The Dali Code

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I know you’ve heard of the DaVinci Code, but have you heard of the Dali Code?
Just as the true nature of Christ is in a vault only reachable by following clues laid out by Leonardo DaVinci’s work, Salvador Dali’s work is a map to the Missing Fifteenth Station of the Cross.
Dali? Devout?
Of course he was. Why else would he paint Crucifixion?
Okay, so here’s the secret: Between having his clothes stripped off and getting nailed to the cross, Jesus was slapped with a fish in a bowler hat.
Okay, so he was a weird kind of devout.

Wax Job

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Ron had trouble holding down a job.
He was fired from the zoo after they caught him spanking the monkey. Even worse, there was evidence that he had also been whipping the lizard.
He lasted less than a week at the Tyson processing plant. Someone discovered him in the process of choking the chicken, a job he was unauthorized to perform. The SPCA was outraged.
All of this changed when Ron interviewed with the Staunton Amalgamated Chess-Piece Manufactory. He was hired, quickly rising through the ranks, eventually becoming CEO.
For nobody could wax a bishop as well as Ron. Nobody.

Elements

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Everything’s okay with Kim, right, Andrew?

The end of a serious relationship does a rather heavy job on your being. It brings to mind that you go through the four basic elements of nature. The first one is fire in the form of your pained rage. Then there is the wind in your screaming emotional outbursts. The water element raises its head in the fact you feel all your plans are now wet and useless. And finally you come back to earth and realise that you can move on; get on with the rest of your life. Remember this wisdom the next time you get dumped.

The Horrible, Terrible, Very Bad Breakfast Cereal

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Harrison lifted the spoon to his mouth and started chewing. His face contorted into a mask of disgust.
“Jeezus! What is this shit?”
“Exactly,” replied Johnston.
“We did some research. Turns out most mammals do a lousy job of extracting nutrients from food. Plenty of stuff just – goes to waste, you’ll pardon the expression. We’re simply running it through a second time.
“Plus, the ingredients are practically free. Think of the variable margin – like printing money!”
Harrison considered this briefly, rolling a kernel of corn around on his tongue.
“Add a sugar frosting and put a bear on the box.”

Set The Alarm

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Susan set her alarm to six-thirty, and she woke up at six-thirty.
Susan set her alarm to six, and she woke up at six.
She then set her alarm to nineteen forty-one.
Sure enough, she woke up in 1941. People were walking around and going about their lives without a clue as to what horrors of war were right around the corner.
She tried all sorts of times in the past. She even tried a few in the future.
Susan set her alarm back to seven, and she woke up at seven.
Her stupid boss fired her for being late.

Mass Confusion

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Father Dominic was beginning to come unglued.
The Offertory had gone just fine. Sanctus, likewise. Lord’s Prayer, no problem.
The Agnus Dei had never sounded sweeter.
It was after Communion that things began to get sketchy. Congregants started milling around aimlessly, bumping into each other in the pews, cracking ankles on the kneelers, eyes glazed. It took three hours to herd them all out the door after “Missa est.”
By now, Dominic felt pretty strange himself. Bizarre lights flashed; weird howls echoed. Was God speaking?
Later, he found out that an altar boy had spiked the Communion wine with LSD.

Lawyerbot

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Lawyers who had defended the most savage and brutal mass-murdering war criminals had refused his case. Not even for tens of billions of dollars.
“Keep your blood money,” they told the multi-billionaire software mogul..
So, faced with using court-appointed chumps, he decided to defend himself.
He took a long weekend to re-engineer his massive search engines to scour every law book, every court record, and every TV court drama script.
The beta hung the jury. And the Gold release won.
As revenge, he distributed the Lawyerbot program for free.
Lawyers sued to stop him. But Lawyerbot beat them, of course.

Salad Bowl

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The card showing today’s special at the company cafeteria read “Geek Salad.”
Fucking typos, I thought. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore.
I stepped up to the counter to place my order. A big bowl of salad would be good. Feta, anchovies, the whole works. Mop everything up with a hunk of pita bread.
That’s when I noticed the whacked-out dude behind the counter, biting the heads off live, squawking chickens and spitting them into a big tub of lettuce and dressing.
Huh, I thought. No typo after all. But at least this guy takes pride in his work.

Cones

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Tomorrow, all across the world, every orange traffic cone will vanish.
Then, three seconds later, they will reappear just as suddenly as they vanished.
Nobody will realize that they’ve been gone.
They’ve trained us not to notice.
Over the decades, the traffic cones have been watching us, manipulating us, learning our weaknesses.
They especially like construction zones. They think we’re at our most interesting there.
When construction begins on something, they show up. Then, when it’s done, they hang around for a little bit before moving on to somewhere else.
They also like watching driving lessons, just for danger’s sake.

Snowe d’Oh!

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Andrew Ian Dodge takes on a tax-and-hide RINO today…

Sen Olympia “elect me cause my first husband died and I am Greek” Snowe wants to tax internet phone calls. She is so wrong on so many levels its almost hard to contemplate. First of all it would be almost impossible to do this, secondly it would probably just deny Mainers a chance to use it, there are probably easy ways round anything they come up with and finally how the hell do you tax something that is free! Of course, this is not surprising behaviour from the notorious “Republican only when she really has to be.” What a nitwit.