It was a good plan.
The old woman was always with her dog.
So, we’d steal her dog and demand a lot of money for ransom.
It wasn’t easy, but we did it.
I made the call and made the demand.
She offered a few bucks. “To cover your gas to return it.”
“We’ll kill the dog.”
“Seriously? Come on.”
And she hung up.
Five minutes later, the cops arrived.
Turns out that the dog had a GPS tracker in it.
As I was being put into the squad car, she handed me a twenty.
“For walking him,” she laughed.
Tag: crime
Boston Marathon
The political science professor used to say “one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.”
Now, he just sits in the special care ward, not saying a thing.
He crossed the finish line at the Boston Marathon when the bombs went off. The concussion and head trauma messed up his brain something fierce.
Still, they give him meals and baths, and physical therapy to keep him from withering away completely.
In case he’ll get better. Which he won’t.
The one bright spot in all of this was: It had been his best time ever.
Too bad he’ll never beat it.
Stinkyman
Aquaman never gets any respect.
Sure, he’s in the Justice League, but what can he do?
He can swim. And he can talk to fish.
This doesn’t faze criminals in the slightest. Unless they’re robbing the aquarium. Which never happens.
However, he filled a super-soaker with Vietnamese fermented fish sauce, and things took a turn for the better.
Now, criminals are scared that they’ll get dowsed with the stinky crap.
Okay, compared to getting punched in the face by Batman or thrown into orbit by Superman, it’s nothing, but that stuff’s a bitch to wash out.
Just shoot him, boys.
Enemies List
I never make New Year’s Resolutions.
Instead, I write up a list of my enemies, and swear to remove them from my enemies list by the end of the year.
It takes a lot of effort to track someone down and to set things right with them.
Especially the ones who are truly rotten pricks to the core. Those require a lot of hand-holding and a lot of deep introspection to get them into a position where they’ll acknowledge your presence, let alone forgive your mortal differences.
That’s why I prefer to have them killed. So much easier that way.
Match
Leslie was obsessed with spreading peanut butter on bread.
Her mother was worried about Leslie’s obsession. She thought Leslie ought to find a nice man to settle down with.
So, she searched for one, and found a man who was obsessed with spreading jelly on bread.
“He’s the perfect match!” Like peanut butter and jelly!
So, they went on a date.
Leslie would spread peanut butter on one side of the bread, and then the man would spread jelly on the other.
They argued, tempers flared, and things turned violent.
But they fought to a draw.
The perfect match indeed.
Black Santa
Whenever I go to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what I want for Christmas, I ask for “The Black Santa.”
The mall added him to their Christmas Village a few years back, and he’s got better drugs than the regular Santa.
“What do you want for Christmas?” asks Black Santa.
“Just my two front teeth,” I reply.
He hands me 2 pills, and I hand back a twenty.
I swear, on these pills, I can fly higher than a reindeer.
They found his body on New Year’s.
Must have gotten on his supplier’s naughty list.
You’re such a HO HO HO!
Usually, Santa’s so reliable on Christmas, delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, this year he missed a lot of deliveries, and got a bunch of others mixed up.
It’s totally my fault. I’m sorry.
How so?
Well, I slipped some GHB into the milk I left out with the cookies, and it fucked up his memory.
Look, I only wanted to get a little holiday action with the jolly old elf, but I guess I put too much of the drug in there.
Still, it was worth it, even if I’m on the naughty list forever.
Nobles
They’re called nobles because of their hereditary titles, not because of how they act.
The Duke beats his servants with a mahogany cane.
The Baroness ordered her chef to be boiled alive in his cauldron.
The Earl had all of his gardeners planted in her garden.
And then there was… The King.
Oh, the horrible, cruel and disgusting things he did.
I swear, he could have walked from one end of the kingdom to the other on the backs of all of his victims.
One day, we will be free.
One day, we will own our lives.
Until then… survive.
Thanksrobbing
Over the river, and through the woods to the prison where grandmother’s serving time for armed robbery.
“Social Security and Medicare suck,” said grandmother. “But if you’re in prison, you get everything covered.”
Prison food’s bad, and it’s actually better than the crap Meals On Wheels brought to her run-down apartment every day.
So, instead of clipping coupons and looking at cans of cat food at the end of the month, she robbed a bank.
We brought a pumpkin pie. She pulls out the file, and throws it at me.
“Don’t do that again,” she says. “I like it here.”
Shrink
Richard Matheson’s book “The Shrinking Man” was retitled “The Incredible Shrinking Man” by his publisher.
I suppose it’s possible for someone to think a shrinking man is not incredible unless told so bluntly.
Go ahead and try it yourself. Walk up to people at random and shout either “I’m the shrinking man!” or “I’m the incredible shrinking man!”
See which people are more impressed, stunned, or horrified.
If someone calls the police on you, forget about bail or calling anyone. Just wait until you’ve shrunk enough to fit between the bars.
Feel free to shout that out at the guards.