Weekly Challenge #380 – Spark

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was SPARK.

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of GRACE.

Use the Share buttons at the end of the post to spam your social networks. This obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Hidden kitten

Finally, if there are any errors or corrections, please let me know, and I’ll fix them as soon as possible.


TOM

A Well Defined Relationship Part 9

Timmy made his way across the lobby. The kid behind the counter was just a few years older than he. “What you got?” asked the kid, his LED nameplate flashing SPARKY. Tim laid down a Silvian Wheel. Sparky shook his head,” Sorry, Pilgrim two Cubes.” Organic Replicating Programming Cubes were the wealth that had made Anonymous the Knights of Templar of the Outer Rim. Over Sparky’s shoulder Tim saw his John Wayne Altar bathed in the pulsing glow of a Jacob’s ladder. He started whistling “She wore a yellow ribbon.”

“THE PROFIT,” yelled Sparky

“May the Duke be with you.”

LIZZIE

“Perish the thought!” said his mother alarmed, when he showed her the website. But the thought refused to perish. This particular thought seemed rather appealing to Johnny, the geeky kid. He always wanted to be one of the cool boys. The expectation of partying all the time made him walk boldly to the pub where the cool boys hung out. There was a bit of pushing and shoving, which he thought was quite inconsiderate, but, after that, all he could remember was seeing beautiful sparks flying in the air and not so cool boys screaming. It was an explosive party.

JEFFREY

Sparks Fly
by Jeffrey Fischer

Cliche though it was, sparks *did* fly when Al met Bernice’s eyes and their hands touched. True, the sparks were from the static buildup on the carpet in the dry dance hall, but from that moment on they were inseparable.

When, after more than 60 years of marriage, he died during the coldest December that anyone could recall, Bernice was paralyzed by grief. At the funeral, she finally brought herself to say goodbye the only way she could: by scuffing her feet on the carpet, touching his cold hand, and seeing sparks fly one last time.

Shaken, Not Stirred
by Jeffrey Fischer

The Professor tightened one last bolt before stepping back to admire his handiwork. The spark of genius! he thought. Now to test his masterpiece. He pulled the lever and watched as gears whirred and set various components into motion. Faster and more precise than any human hands, the machine set about its mission. With one final clank, the equipment shut off.

“Mwa-ha-ha,” the Professor cackled. “With this device I shall rule the world!”

He picked up the glass. Sipped. Ah, the perfect martini, down to the olive garnish. Now for the next step: an option to make a Manhattan instead.

RICHARD

#1 – Night Freight

Quickly, George jumped down to examine the nearest container, it was chained shut, which suited him fine.

Grabbing a metal bar from the floor, he began to prise the doors open, desperately trying to make as little noise as possible, knowing it could attract unwelcome attention and spark who knows what trouble?

Finally, he was inside, jamming the doors shut behind him. Exhausted, he settled down to sleep.

He was awoken by the groaning of metal and an enormous shudder, as the shipping container tilted crazily and began to sway from side to side.

What the hell was happening now?

#2 – Chemistry

Doc. Schwartz was always trying to spark our interest in chemistry, but the odds were very much against him – we were more interested in carving our names on the lab desks and setting fire to the gas taps.

It didn’t help that he was completely hopeless at chemistry – almost every experiment was either a total flop, or so utterly pointless that we lost the will to live before it was over.

That was until he tried to demonstrate the explosive properties of hydrogen!

The explosion sent both the school and Doc. Schwartz into orbit… now, that definitely got our attention!

#3 – Wildfire

The fires had raged for over a week now, relentlessly destroying towns and communities in their path and claiming innocent lives – they were the worst experienced for as long as anyone could remember.

The cause, according to official sources, was almost certainly a spark from a careless camper’s barbecue – such devastation from such a tiny source of ignition.

It never ceased to amaze me that people could be such idiots when the conditions were as dry as these.

‘When will they learn?’, I thought to myself, walking away, whilst absent-mindedly tossing my cigarette into a handy patch of undergrowth…

#4 – Twinkle Twinkle

Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how we wondered what you are.

And how we watched your spark of light, growing ever brighter every night;

As astronomers, each day by day, carefully tracked your route across the Milky Way;

Your presence grew until scientists knew, the shocking truth that you brought with you;

For you were no star, but a glowing rock – a meteorite that held a shock;

For your route now known, it was clear to all, that upon the earth you would finally fall;

That tiny spark would bring death to all: the end of life… the final curtain call.

SERENDIPITY

“Hi! Long time, no see!”, I exclaimed, giving the guy a huge hug.

To be honest, I didn’t recognise him at all, and judging by his expression, there was no spark of recognition on his part either.

It had been like that all evening – I hated reunions at the best of times, but this was dreadful – so far I’d not spotted anyone remotely familiar. Still, thirty years is a long time.

It was only when I nipped outside, I spotted the sign above the door: ‘Office Supplies Conference’… ‘Class of ’76 Reunion’ was across the hall and down the corridor!

CLIFF

My grandfather was a spark. That’s the nickname they gave telegraph operators back in the old days. He’d spend his days sending the private messages of others around the country. What no one realized was that the sparks would often add their own postscript to the telegrams they sent. When a well dressed man came into the office and sent a marriage proposal to the daughter of a powerful industrialist, Grandpa sent the message and added an instruction to the spark on the other end. “Advise her to say no stop/ he is cheap bastard stop/ no tip full stop/”
___________________________
When a civilization was found, it was pounded until life was obliterated. Worlds with simple life were poisoned until sterile. The last world that the robotic probe had visited had been covered in single celled creatures. Seemingly harmless but one day, they could evolve into a threat. The world was bathed in radiation until everything was dead. This world was no threat however; a barren sea and empty rocks. The probe removed it from the list of worlds to watch and blasted off, shedding passengers from the previous stop, tiny sparks of life that would someday challenge the stars themselves.

SINGH

1

When Ivan Seow saw a hand-sized bag on the side table he couldn’t resist grabbing it. There was a camera inside. Conscience told him to hand it in, but the tag attached read: Journey beyond your expectations. Use me and upload to freecamera.blogspot.com. Afterwards, relinquish me at any airport. ‘Timesparks’ was written on the flipside. Ivan accessed the site on his phone. Yes, there was a blog and this was the password.

Now his flight was being called. He quickly popped the camera into his bag, intending to use and pass it on, honouring the instructions.

2

Aunty Ming Xia lived in Caulfield. She had fed Ivan so amply he wanted to show his appreciation. “Let me take your photo, Aunty.”

Next morning he got a train to Flinders Station. Killing time, Ivan clicked random shots — a punk girl with rainbow hair, an indigenous man dunking donuts at a stand-up cafe. He snapped Melbourne’s rush-hour trams appreciating their slow historical charm. After his meeting, Ivan got someone to photograph him with his client.

Back at Aunty’s, checking the blog, it said he could only upload five pics. Ivan selected the best.

3

He liked the portraits and the street shots, but wasn’t expecting what uploaded in their place. The city of trams became a Melbourne of futuristic flying shuttles. Uploading Aunty revealed a Chinese lady in Nineteenth Century blue silk robes. The rainbow punk girl morphed into a Marie Antoinette-style aristocrat, her high coiffure ribboned with rosettes and central sun brooch. The indigenous donut man — now an Aboriginal on one leg balanced by a spear was offering the welcome gift of gum leaves.

Ivan studied more closely. No travel shots anywhere – just history and incomprehensible futures.

4

Not all the pictures were pleasant. There were also scenes of poverty, starvation and panoramas of chaos. The photograph of himself and his Melbourne client seemed privileged by comparison. He recognised his own face in the Chinese waiter accidentally upending a cocktails tray over a colonial man puffing on his cigar.

Modern Singapore hadn’t prepared him for these time-bending images. Were they sparks from the past, glimpses into the future — reincarnation evidence through ultimate time-lapse photography?

That night he taxied to Tullamarine Airport and discretely left the camera on a bar top before joining his flight home.

5

Ivan lost the Melbourne contract and some office prestige. Was this connected to the blog? As Regional Manager he travelled more, and luckily, business improved in other sectors.

Meanwhile, he studied world civilisations’, the engineering feats and natural resources needed to create such epic structures. He also read up on projected technological ‘toys of progress’. Flying cars were coming. He imagined them against Singapore’s Astro Boy skyline.

From time to time Ivan checked out the blogsite too. Yes, the camera was still travelling, uploading provocative posts under the common ID – Spark.

With economic balance shifting in Asia’s favour, would greed breed global reprisals?

6

Thus, Ivan’s sleep was disturbed. He saw India dying of famine, China’s robot armies on the move. Checking the blog the next day he was shocked the camera had also gone to the Subcontinent, documenting both past palaces and grandeur alongside future turmoil. He saw eruptions in Indonesia, mass death in Africa, civil disobedience in Europe, US annexation of Canada. Weeks later he dreamed of Dubai with its offshore Palm Islands – 520 kms of artificial archipelago in the Persian Gulf. He checked the blog again. Sure enough, here were post-tsunami pictures showing how the sea had taken back human reclamation projects.

7

Ivan went to Bangkok, Bangalore, Mumbai, Hong Kong, Shanghai and elsewhere. He compared present realities with the blog images’ shifting futures: some cities would thrive; others would take a dive. Headlines of acute global problems made Ivan feel both socially impotent and vicariously responsible. Did the bizarre blog mirror or orchestrate mayhem? Countries’ fortunes were on a roller coaster. The postings reminded him how one era’s wretched coolies become another age’s industry captains.

Next, Ivan was sent to Taiwan for an IT networking conference. Afterwards, he took a bus from Taipei to Yangming National Park.

8

Ivan climbed Grass Mountain and breathed. Returning he found thousands of Papillion butterflies feeding on and fertilising pink azaleas.

Somewhat revived, he headed straight for Taoyuan International.

Having time and needing coffee he found an airport cafe. Sitting, there was something lumpy on the padded booth seat. He retrieved it. Not here! Surely, it couldn’t be — the camera? Or were zip-bags circulating en masse through the world?

Wanting no unlucky Melbourne replay, Ivan stretched, depositing it gingerly on the next table.

Soon, a Caucasian woman sat. She was unzipping it! Ivan didn’t wait to see whether or not she would pop it into her bag.

ZACKMANN

He pulled over in front of the girl pushing her motorcycle wearing a Sparks Nevada shirt.

He said “I saw the sparks from your tire rim. Would you like a ride into town? I think with my back seat down your bike is small enough to fit in my Chevy Spark.”

“Do you promise you’re not crazy?”

“Well, I promise I am not a threat. May I buy you dinner?”

“Are you trying to spark me?”

“Not in the traditional in front of the fireplace way. It’s a Spare the Air Day.”

He was crazy but she felt that spark.

BONCHANCE AND SEVI

John leaned back in his chair closing his eyes pushing away the thought of tomorrow’s presentation.
A successful bid will guarantee a sweet commission and a major bonus. His reward? A first class flight to Alaska, for a month long walking tour.
He looked forward to his sharp metal knife making a spark against ancient stone, and then coaxing the fire to warm him.

His scotch arrived. He noticed the red head smile from a couple of tables away, he returned the beam.
He rose and approached the woman. Time to coax a flame from this intriguing initial spark.

NORVAL JOE

Long John Silver slept with his muzzle on his paws while Missy nursed the five Boarder Collie-Weiner Dog mixed puppies. The Dollie-Cockle puppies were cute with their longish hair and stubby legs, and their sire and dame were quite comfortable with each other as well.
Dergle wondered if he would ever find someone with whom he could be so happy. He looked up and saw Finklestien eyeing him with a Mona Lisa half smile. A spark puffed into flame in his heart. Wanda was only a few years older than himself and a right fine looking woman at that.

JUSTIN

Private Fenton scrambled to gain purchase, but he continued to slide down, rocks scraping against his battle armor. He struck a ledge and he tumbled until he landed on his back.

Cacophony warnings blared as his armor didn’t respond when he tried to move. Sparks popped from joints as servos whined. Then an orc stood over him, slugga aimed at his eye.Then its jaw exploded.

Captain Grigg thudded beside Fenton, bolt pistol smoking. “Trying to be a dreadnought already, Private?” He thumped off, Pistol blasting. A techmarine started repairs, shaking his head. “I just serviced this suit, you know.”

STEVEN THE NUCLEAR MAN

His cry echoed from the shattered wreckage of the car. “Nothing!”

His son shook his shoulders. “Dad, I called 911.”

The man shook off the boy’s embrace. “Those fools! They’ll be too late!” He bent over againaudac, orange cables trailing from gloved hands to the car battery. “Too late, do you hear?”

“Dad. It won’t – ” His son broke off, sobbing.

“It must!” He leaned forward again – he’d lost track how many times – and sparks flew.

But as his wife’s chest refused to move, as her heart refused to beat, Doctor Frankenstein refused to give up.

KIM

The Knife at the Bottom of the Bottle

Spark. Warmth. Heat. Ignition.
The Amaretto down my throat to
The engine, my bruised heart,
my depressant dipped mind.
One, two, three glasses.
Enough for tickets to ride when I
Want a one way for a non-friend.
Four, five, six, glasses.
Fill the tank because I’ll need more courage once its done.
Seven, eight, nine,
and Lady Macbeth would be proud
of the grip I have on the butcher’s knife.
I’m a greased machine without breaks,
but with a Purpose.
Kill.
Lift, stab, breathe.
His blood coats the floor,
and the cherry fumes lift like fog from my lungs.
Exhaust.

REDGODDESS

Movies have given women a false sense of romance and created an obsession with love at first sight. After years of watching princesses kiss slimy frogs, with the power to grant happy endings, we now expect every relationship to ignite with an infinite spark. We tell ourselves, “If it’s the one, I’ll feel it instantly.” Lola sensed that connection months after meeting her lover. With all the grandiose gifts and the spontaneous weekend get aways,she remembers the almost missed intimate gestures. The moment she discovered that “thing” between them was in their shared quietness. Often, she secretly watches him while cooking their favorite meals. She then sneaks back into bed and pretend to be in deep sleep. His gaze reveals more than words and the heat that burns when apart. He still looks at her in wonder and his appetite for her expands with time. In essence, they fuel the spark with constant kindness.

MUNSI

Helping

By Christopher Munroe

The place is a powder keg.

No, seriously, I’ve filled your home with gunpowder.

I’ve also saturated the floors, walls and furniature in kerosene, because why not? If you’re going to do something, go all the way.

Speaking of…

…there we go. Now you’re covered in kerosene too. The slightest spark would turn this whole place into an inferno.

Because the time has come for you to quit smoking. I promised I’d help, and by god I’ve taken my duty seriously.

Gotta run, tho’, I’m meeting people later. You hang out here, not smoking.

Let me know how it goes…

TURA

“Igor, the Spark!” I shouted to my hunchbacked assistant. He grasped the great switch with both hands and wrenched it closed. Blue lightning crackled between the generators and the machine at the centre of the laboratory. Water flashed into superheated steam and hissed through intricate pipework into the extraction chamber, from which slowly oozed a thick, black, almost living fluid.

One by one, the generators shut down, their task completed.

I approached the machine, unscrewed the collection vessel and drained its contents in a single gulp. “Ahaha!” I exclaimed. “The true, the perfect coffee! Now I shall conquer the world!”

PLANET Z

Dad said that Sparky ran away to join the Doggy Circus.

But I know that’s a load of crap.

Sparky’s been sick for a while. The Doggy Circus doesn’t audition sick, old dogs.

I know what really happened when Dad took Sparky to the vet.

Sparky’s in the Dog Army. He’s going to sniff out land mines and bombs so that he can save a soldier’s life by giving up his own.

I’m so proud of Sparky, and I will always remember him.

That is… assuming that he joined our country’s Dog Army and not the enemy.

Bad dog, Sparky!

The Uncharmed Life

The townsfolk spread rumors about Mercy Polk and her use of magic charms, potions, and wands in unusual rituals.
She was arrested and dragged before the town magistrate, and ordered to demonstrate her supposed magic powers.
She dipped her finger into a bowl of water, and turned it into wine.
“What is that in your other hand?” asked the magistrate.
“A stone!” shouted the bailiff. “The rumors are true! She has no powers whatsoever!”
The magistrate found her guilty and sentenced her to exile in Boston.
(And kept the stone for himself, since good wine is so hard to find.)

The Only Truly Innocent

Once a year, I get called up for jury duty, and I always get tossed because the defense and state agree I’m a whack-job who thinks for himself.
The judge calls it “Talk And Walk.”
And, boy, can I talk.
I used to celebrate my freedom by heading to Cabo’s bar and grill for a margarita and a fish taco, but Cabo’s closed down last year.
And sitting six hours on a hard bench really hurt my back.
I limp to the park, put down a pile of treats, and watch the feral cats eat.
The only truly innocent Downtown.

The Ghost Shouter

I don’t watch much television these days, but there’s this show I used to like called “The Ghost Whisperer.”
Some chick with big tits sees ghosts, talks to them, resolves their issues, and convinces them to head off into the light so they can move on.
If the producers were really serious about getting ghosts to move on, they could have gone with Gilbert Gottfried, though.
Anybody who talks to him for more than a minute, ghost or not, would be running for the light regardless of how fucked up their shit was or any leftover business here on earth.

Loathing

Every morning when I wake up, I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see there.
So, to save time and effort, I just signed a contract to outsource all of my self-loathing to India. The entire city of Mumbai now despises me for me.
They send me a daily report through email, with the occasional critical updates via text message to my phone.
This frees me up to focus on loathing everybody and everything else.
I’d outsource my self-righteousness to them, too, but they can’t possibly do as good a job at it as I can!

When I’m dead

I can’t decide.
Do I want to be buried and get a tombstone with “THIS SIDE UP” engraved on the bottom?
Do I want to be cremated with dozens of firecrackers shoved up my ass?
Do I want my lifeless corpse tossed to the carnivorous animals at the zoo?
I came up with a list of all kinds of interesting things I’d want done to my corpse.
Then, I had myself cloned.
Not so I can live on, mind you. What’s the point of that?
It’s so I can have all of these things done to me after I’m dead!

Imaginary Friend

Most kids have imaginary friends.
I had an imaginary theater critic.
He’d go on and on about Broadway flops and the Tony Awards, or the latest Sondheim production.
I’d yell at him to shut the hell up.
We lived in Iowa. We never went to Broadway.
We didn’t go to the movies or watch plays on television, either.
I never tried out for plays in school because I was homeschooled.
I thought about trading with my friends for their imaginary friends, but I didn’t have any.
Because I was homeschooled, and my only friend was Bert, raving about South Pacific.

Steven the Nuclear Man – Pork

“It seemed like a good plan at the time,” Mark whispered.

Julia glared at him. “Shut. Up.” She went back to staring through the cracks in the wood door.

Bleats and squeals mixed with the pounding of hooves.

“I mean,” Mark continued, “I had no idea they were so big.”

Julia pointed her gun at him. “Be. Quiet.”

The sounds on the other side of the door grew louder. The wet smack of teeth in rending flesh. The screams of dying pigs. The zombie’s moans.

“Just” – Mark’s voice quaked – “maybe we should have hid in the brick shed.”

Weekly Challenge #379 – Pork

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was PORK.

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of SPARK.

Use the Share buttons at the end of the post to spam your social networks. This obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Derp x2

Finally, if there are any errors or corrections, please let me know, and I’ll fix them as soon as possible.


TOM

A Well Defined Relationship Part Eight

Mother sat silently, hands in lap. A tall raven haired woman glided towards her. She nodded and took the seat at the opposite end of the table. In short time all but one chair was taken. All present stood when Magdalena Bowsmen made her way to the table.

The dark haired woman went about introducing each of the quests to Mrs. Bowsmen. Each was greeted with a smile of solemnity. When Mother heard her name she felt a hand reach out. “Major Parsons was indeed an excellent man. His council will be missed. Senator Smith please see to Widow Parsons.”

Mother would have rolled her eyes if she could, but years of enduring the gauntlet of social events had taught her no matter the contention at hand always project a zen mask. All the same the mere mention of Senator “Pork Barrel” Smith in close proximity to her late husband has distasteful

“Thank you Mrs. Bowsmen,” said Mother catching a peripheral glance at the honorable gentleman. The Parsons family’s wealth came from cattle and her father made sure his daughter could size up a competing bidder. The look in Senator Smith’s eyes was of a man sizing up a heifer.

JEFFREY

How the Sausage is Made
by Jeffrey Fischer

The process started out innocently enough. Senator Graft wanted a post office named for his political mentor, a six-term Congressman currently serving a 15-year sentence for bribery. “Sure, roll it into the Defense bill,” said the Majority Leader.

Next came Senator Sleaze, who wanted some federal dollars for repairing an old drive-in movie theater back in his home state. A couple of million dollars was nothing to the Farm bill, and if that’s what it took to buy Sleaze’s vote, so be it.

From there the pork kept oinking. A billion here, ten billion there, and soon they were talking about borrowing real money. Yet no one understood why Congress was so unpopular.

The Civilized Way to Resolve Disputes
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Beef brisket!” Tex said, cocking his hat and touching the top of his holster.

“Wrong! Pulled pork,” replied Sam, smoothing his mustache and giving a reassuring pat to his own revolver.

“Spice rub.”

“Sauce.”

“Wood-burning grill.” Tex was turning red with rage.

“Smoker.” Sam looked Tex in the eye, trying to maintain his breathing.

The rest of the customers in the diner looked nervous. Some had even sidled near the exits, having a fair idea of what would come next. The two combatants nodded at one another. “Draw,” said Tex.

Sam placed a plate on the table, a grilled bun heaping with pulled pork and a side of slaw. Tex whipped out a second plate with brisket on toast, with a side of beans. Each sat, tasted the other’s, and decided that the world was big enough for different types of barbecue.

RICHARD

#1 – Twilight

With the threat of night drawing ever closer, George’s positive mood began to fade as quickly as the daylight. He became acutely aware how conspicuous the noisy bulldozer was in the empty streets and he realised the slow-moving and cumbersome vehicle had its drawbacks.

He had visions of zombies overpowering him and feasting on his brain… vaguely he wondered what human flesh tasted like – was it chicken, or pork? He couldn’t remember.

He rounded another corner, where his headlights picked out a yard full of rusting shipping containers – at last, he had a perfect retreat for the night ahead.

#2 – Pork

I looked dubiously at the plate of meat, potatoes and corn and gave the waiter a questioning look – I’d learned to be wary about food during my South American journey, and although this appeared to be rather an upmarket restaurant, this was still Ecuador.

“Are you sure this is pork?”

“¡Si, señor! Eet ees peeg.” – the waiter smiled.

“Pig?”

“Si… peeg.”

I shrugged and reluctantly tucked into my meal. It didn’t taste like pork to me.

Later, leaving the restaurant, I stole a glance through the kitchen doorway: there, neatly skewered over the barbecue, were rows of roasting guinea pig.

#3 – Muppets

It always amazed me that The Muppet Show made it past the censors – if ever there was an abusive relationship and a bad example to set for kids, it was the pairing of Kermit and Miss Piggy. What chance did poor, puny Kermit stand against his domineering, violent, other half?

I shudder to think of the damage that infamous pork chop might inflict if she ever cornered him.

However, it seems Kermit had an ally…

I have it on excellent authority that the Swedish Chef was know to turn a blind eye to Kermit’s occasional misuse of the bacon slicer!

MUNSI

The Nostalgia Files: Television

By Christopher Munroe

It was a monster hit, and no mystery why.

A woman in Boulder, Colorado takes a pig, fresh from the farm, as a roommate, and hilarity ensues as it does it’s best to fit into human society. The clash of cultures was a goldmine of comedic possibility, a well that would never run dry.

Yeah…

By the third season the show had run its course, midway through the fourth it was cancelled, and most agree it should have ended two years sooner.

Still, many fans of classic TV still have a soft spot in their heart for Pork and Mindy.

EXPLORER

I Have Issues With Pork By helen r starr
I have issues with pork. Pork is not kosher; we call it treif (Non-Kosher Food). I recently had to take my mother shopping, and of all the places she needed to visit, it was Walmart.
Walmart is company based on pork, not necessarily the kind you eat, but the kind that pads their pockets. Walmart pads the pocket of other porkers, i.e., the Koch Brothers. What really irks me is how Walmart treats their employees like pigs in a trough. Walmart partnered with the International Labor Organization (ILO) to create Better Work Programs; something’s not Kosher, and I smell pork.

SINGH

(Text not available)

LIZZIE

The swineherd was tired of having to deal with the increasingly frustrating low profits. Intermediaries drove him crazy with inconceivable demands. Before, he sold everything, that’s what was good about pork, no waste. Now, only certain parts were favored. So, he decided to give away “the waste”, roasted and with a “twist”, as a personal gift to the intermediaries, who eagerly took it all. They asked what the “twist” was, but he never gave away the secret to the other tasty bits of meat in the inviting roast, especially when the headlines said “Business man of pork industry vanishes mysteriously”.

TURA

Pork
——–
Rabbi Dougal visited Rabbi Hamish. After they greeted one another, Rabbi Dougal said, “I see ye’re havin’ yer tea, Hamish? But surely that’s not bacon ye’re fryin’?

R. Hamish replied that it was kosher beef, genetically modified to taste like bacon.

R. Dougal asked, “But what if they used pig genes?”

R. Hamish argued, “They’re pig genes alright, but they didnae come from a pig. Completely artificial, same genetic sequence, but made in the laboratory!”

R. Dougal then asked, “Could ye make a whole kosher pig that way?”

At this G*d declared, “NO!”

R. Hamish responded, “Well, that’s one opinion…”

SERENDIPITY

Any devotee of TV crime dramas will tell you that pork is the nearest thing you can get to human flesh.

If you want to see realistic results from your ballistic tests; or need to know what a frenzied knife attack will do to a body, just hang a pig in the lab, and away you go!

Whilst you’re at it, throw in a few sharpened screwdrivers, power drills and blunt instruments – it’s all good, clean fun!

Personally, I find that pork is far too expensive to waste. So, I’ll be sticking to the real thing, for the time being.

CLIFF

Jimmy Ray knew barbeque. He had already spread his brand of pulled pork barbeque sandwich shops over the southern United States when he came up with the idea of a world tour. With a portable kitchen and a hundred year old recipe, he set out. In England, it flopped. In France, it fizzled. In Germany, things picked up. After all, barbeque goes very well with beer. He was an unexpectedly big hit in Bulgaria but then the whole thing came crashing down in Afghanistan. Jimmy Ray may have known barbeque but he didn’t know squat about religion or international politics.

RED

Lola revels in the chaos before work. There is a level of traffic that’s cosmopolitan, and the usual early birds are all in the streets. The toothless man who empties out the burned cigarettes from the public astray, every few seconds, he lets out a disturbing laugh and mumbles “who’s fault is it, anyway?”
An older Black woman, head wrapped in a colorful scarf, sweeping the front of the university theater. She always stares towards the marquee as if thinking, “What if?”
Lola walks by the pan handler sitting on a rusty bus bench, tapping both hands on her starved thighs, humming to herself. Lola smiles and hands her a crumpled dollar bill.
In the distance, Lola can smell the tiny shops, she sometimes stops by the meat market to buy pork for her grandmother to make a spicy stew. She can taste the stew in her mind.
As she approaches the hotel, she notices Tom, a proud grandfather of twins doing his morning stretches before his daughter drops off the kids. There are runners, cyclists, dog walkers, parents waiting for school buses and restless children chasing pigeons. She peers inside her favorite wine cellar with a fat golden cat in the display window. Lola inhales the sweet smell of fresh bread and coffee brewing from the hotel kitchen. On a day like this, she’s exactly where she belongs.

ZACK

“Looky there, I sure would like to pork that.”

‘’Sir, as your advisor I must remind you that you can never know when there might be a mic on.”

“When are you going to start dating me to save me from myself?”
“When pig fly sir, is when I will date a client. Don’t go hog wild during tonight’s event. Avoid any references to getting rid of pork. You don’t want to lose the farm vote. Do not make any allusions of putting Lipstick on a Pig because that type of relationship is still very much frowned upon in Iowa ”

NORVAL JOE

Dergle smiled across the table at Widow Finklestien and wiggled his eye brows, his mouth too full to speak.
“I’m glad you like the meatloaf,” she said, smiling shyly. “Too bad Long John doesn’t feel the same.”
It was true, while the widow’s shelty ate with abandon, Dergle’s corpulent wiener dog didn’t share her enthusiasm.
“He usually loves meatloaf. What did you put in it?”
Widow Finklestien scowled. “It’s my mother’s recipe with ground beef, veal and pork sausage.”
“Oh. That makes sense,” Dergle said. “He has a friend who’s a pig. He wont eat anything with pork in it.”

JUSTIN

What? Where am I? An, island? Nothing to be found here, I’m all alone. Maybe I should build a house. There’s a tree, I’ll punch it for some wood.

OK, got some wood, I’ll make a workbench. Now a wooden axe since that’s faster than punching to chop down more trees.

OK, got a little shed build over workbench. I’m getting hungry. I heard something. A pig! Let me, whoops, broke my last axe. I’ll punch the pig!

Better cook this meat. Punch some trees, make a pickaxe, and get some stone for a furnace.

Time for some pork chops!

JUNE

Sam liked lolling in mud.

Sam did not like waking up.

He also did not like being forced out of his pen for what the man called “exercise” and “fattening up.” They seemed exclusive. If he was to be fattened up, why did he also need to exercise?

This afternoon was different though. There had not been any slop in his trough, and the man had yet to come. Sam was confused, but the mud was helping to calm him.

He didn’t like changes in routine. He’d seen what happened to his mother when she wasn’t let into the field.

DANNY

You bet your ass war is fun, especially when your foe is suddenly vanquished by choking on a piece of pork when said foe was not even eating any food to begin with! The story comes from a contrived notion invented in the bible of all places, Wait, the spice of Lifeless? What the hell happened to the NESS! Dammit! Brilliant! You only have less than forty words until the end of this story.” “Oh go choke on a piece of pork, which he promptly did, except, his death was ruled as an accidental parsley choking. Blah, Blah, Blah, sleep.

PLANET Z

I can tell by the scent
on this wine bottle cork
That the wine you have served me
Contains feces and pork.
I don’t know why you’d offer
such a disgusting selection.
Have i done something to earn
this cruel disaffection?
Who would concoct
such a foul potion as this
That I’d sooner drink
than seek out Death’s kiss.
Did you make it yourself?
Or did you buy it online?
What kind of mad fool
Makes this kind of wine?
But if you insist
I will sip and then pass
Hold on… let me think
Pour me one more glass?

The Power Of Prayer

Long ago, I got onto an elevator at a hospital, and there was a priest in it.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” they said. “I’m the hospital chaplain. Is there someone you know needing prayer?”
The elevator door closed, and he reached for a button.
I stopped him.
“I don’t believe in prayer,” I said. “And I think you’re a fraud. But, you can prove me wrong… pray for God to move this elevator.”
Nothing happened.
And then… the elevator moved.
I dropped to my knees and began howling LORD JESUS, THANK YOU!
The door opened, and the frightened priest ran.