Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There are a lot of grocery stores within walking distance from where I live.
It’s good exercise.
I walked to Kroger to get chicken and lemons.
Then I walked to Central Market to get bread crumbs.
I realized I didn’t have enough butter, so I went to HEB to get that, too.
I made lemon chicken that night. It was delicious.
But the next morning, I didn’t have milk for my coffee.
Dipped the chicken in it for the breading.
So, I used Bailey’s instead.
(Now we’re out of that, too.)
Tag: silly
Cracking
I heard about a scientist who constantly cracked the knuckles on his left hand every day for thirty years to see if there was any more risk of arthritis than on the other hand that he didn’t crack the knuckles on.
Both of his hands felt the same, but his fellow scientists felt like he was going to beat the crap out of them.
“Sure, his research is in arthritis and how cracking his knuckles would affect its progression,” they said. “But does he have to always have a menacing leer on his face as he walks around the lab?”
Rusty Tools
I was looking around the internet when I came across an online university collection.
There were lectures on history, literature, and all sorts of other academic interests.
I tried to watch the Math and Science lectures, but despite having taken them in college long ago, I couldn’t keep up with the formulas and equations.
None of it made sense.
I took my framed diploma down from the wall and folded up the parchment.
Then I mailed it back to my alma mater with a note.
“If they take driver’s licenses away from elderly people, then this should be returned, too.”
Kate
Remember that supermodel Kate Moss? Yeah the really thin chick. Really thin. Scary thin. She could put on a bikini and double her weight. yeah, that’s her. You could see the bones in her hips… her arms, really unattractive, yet, she was a model.
Well, she got bitten by a zombie… kept groaning brains, and all, but when it got right down to it, after all the biting and attacking and stuff, she didn’t really eat any brains. Oh, sure, she’d moan braaaaaaains along with the rest of the pack, she ended up just pushing them round on her plate.”
Oodles Of Poodles
I’ve heard the phrase “oodles of Poodles” but nobody’s ever told me how much an oodle is.
I asked a breeder, and they said an oodle is like a bunch.
“How much is in a bunch?” they asked. “It’s a lot, maybe too many to count.”
We tried to work it out, but it was hard, and what’s a single oodle out of oodles?
Plus, the poodles are hard to deal with in such numbers.
Nasty, whiny, snappy dogs.
Truth be told, I don’t even like poodles.
I don’t think I’ll ever be in a mood for oodles of them.
Dog Suit
You know that show where the guy’s dressed in a dog costume?
Leave it to the networks to take a good thing and ruin it.
Everybody’s wearing dog suits now.
And unlike that show where the guy’s wearing the dog costume, the first show with one, it doesn’t work at all for them.
It’s not the writers or the actors or the directors.
It just doesn’t work. You can’t just Cousin Oliver in a guy in an animal costume and make it work.
Except on the evening news.
But Dianne Sawyer is wearing a catsuit.
Ratings have never been higher.
Ozymandias
When I was growing up, I had a lamp with a toy soldier standing next to a cannon and guardhouse.
He had no name.
I wanted to turn the lamp so the soldier watched over me while I slept, but that would turn the cannon to face me, and what if it went off?
Not good.
So, I turned the lamp so the soldier and the cannon faced the door.
I didn’t sleep well at all.
That’s when I tried to turn the soldier on the lamp’s base.
He broke at the shins.
I named him Ozymandias.
And slept well.
Rest Home
It’s been quiet at home ever since we took Grampa to the rest home and his horse Old Paint to the glue factory.
He rode that horse everywhere… to the store… to the mailbox… to the bathroom…
We’re supposed to let him get his bearings for a few days at the retirement community, but the next day we missed him something fierce, so we all got in the truck and headed over.
I opened the door and…
Saw Old Paint standing in his room.
“Where’s Grampa?” I said.
We got back in the truck and raced to the glue factory.
Exoplanet
Scientists made a list of Earth-like exoplanets.
The first set of seeder pods full of colonizing bacteria were ready when the meteorites began to fall into the ocean.
Strange energy signals rose from the depths, and algae started to assemble into vegetable-based manufacturing centers, spewing plant-based exploration tendrils.
We tried to stop them. A few hundred nukes later, we thought the invaders were defeated.
They weren’t. The battle raged on for years before we finally won.
Still, one day, the plants and vegetables might rise again.
And that’s why you need to mow the lawn and eat your lima beans.
No Squid Left Behind
Due to a mixup, Fillmore High School enacted a No Squid Left Behind policy during the Bush Administration, and sure enough, the entire Senior class ended up being a swimming pool full of squid.
Which, was a shame, since the pool was filled with chlorinated fresh water, and it killed all the saltwater squid.
They weren’t bad squid at all. Well-behaved on the whole.
None of the cheerleading squad got knocked up, no fights in the hallways.
Oh, sure, academics suffered greatly. So did athletics.
You’d think they’d win State in swimming, but as I said, the pool was lethal.