Tag: commentary

Pickles

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Know what the worst thing about getting old?
I hate going bald.
Yeah, I used to have so much hair, but now. all my hair is falling out.
Some guys cover up with hats, and others shave their heads and go totally bald.
Me, I like to cover my head with sliced pickles.
How do I keep them on my head?
Well, the mustard acts like glue.
A few fall off during the day, but I keep a jar with me.
And in a real emergency, I can buy a hamburger and ask for extra pickles.
Lots of extra pickles.

Fifteen Seconds

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Once you hear sirens, you have fifteen seconds to seek shelter.
Will the rocket land in the fields?
Will the rocket land in a school?
Will the rocket land in the streets?
Will the rocket land on you?
The shelter is across the street, you can get there quickly, but a child is standing there on the sidewalk, crying.
Run for the shelter now? Or cover the child with your body and close your eyes?
We watch the images on the television, and so many of us judge.
What would YOU do to protect that child from the deadly rain?

His Number Came Up

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He was not a number, but his number did finally come up.
The old actor died last night.
His greatest performance was over forty years ago. He had full control over the production, and he put everything into it.
I’m watching it now, episode after episode of The Prisoner, and despite so many things changing since then socially and technologically, the themes of paranoia, distrust, and the human spirit of individuality still shine through.
There’s a remake of the series in the works, but I won’t watch it.
There’s no improving on perfection, I say, and I hit Play again.

Belt

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I could not find my leather belt this morning.
It was not where I had left it – wrapped around my neck.
My belt is usually on yesterday’s pants, but I didn’t wear pants yesterday. So I wrapped it around my neck and went to sleep.
When I woke up, it was gone.
I only own one belt. It’s a black belt, so it goes with everything.
Maybe I will go buy another belt? I should buy two, but in all my life, I only own one belt at a time.
Because I only have one neck to wrap it around.

Perfect Potatoes

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The potatoes are perfect?
Good. I’m glad you like them.
You know, I always kept things in the oven just a little too long.
So, I had the temperature turned down just little on the oven.
Things turn out just right now.
I could have just set the timer a little quicker, but I’m such a stickler for time.
Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes. You can measure it with a clock or by counting.
But temperature? Can you really tell the difference between three hundred and fifty degrees and three hundred and forty degrees?
Thought so.
So, want more potatoes?

Stuffed

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It’s just a simple fact of life:
You can stuff a chicken.
You can stuff a bra.
You can stuff a bra in a chicken.
You can stuff a chicken in a bra.
Those awful cookbooks and fashion magazines – I blame them for this madness among our children!
It’s unhealthy! It’s unsanitary! It’s unamerican!
It used to be you’d just see this on the news from savage places like Belugastan or the North Indies.
Now, you see it all over the mall. These damn crazy kids with their tattoos, piercings, and poultry-filled undergarments!
The world has gone to Hell.

Old Men

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Two old fishermen sat on the dock, the bucket sitting between them.
They’ve been there for years, fishing every day.
The first old man catches a fish, and then, he lets it go free.
Then the other old man catches it and lets it go free.
Back and forth, that fish got caught over and over.
He liked the taste of the bait that much.
And the two old fishermen hated the taste of fish.
“Caught that same damn fish again?” said the first old man.
“Yup,” said the other.
They dropped their poles and left the dock for home.

Dr. Santa

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Every year, he puts on a Santa suit, visiting dying children in the hospital.
“There are healthy girls and boys without toys,” he’d sneer, holding up an unopened train set. “Are you planning on being buried with this one?”
He went from bed to bed, filling his sack and leaving a trail of screaming children.
The next morning, while on the way to work, he stopped by church.
“Bless you,” said Father John, gladly accepting the toys and games for the gift drive.
Dr. Walters smiled and got back in his car, off for another day of rounds in Pediatrics.

A Funeral On The Side Of A Cliff

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He spent half his time climbing cliffs and the other half looking for new cliffs to climb.
When his luck ran out, he insisted on being buried in the cliff that killed him.
So, we threw drop-lines over the edge, lowered ourselves to where the rope
snapped on a sharp rock, and dug a niche to stick his ashes in.
The priest was a rockhound from Utah, and he insisted on coming up from the base.
Crazy bastard. We’re all a bunch of crazy bastards, the biggest of all is in this
tin can – see you soon, Johnny, and amen.

Silent Night

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Santa got stuck in my chimney.
He’s yelling for help.
I called the sheriff.
He told me to lay off the egg nog.
That’s how life goes in a small town sometimes.
It’s a nice place, though. Quiet and peaceful.
Until some old fat guy gets stuck in your chimney.
I turned on a flashlight and looked up.
Two black boots. Gigantic red ass.
“What am I getting this year?” I asked.
“A lump of coal if you don’t get me out of here,” he yelled.
Fuck him. Mr. Santa Fatty can wait.
I turned up my headphones.
Silent night.