Block Of Ages

906080

Furtive whispers in the dark.
Thirty pieces of silver change hands. In moments, the purported Messiah is in irons.
He is led in chains through the streets of Jerusalem, where the mobs howl for his death.
“Behead him! Behead him!”
He is led to the hill at Calvary, where stands the grim scaffold. The axe falls.
Two thousand years later, James Avery enjoys a successful business selling miniature Chopping Blocks, and on Good Friday, Christians everywhere commemorate the Decapitation.
In this world of Humane Romans, the Nicene Creed reads:
“He lost his head so that you could lose your sins.”

The Dangerous Salad

506467

I ordered a Chef’s Salad, but the chef didn’t want to part with his salad. He does that sometimes, the crazy bastard.
So I ended up with a Dangerous Salad instead.
Nothing was dangerous about the ingredients themselves, mind you. From the iceberg lettuce to the herb-encrusted wheat bread croutons, you’d assume that it would be benign.
You’d assume wrongly. Because a salad’s ingredients might all be ordinary, it’s the arrangement of those ingredients that can have fatal consequences.
Well, that and the salad dressing. I mean, who ever heard of Arnsenic Vinaigrette?
I specifically ordered fat-free Arnsenic Vinaigrette, dammit.

Dilemma

415972

Andrew Ian Dodge returns with a tricky dilemma…

“…Define a dilemma then Sage ole boy? If you don’t think killing a horde of Deep Ones by blowing up most of a town or not, is one?” Rupert queried over his pint.
The Sage paused briefly. He spoke warmly to his friend and colleague. “What would you do if had a choice between turning back a Great Old One for a few more centuries or having a significant chance of helping to stop 100s of deaths from a suicide bomber?
Rupert, normally rapid in response, sat stunned.
“I had to make that call with minutes to spare. Tough innit?”

Deadly Technology

750604

Technology always was a double-edged sword, and the Orgasmotron was no exception.
That was the popular name for it. The geeks that created it called it the Cerebrostimulator, and it swept the world.
A minor surgical procedure was all it took to implant the socket. The control unit was about the size of a Blackberry. You could stimulate every pleasure center in your brain with a touch of a button.
Hamburger. Pizza. Orgasm.
Aaaahhhhhhh.
76 countries banned it, even before people started dying.
700 consecutive orgasms, no food for weeks. They died like flies, but with smiles on their faces.

Ulysses grants

650288

Ulysses sold Inspiration in a bottle.
Sure, it was ordinary tap water, and the bottles dingy beer bottles with cheap laser-printed labels glued on them crooked-like, but people desperate for Inspiration will pay anything for it.
Ulysses does his best bsiness on Artist’s Row in Midtown. He goes around collecting up empties like an old-fashioned milkman, leaving full bottles on the doorstep.
“I need a lot of Inspiration for tomorrow,” says a painter. “Twice the normal order.”
Ulysses grunts, marks a pad with a nub of a pencil, and pushes his cart down the alley.
Inspiration waits for no one.

A Small Act Of Defiance

433853

I went on a hike today, and I heard about the bombing attack in Tel Aviv just as I was getting on the bus to go to the meeting point.
During the hike, my old hiking boots fell apart. (Well, I’d had them for more than a decade, and they were cheap to begin with.)
So after the hike, I went to buy new boots with my birthday money.
I bought Caterpillar boots.
Two good things about that:
I get to defy the Caterpillar boycott … and I get to walk around in shoes with the word “Cat” on them.

Don’s Night In

1160933

He had been waiting a long time for this evening.
Everything was ready; he’d seen to that. The chilled Champagne, the candles, the flowers, the scented oil. The freshly laundered sheets.
And now she was in his arms.
His chest pounded with desire. He forced himself to breathe.
She nestled her head in his lap, sought him greedily. He moaned, pleasure building within him like a breaking wave.
AFLA-A-A-A-A-CK!
Afterwards, Donald lit a Mallardboro and exhaled slowly, blowing flattened smoke-rings. The night would not be cheap, but so what? His credit was good. She would put it on his bill…

New Rome

886641

Pope Papadapoulos the Portly stood at the window of his basilica, surveying his domain, reflecting on his life’s work. He was pleased.
Singlehandedly, he had effected what had been thought impossible: the healing of the Great Schism. Now, Greek, Roman, and Russian churches all obeyed a single authority, kissed a single ring. His ring.
With the elaborate ceremonies that were to mark the historic relocation of the Holy See from Rome to Buenos Aires about to begin, the Holy Cheerleaders were in position, clutching their pompons.
Papadapoulos strode forth. It was time to deliver the first Bull of the Pampas.

The Easter Egg Hunt

348570

We spent all of yesterday painting eggs. The kids love the bright colors and the sparkles. Their wide-open eyes dazzle in delight.
After they went to bed, I hid the eggs throughout the house. That’s right. When they wake up, we’re going to have ourselves an old-fashioned Easter egg hunt.
But sometimes, they whine about this kind of thing. Kids can be lazy these days, you know. Damn X-Box Generation.
So if they give up, I’ll just tell them that we didn’t paint chicken eggs. We painted rattlesnake and alligator eggs. And if they don’t find them all, they’ll hatch.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 55

545504

General Grant slid the card across the table to his Commander In Chief and winked.

Abe looked at it:

“HOUSE OF PAIN”

“They’re good,” said Grant. “They’ve got S&M clubs here in Washington, New York, Boston, and Atlanta. Made Sherman think twice about burning the city down.”

Abe slid it back to Grant.

“As I would not be a slave,” said Abraham Lincoln. “So I would not be a master.”

“Fine,” Grant said. “Your loss. I’ll take Stanton this weekend.”
Abe left the room, went upstairs, and put on his diaper.

“I want my bottle!” he shouted.

Mary Todd sighed.