple who was so into Quentin Tarantino movies that they rented a small Texas church for their wedding and hired the actor who played the preacher in Kill Bill to officiate.
They tried to get Samuel L. Jackson to play organ, but he couldn’t actually play, and he didn’t want to work for scale.
The wedding was interrupted by armed actors playing assassins, and the church was awash in death.
Real blood. Real gore.
Someone got the blanks mixed up with real bullets.
The survivors tried to sue Quentin Tarantino, but the judge threw out the case.
Daisy
Her name was Daisy, but she preferred roses.
Nobody asked her what flowers she liked, so everyone gave her daisies and she’d smile and thank them for the flowers.
When she’d get home, she’d give them to the old woman who lived on the third floor. Or if the old woman wasn’t there, Daisy just tossed them in the dumpster in the alley.
Then one day, a guy finally gave her roses and she was so thrilled, she had a stroke and collapsed.
Now she’s in the hospital completely unresponsive, a vase of daisies on the table by the bed.
Power Off
When my wife went on vacation, she told me to have a good time, take care of the cats, and not break anything.
I’m batting zero for three.
I broke my elbow, haven’t had a very good time in the hospital having my elbow rebuilt, and it’s hard to take care of the cats from a hospital bed.
I haven’t told her any of this because she hasn’t turned on her phone, and I don’t have the number of the place where she staying.
Oh well. it’s a vacation, right? So, have a good time – that’s what really matters.
The Rings
Tiffany wore a necklace with a key dangling from it.
Marie wore a necklace with a padlock.
As long as they couldn’t get married in Texas, they refused to wear the rings they’d bought for a full-blown wedding.
They were together for fifty years, and every day, Tiffany looked at those rings.
“Not yet,” said Marie.
So Tiffany put them away.
When Marie got sick, Tiffany begged her to exchange rings.
“No,” said Marie.
And she died the next day.
Tiffany tried to put the key in the lock.
It didn’t fit.
She put on the other necklace and wept.