Tag: food

A Love For Spuds

654371

Arthur finished his third bowl of mashed potatoes and let loose a fond sigh.
“I love mashed potatoes,” he said. “I love them oh so much.”
Emily had heard this once too many times that evening. “So why don’t you marry them?”
The ink and gravy stains weren’t dry on the divorce papers before Arthur headed to Vegas to marry his beloved mashed potatoes.
The preacher, just finished marrying a pair of Star Wars-loving store clerks, muttered “She’s quite a… side dish?”
The preacher took his money, performed the ceremony, and let the Health Department and courts fight it out.

This is the dawning of the Age Of Doug

622731

Zeus chewed on his mashed potatoes in the Old Gods Home and groaned.
“Mashed potatoes?” said Zeus. “In the old days, I drank Ambrosia and hurled thunderbolts!”
Zeus reached into his Depends, pulled out some lightning, and weakly hefted it over his shoulder.
He wobbled and stabbed an orderly in the chest, mortally wounding him.
“Doug,” said Zeus, sputtering mashed potatoes. “I’m so sorry. I just wanted…”
Doug wheezed and gasped, slowly dying.
“I’ll place you in the heavens,” wept Zeus. “Forever with the stars.”
The Old Gods Home posted an ad for Doug’s replacement: “Good pay, great retirement benefits.”

Roast Duck

710318

During the winter, the King’s servants and advisors moved into the central rooms to converse fuel.
The oddest couple was the pairing of the court wizard and the head chef.
One night, the alarm was raised: ice demons at the gate!
The wizard grabbed a spell book and raced to the fight.
Without looking, he flipped to the page with Firestorm.
He read off a recipe for Roasted Rosemary Duck instead.
“It’s a cookbook?” he muttered.
The chef handed him another book. “I think this is yours,” he said.
They won the fight, and feasted on Roast Duck to celebrate.

Soda Bomb

620664

I’m an idiot.
I bought a case of Coke Zero the other day. You know, something different than the usual iced tea and water and red wine.
So I put a can in the fridge and one in the freezer.
Which did I drink? The one in the fridge.
Later, I needed some more ice, so I opened the freezer and…
Coke Zero everywhere.
I work at a place that has this sign on the break room fridge: “Do not put soda cans in the freezer or they will explode.”
I think I need one of those signs at home.

Chicken’s Soup

571139

Wally’s pet chicken was sick. Wally hated to see his chicken sick, so he took him to the vet.
“Is my chicken gonna be okay?” asked Wally.
The vet said that the chicken would be fine. The little clucker just needed rest, that’s all.
Wally thought back and remembered what his grandmother used to say:
“Bed rest,” she’d say. “And chicken soup.”
Wally thought for a moment. If a person is sick and needs chicken soup, would a sick chicken need person soup?
He put his foot on the cutting board, reached for a knife.
What’s a toe between friends?

My Cheese

612804

Who moved my cheese?
You don’t know?
I’ll tell you who moved my cheese… it was you. You moved my cheese.
Don’t lie to me. Stop lying to me!
Oh, sure, you moved my cheese. But… I don’t know why.
Why did you move my cheese? Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone.
The cheese wasn’t hurting anyone there. It wasn’t bothering anyone. It was fine.
But you moved it. You moved my cheese… somewhere.
Tell me. Where did you move my cheese?
Tell me where you moved my cheese, and I’ll tell you where I threw your elephant.

Green Monster

693836

The Yankees versus the Red Sox. What a classic matchup.
The big green monster was messing with left fielders tonight, too.
What? No… no, they were playing in Yankee stadium, not Fenway.
Oh, I’m talking about an actual big green monster. It was from outer space or some science lab.
Thing showed up, dropped over the fence, and started messing with the left fielder.
Cops tried to shoo it towards the dugout, but it messed with the cops, too.
Nobody messes with New York cops. They shot the crap out of it.
I think it’s in the hot dogs.
Mustard?

Piggy Wings

575814

Smith smiled and put his research paper on the pile.
“So, you grew a flying pig,” said Zambosio. “Good work, Smith.”
Smith opened the paper and pointed to a chart. “Actually, it’s just growing wings on pigs.”
“So they can’t fly?” asked Zambosio.
“No,” said Smith.
“Still,” said Zambosio, “growing a pair of wings on a pig still takes a lot of effort.”
“Actually, it’s just one wing per pig,” said Smith.
Zambosio took off his glasses. “What good is just one wing on a pig?”
“They’re quite delicious,” said Smith.
“At least pigs are tamer than buffalo,” said Zambosio.

Breakfast for breakfast

436791

Ethan loved strawberry pancakes.
But he never got up in time to make breakfast during the week. He’d just chug a glass of juice before running out the door.
But on the weekends, he’d take the time to mix the batter, toss in sliced strawberries, and make himself the pancakes he so dearly loved.
One day, he poured out the batter into the pan and didn’t see any strawberries in it.
He shrugged and tossed in more strawberry.
They sank into the batter, never to be seen again.
That’s when Ethan decided he liked shredded wheat cereal better.
Without strawberries.

Sad Sack of a Sacker

719732

Ronnie held the dented can in his hand. Just a few seconds earlier, it had rolled out of its sack, fell through a hole in his cart, and rolled under his foot.
Ronnie counted to ten and took a deep breath.
“Excuse me,” he said to the sacker. “This fell out.”
“So?” said the sacker.
“Can you get me another one?” asked Ronnie.
The sacker sighed deeply, turned around, and shuffled off to the Canned Vegetables aisle.
Three minutes later, he returned with a fresh can.
“Now shove it up your ass,” said Ronnie, pushing the cart out the door.