After I burned the school down, Principal Green said I’d get a million years of detention.
All he managed to do was expel me.
“But it’s going on your permanent record!” he shouted, shaking his fist.
Getting out of school was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could continue my scientific research uninterrupted by gym and French, and within a year I had a cure for cancer.
Soon after, by extending the telomeres of DNA, a cure for death.
People could live forever.
After I received my Nobel Prize, the cops showed up. “Now about that detention…”
Tag: silly
Skipping Stones
My pocket is full of small stones.
They’re all flat and round, perfect for skipping.
I love to skip stones on the water.
I love to watch the ripples on the water.
Reminds me of growing up by the lake, spending the whole afternoon out there with my dog and a bottle of Coke, the fish weren’t biting, so I’d put down the fishing rod and skip stones.
The angles.
The rotation.
The spin.
A great way to pass the time, right?
Okay, so maybe not in the fountain in the mall. Sorry.
(Can I have my fishing pole back?)
Fix
Long ago, back before computers, I was a typewriter repairman.
People got all kinds of things stuck in their typewriters.
Once, I remember a guy dropping his old Underwood on the counter and saying “My colon is stuck.”
“You should eat some prunes,” I responded, and I got out my tools.
It took me just 20 minutes to fix it.
The next day, he comes in, and the typewriter is soaking wet.
“I tried the prunes,” he said. “I’m allergic and threw up.”
Into the typewriter. Which he ran through the dishwasher.
That took longer than 20 minutes to fix.
Water Fight
There’s nothing that says summertime fun quite like water balloon fights.
We’d fill up balloons with water, train them to fight, and then take them down to the barrio where the best fighting pits were.
The hardest part about water balloon fights is strapping on the razor blade spurs without popping the balloons. With all the people shouting and passing money back and forth, it’s difficult to keep your elbow from getting jogged and your grip slipping.
Then, there’s the cops.
One trainer shouts “RAID!” and everyone scatters.
Just don’t throw the balloons at them. Especially the ones with spurs.
Occam
Occam The Philosopher had a face that was as smooth as a baby’s butt, and he was quite proud of it.
“I have a very sharp razor,” said Occam. “I also have very expensive shaving cream, a soft lathering brush, a silver mirror, and a rare herbal aftershave.”
“Isn’t that horribly complicated?” I replied. “Wouldn’t it be simpler to use a depilatory cream?”
“Sometimes the simplest solution isn’t the best one,” Occam said.
Many years later, I saw him hawking an all-in-one shaving contraption on television.
“Just one button!” he shouted. “What could be simpler?”
Growing a beard, I thought.
The Boy Who Never Laughed
Dr. Odd was presented with the case of The Boy Who Never Laughed.
The first week was spent reading joke books to him.
No reaction.
After that, he dressed as a clown and performed various silly acts, such as juggling Bunsen burners or constructing molecular formulas and atomic structures out of balloons.
No reaction.
Finally, the doctor tickled The Boy with feathers of various species of bird, common and rare.
“Coochy coo!” he trilled.
No reaction.
Exhausted, Dr. Odd slumped in his chair…. and fell to the floor.
The Boy laughed and laughed.
Dr. Odd punched him in the face.
The Princesses
The legendary Silk Princess concealed the worms, baskets, looms, mulberry leaves and other means of production in her headdress to steal the industry from China.
The Stationwagon Princess, on the other hand, stuck all the components and supply-chain of the auto industry into her headdress in an attempt to smuggle off the mystery of stationwagon production to her people.
The similarities end there.
Unlike the Silk Princess, the Stationwagon Princess has no legends surviving into modern times. Also, unlike the highly-valued silk, nobody wants stationwagons anymore.
So take off those ugly-assed stationwagon panties and get your ass to bed, dear.
The Third Ghost
The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come never said anything to Scrooge.
Just did a lot of pointing and menacing.
Thank God that plan worked.
Why? Well, you remember that Mike Tyson guy?
Yeah, the boxer who bit off that other boxer’s ear and went to jail.
Remember his squeaky boyish voice?
The Ghost has the same problem.
Instead of a scary rasp or thundering growl, he talks in a high squeaky voice like a midget having his balls squeezed.
What? When have I heard a midget with his balls squeezed?
Um, ask The Ghost Of Christmases We’d Rather Forget.
Sand
“Nothing is permanent,” says the priestess.
“We only write our names in sand,” chants the crowd following her to the beach.
Young men gather sticks and write their names in the wet sand.
Then, they lay in small pits and bury each other up to their necks.
The priestess helps with the last man, and they wait for the tide to come in.
The waves get closer… closer… soaking the mens’ faces… some burst up from the sand and flee.
One more to go… and… did he drown?
No! He rises and stands!
Bow down, for he is your chief!
Three Laws
Years ago, when I was working at local TV station, we installed robotic camera pedestals.
Over the course of several months, these cameras rammed into various people, causing them injury.
Then they failed to get out of the way, injuring people walking into them.
They regularly went out of control, and then rammed into people.
And failed to “ped down” passing between studios, hitting door jambs. And then, when someone approached the camera, it would “ped down” and clonk them on the head.
I added a quick set of warning labels: “WARNING: THESE ROBOTIC CAMERAS ARE NOT THREE LAWS COMPLIANT.”