Time travel machines are expensive.
So, to pay for the cost of building and maintaining a time machine, I’ve bought an abandoned mine.
In the mine, I found a cache of brandy and wine that had been left to age for a hundred years.
After I auctioned them off, I was able to build the time machine.
Then I bought the brandy and wine to send back in time.
“What about going forward in time?” said an assistant.
“Sure,” I said. And I went ahead a hundred years.
The world was a burnt-out radioactive husk.
(And the wine was spoiled.)
Tag: tragedy
A tale of two guys
It was the best of tricks, it was the worst of tricks.
Sidney Carton could pass for Charles Darnay, and the others thought he was going to trade places with the doomed Frenchman.
Lucie would get her husband back, while Sidney would lose his head.
“Am I really going to do this?” he asked himself, facing the moment of truth.
“Hell no,” was his answer, but he said it in French with his impression of Darnay’s voice.
Then he had himself smuggled out of the prison as Darnay.
Lucie wasn’t fooled one bit. But she grew to love him anyway.
The Itsy Bitsy Disaster
The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout.
Down came the rain, and washed the spider out.
The rain washed out the bridge to the mainland, too.
National Guardsmen quickly evacuated residents with boats.
But the rain kept coming, and they used helicopters to pull people off of their roofs.
When the rain stopped, it took a while for the water level to drop.
A few houses had caught fire because of gas leaks.
Locals were allowed to return to salvage anything they could.
One guy clutched his chest and dropped dead.
Heart attack? No. It was a poisonous spider bite.
Worse Than Hell
Sally and Bob had hit a rough patch.
Sally told Bob to go to Hell.
Bob told Sally that being with her was worse than Hell.
Which was true.
Sally’s parents were pitchfork-carrying demons. And instead of a lawn, the house was in the middle of a lake of fire.
You could say that the air was filled with the wails of the damned, but it was just a Justin Bieber album that got stuck in the player.
But you don’t tell a chick that being with her is worse than Hell.
She killed him.
And he went somewhere better.
Bob Dows
The man in the white wig and blue glasses was famous.
But not for being an ungrateful monster.
No, the city loved him. For all the wonderful things he did for people.
Except for his cameraman and producer, who he depended on for everything.
When the famous man died, the television station got rid of the producer, but they couldn’t shake the old cameraman.
This was all he truly cared for.
He shot whatever needed shooting. Edited anything needed editing.
They wore him out. He had one knee replaced. Then the other.
But they never brought him to his knees.
Schools Were Closed
Monday, schools were closed because the weatherman said there were icy conditions on the roads, so they couldn’t run the buses.
Tuesday, schools were closed because the weatherman said there was a hurricane warning.
Wednesday, schools were closed because the weatherman said that there were wildfires in the area that were threatening populated areas.
Thursday, schools were closed because the weatherman warned of flash floods.
And on Friday, schools were closed.
No, the weatherman didn’t say anything.
It was because everybody with children had moved away.
What kind of person would raise their kids in a crazy place like this?
Term Limits
Every Thursday afternoon, Congress empties out, and races to Reagan National for flights to their home districts.
Some would say this is to get the hell back home, but it’s really so that they can get back for an early start on weekend campaign fundraising.
I did a little fundraising of my own, too. On Kickstarter.
The project was to create medical nanobots, but there are so many other uses for these little buggers.
Project Term Limits: nanobots in the fuel supply for all these jet planes. To crash them.
When the last plane takes off, I send the signal.
Arm’s Length
Nancy didn’t like other people, so she kept everyone at arm’s length.
When she was a baby, her arms were stubby, so she couldn’t keep people from tickling her toes or getting in her face and babbling baby-talk at her.
As she grew, her arms grew too, and she could keep people a bit further away.
But still not far enough.
So, she had a series of surgeries to lengthen her arms.
Eventually, her arms were freakishly long enough to scare people away.
She enjoyed the peace… until she tried to brush her teeth and stabbed herself in the head.
A little something extra
Every year, Mommy tells me to be good so Santa will come and leave me presents.
“And so I can make that son of a bitch take a paternity test,” she mutters.
Yep. Santa left a little something one year.
In Mommy:
Me.
The process servers say the North Pole is out of their jurisdiction.
So, Mommy left out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.
Santa wears mittens, so you can’t get fingerprints, but you can get trace DNA from the glass.
“It’s a match,” says the analyst.
This year, forget the bike.
I’m getting Child Support.
It’s A Wonderful Ending
After the party ended and everyone left, Mary put the kids to bed.
George Bailey counted the money again.
It was more than enough to cover the savings and loan.
Perfect.
“I’ll take care of that,” said Uncle Billy, scooping the stacks of money into a basket.
“Fuck no, you goddamned stupid drunk!” shouted George. “You’ve fucked this family for the last time!”
George took Billy’s keys away. “You’re fired!”
Then, he had Bert the cop drive him into town so he could put the money in the safe.
“Merry Christmas, savings and loan,” he mumbled. “Take me home, Bert.”