Everybody loses in the Dating Game


Sally sipped her drink and sighed.
Bachelor Number One was a lawyer. An excellent dancer, but a total asshole when drunk. She had the scars to prove it.
Bachelor Number Two was a mechanic. All he did was talk about cars, work on cars, and he often came to bed without washing his greasy, grimy hands.
Bachelor Number Three lived in his parents’ basement. He wore pajamas and insulted liberal journalists on the Internet all day.
Sally reached into her purse, flicked a switch, and felt a reassuring hum.
As usual, she ended up going home with “Bachelor Number Four.”



We put a bag over Scottie’s head, hand him a club, and tell him to start swinging.
The finesse of piñata is in knowing when to yank the rope. At some point, you have to let the kid land a blow or two.
It’s like toying with a cat. You can’t keep teasing the cat forever. Eventually, the cat gets frustrated and gives up.
Also, piñata challenges the senses. Even though Scottie is blindfolded, he can still determine the piñata’s location by the sound of the jingling bell inside.
I knew I should have taken the cat’s collar off first.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 25


Abe went back to his office and slammed the door.
The press had nailed him.
“SECRETARY!” he shouted.
His secretary crawled out from behind his desk and clutched a notebook, trembling.
“Yes, Mister President?” mumbled the secretary. “Problems?”
“What did we discuss yesterday?” growled Lincoln.
The Secretary flipped through his notes. “No man has a good enough memory… to be a successful… liar,” he read.
“Which means…”
“You need me to keep track of your lies?” said the Secretary.
The Secretary nodded. “It will never happen again, sir,” he whimpered. “Ever.”
But one hundred and ten years later…

Achmed’s Alley


I’m standing on the corner, gun in hand.
People quickly peer out of windows, lean out of doorways and parked cars.
Buses crawl by.
I take aim, and shoot them all.
I reload, and a schoolgirl hugging a cat comes out from behind a lamppost.
Drilled her right through the forehead. Ten points.
Suddenly, a man in a turban with a bomb in his hand leans out of the bus.
I plug him, too.
The lights come up.
“What do you think you’re doing, Achmed?” yells the instructor. “A curse upon your mustache!”
I beg forgiveness and reload.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 24


The carpeting swirled, the walls breathed, and the air sparkled with energy.
Abe laughed.
“There is nothing true anywhere,” Abe said to the three-headed cyclops with bat’s wings for arms.
The three-headed cyclops smirked. “Go on,” it said.
“The true is nowhere to be seen,” said the president.
“Maybe,” said the cyclops. “Your perception is most strange. Is there more?”
“Yes,” said Abe. “If you say you see the true, this seeing is not the true one.”
“That’s very deep,” said the cyclops. “But I’d like to remind you that I warned you not to eat those brownies, Mister President.”

The tale of Sir Vapid


Sir Vapid paid for musicians to accompany him on his adventures. He thought he’d be more impressive with some kind of theme music.
So a deal was struck, and off they went.
They climbed mountains, crossed swamps, went on holy pilgrimages, and even negotiated a treaty between some farmers and an ogre.
“Impressive,” said King Richard. “You’ll go far, Vapid.”
But the moment he got into a fight, the other knight ran him through with a sword.
“Perhaps I should have bought some armor instead of minstrels,” were his final words.
They played at his funeral for no additional charge.

Down at the mall


What’s with the chimp heads on the wall?
Well, ever been attacked by a vicious band of chimpanzees?
It sucks.
One minute, I was walking out of The Gap with all-new underwear. The next minute, I was on my back with a pair of black eyes and this weird screeching in my ears.
Damn chimps! Damn dirty chimps!
How the chimpanzees got in the mall, I have no idea. But to tell you the truth, that was none of my concern.
They weren’t leaving with my underwear.
And, by God’s grace, they didn’t. Killed them all.
Care for a cigar?

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 23


“You must eat!” cried Mary Todd. “You’re wasting away!”
Abe kept his mouth shut. He knew the “Make Abe talk and stuff food in his mouth” trick all too well.
So he communicated by notepad:
“But I made it myself,” pled Mary Todd.
“How about a nice juicy steak?” said Mary Todd.
Abe scribbled quickly:
Mary Todd ran from the kitchen, weeping.
Abe grinned, grabbed his whiskey bottle from under the sink, and drank.

The off-season


A boot strikes the beach, then a knee, a large metal helmet with a ridiculous amount of plumage, and finally a Spanish Flag.
“I claim this land in the name of Queen Isabella,” cries the explorer.
Thirty feet down the beach, the same process is repeated for the glory of Portugal. Fifty feet beyond that, God is implored to save the British Queen.
Soon, the beach was filled with flag-waving, angry explorers.
Concealed in the tall grass, the natives laughed.
“Two bushels of maize on Birdman,” said Walks With Limp to Sneaking Weasel.
“In the end,” mumbled Shaman, “we lose.”

One burden to bear


Atlas looked over his shoulder and saw… nothing.
“Where did the sky go?” said Atlas.
“The Universe is over,” said Zeus, appearing in a thunderblast. “The Heavens and all underneath are finished.”
Atlas looked around. He tried to jump for joy, but he could barely move.
“Cramps,” he groaned. “So, what do I do now?”
“Not sure,” said Zeus. “But just remember that you can only carry forward six weeks of vacation time annually.”
Atlas growled.
“And because you were exempt and salaried, just forget about overtime.”
And that, my friends, is how the Second War Of The Titans began.