Professor Troy crawled into the cave and looked around the debris.
Tattered bits and pieces, a few bones.
And a rusty oil lamp.
He looked closely at it.
Arabic letters… he translated… “RUB THIS.”
Lamps? Genies granting wishes?
He chuckled. What would he wish for?
More funding… a time machine to see the past as it was…
What was the last thing he wished for?
Oh. Right. He’d said: “I wish other archaeologists would treat specimens properly.”
So, he made a notation where he found it, snapped a few photos, carefully wrapped it in a plastic bag, and tagged it.
Tag: magic
We Wish You
I don’t know who was more shocked… me or the genie that came out of the rusty hurricane lamp I rubbed.
He started talking about wishes when the doorbell rang.
“It’s Christmas,” I said. “Fucking carolers, I bet.”
We went upstairs, down the hall, and opened the door.
Yup. Fucking carolers!
“We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!”
I started to mumble something.
Genie clapped his hands together.
And then the carolers burst into flames and died.
“So, what’s wish number two?”
I wasted a wish on…
Fucking carolers!
Finger Fairy
From her shelf, the doll watched the girl sleep night after night.
“If the Tooth Fairy leaves quarters under her pillow for teeth, what might I get for fingers or toes?” she pondered.
Climbing down from her shelf, she walked to the sewing table and reached for the scissors.
They slid off the table and fell, slicing off the doll’s head.
The girl blamed her little brother for the attack, and sewed the doll’s head back on.
Grateful, the doll never thought about cutting off the girl’s fingers and toes ever again.
Her little brother, though, that was another matter…
Ice Queen
She was the most beautiful woman in all the land, but The Ice Queen’s heart was no man’s to own.
The Sun Prince, captivated by her beauty, asked Merlin The Wizard for advice.
“Take this potion,” he said. “It will melt the ice from her heart.”
The Prince set out at dawn, and made the queen’s castle in a week.
Slipping the potion into her wine, he watched as the Queen’s face turned to shock, then agony.
Merlin arrived the next day, not expecting two corpses.
“Her heart wasn’t covered with ice,” said the Prince’s suicide note. “It WAS ice.”
Goddess
You’re a mess. You’re a wreck. You’re a walking disaster.
And you think the Goddess can help you get your life straight?
When you invite the Goddess into your life, you invite her into your heart.
But like any guest, you must prepare your heart for her to enter it.
Would you invite over a guest to a mess of a home?
Would you invite over a guest to a wreck of a home?
Take power over your life!
Clean up your wicked ways!
And once you have gotten your life in order, you’ll find the Goddess waiting, already there.
Referrals
I asked the witch doctor, and he sent me to a fortune teller.
I asked the fortune teller, and she suggested I consult a mountaintop guru.
I climbed the mountain and asked the guru, and he handed me a Ouija board.
I checked with the Ouija board, and it told me to refer to the I Ching.
I tossed the bones and looked them up in the I Ching, and they said I should use a Magic 8 Ball.
I shook the Magic 8 Ball and it said “Answer Hazy, Try Again Later.”
That’s how much my employer’s HMO sucks.
Knob
I wake up, get in the shower, and turn the knob.
Nothing.
No water.
Then, I realize I’ve turned the middle knob. The shower-or-bath knob.
Oops.
I turn the one to its left and HOT HOT PAIN HOT!
I stumble out of the shower and look at the note on the sink GET THE TEMPERATURE RIGHT FIRST damn, I forgot.
I reach back in and get the temperature right before stepping back in.
Soap. Shampoo. Shave. Brush.
I stepped out before turning the water off…
And couldn’t breathe.
On my nightstand, another note:
DRINK SLEEPING ELIXIR ANTIDOTE.
Can’t… reach… bottle…
Cheaters
The big Necromancy test is tomorrow, and the Wizard Academy wants to ensure that nobody cheats on it.
All potions must be mixed fresh the day of the exam.
No special talismans or charms allowed.
And any attempt at cribbing spiritual energies from a classmate are strictly prohibited.
This is enough to keep most students on the level, but there’s always a too-clever-for-their-own-evil pupil ready to break the rules to beat the grade curve.
To convince them to play it fair, they tell the students that they will be working with the corpses of cheaters from years past.
PENCILS DOWN!
Yard Sale
I bought a ghost.
At a yard sale.
Although, it was technically an estate sale, considering it was all the ghost’s stuff being sold off.
And I didn’t mean to buy the ghost. I wanted to buy a sweater, some coffee mugs, and a really slick blender.
The ghost apparently came with all that stuff.
I asked for my money back, but they had a big NO REFUNDS sign.
And ALL SALES FINAL, so I couldn’t just give the stuff back.
It’s a nice sweater. And the blender’s nice and loud. Covers the ghost’s moaning and rattling chains.
More coffee?
Good as Gold
Why does Gold cost so much?
Because we want it to, say the economists.
But I know they’re wrong.
Gold’s important for magic. Especially longevity spells.
Has to do with gold’s nonreactiveness and free radicals in the body.
Proximity is the trick. Be near the gold.
If you have enough gold available, you could probably live forever.
However, it’s hard getting a hold of that much.
And the market can turn on you quick.
Me, I went into the soldiering business. Charmed my way into guard duty at Fort Knox, then the Federal Reserve.
I figure I’m set for life.