Big Dave

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My buddy Dave struggled with his weight for years.
Name a diet; he’d tried it, with dismal results. Weight Watchers. Jenny Craig. Atkins. South Beach. Ultra Slim-Fast.
A few months ago, someone told Dave about Transcendental Meditation. Worked wonders, they said. Your guru would assign a mantra, a specific random word that you would repeat to yourself to focus your meditation. Having the right mantra was critical to help you concentrate, avoid distractions, achieve your goal.
Dave’s goal was to lose 85 pounds.
His mantra was “Hersheybar.”
Last time I saw him, he was at 325 and heading north fast.

Twinned

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It’s easy when the parents agree who gets custody.
It sucks when they don’t.
Until now, thanks to Cybertwinning.
In less than 24 hours, we can give each parent the child.
One is real. The other isn’t.
Can you tell? Only we can.
Synchrocaps exchange memories between the two, maintaining the illusion that both parents raise the child. It’s disorienting at first, but kids adapt.
Adults don’t. That’s why the kids often go insane when they’re no longer Twinned.
Which is why I’m asking that you have your lawyers talk one last time, please.
For the sake of your child.

Prat

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Professors are the same everywhere, it seems…

A professor at Chester University has declared the 7/7 attacks as primarily an extreme form of demonstration”. They were basically expressing their religious rage and not actually just being evil terrorists. He also said that to refer to the attacks as terrorism risked “demonising” those involved. My beloved Kim said: “well, of course, he would say that he lives in bloody Chester!” I do rather hope the offspring of some 7/7 victim finds this prat and knocks him on his idiotic arse. One does have to think that he is just trying to get some press. Lets hope its negative.

Cat Chakras

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All this New Age stuff may seem bogus to you, but all of it’s real for people. And pets.
Chakras? Cats have ’em.
No two cats have chakras located in the same place, though. That’s why one cat will insist that you pet them on the back while other will demand that you scratch their ears and massage all of their paws at once.
If you encounter a cat who is hostile to any attempt to pet them, it is not for a lack of chakras, but that you just haven’t found them yet.
Or the cat may be nuts.

Inkblots

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Every inkblot is a confession.
The first shows a child of nine stealing candy bars from the drugstore.
The second shows an angry teen setting fire to the home of the rival to his affections. Romeo burns. Juliet burns.
The third reveals another theft – test scores for his university admissions exam. A+!
The final one shows his business partner allowed to choke to death after a discussion about insurance.
Wait. There’s one more left, doc?
Hold still. Let’s see… that’s you. And me. Standing over you.
No idea how I kill you, but I’ll try to make it interesting.

Killer Mistake

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“Just type the name and press the Enter key,” the KillKiosk said.
Bart typed in MOLLY MARGARET and hit Enter.
“There,” he said.
“Thank you,” said the KillKiosk. “Margaret Molly will be dead by nine AM tomorrow or your money back.”
Bart looked at the screen and realized the thing wanted the last name first.
“Crap!” he shouted.
He tried tapping on a few keys, but all he got was NO EXCHANGES OR REFUNDS.
“Screw it,” said Bart and he typed in MARGARET MOLLY.
He’s just refuse the charges and let Killkiosk fight it out with the credit card company.

Stroking my vanity

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Andrew Ian Dodge sucks to me and my COTV heroics today…

As some of you might have heard the Carnival of the Vanities has a bit of a row going on. As with last time someone acted the prat and decided not to post all entries our lad Laurence did an Avignon edition. Avignon is where the alternate Pope was based when the Catholic Church was having one of its many rows. I don’t quite understand why people take it upon themselves to act a teet and go against the entire ethos of the CoTV. Its people who lack the understanding of the word Vanity. Let’s hope it ain’t its deathnell.

Crown Of Foam

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Earl screamed in agony.
The slightest jostle could set his scalp on fire and fill his ears with boiling waves.
“Sit still,” said the scanner operator.
“I try,” said Earl. “God knows I try.”
The doctors found nothing, prescribing him so many pills until he realized that they had no idea what was wrong with him.
After two months, Earl firmly believed that his mind was a fish in glass bowl full of boiling water, swimming around while suffering.
So he declared himself Prince of the Glass Palace, built a crown of foam rubber, and stayed on his padded throne.

NASCAR

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Andrew Ian Dodge may be in Jolly Old England, but he still looks back to the Sport Of The King Of Beers every now and then…

Murray and I have come up with t-shirts for NASCAR loving mates. The T-shirts are inspired by a piece of idiocy as found by LGF. It seems that NBC wanted to prove that NASCAR fans are a bunch of racist knuckle dragging redneck morons. They seemed to be keen to do whatever is necessary to make their case ala those types at CBS. I am guessing whomever came up with this scheme never heard of New Hampshire Motorspeedway. This was in part done in memory of my fave NASCAR fan Mommabear. She would have been a bit peeved for sure.

Virgin

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Andrew Ian Dodge learns the agony of defeat…

The L’Affaire England, Please Lose It has ended unsatisfactorily for Growing Old Disgracefully. You see Virgin Radio had a bit of contest to pick an A & B-side of a world Cup charity single. A side was meant to be a pro-England footie and B anti-World Cup/footie. Well it seems what they didn’t tell us was that the b-side was suppose to be shite. We didn’t realise this; GoD submitted an anti-footie love song. Instead of telling us it was not appropriate; the bastards have “lost” the track which I hand-delivered to their London offices. What a bunch of wankers.