After The Flub

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The Ark settled down on its resting place atop Mount Ararat as the floodwaters receded.
Noah threw open the doors. It had been an arduous journey, but he felt cleansed – cleansed down to his very soul. He smiled. Time to plant a vineyard and build a new world!
Three years later, a grumpy Noah sat around the fire after his thousandth postdeluvian meal of wine and fish.
“I sure miss all them critters, Lord. A steak once in a while would be nice.”
A heavenly Voice boomed, “Don’t blame Me, Noah. I quite clearly said ‘animals,’ not ‘enemas.'”
“Oopsie.”

Weaponized

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After years of research and experimentation, Dr. Odd managed to isolate the chemical compound which was responsible for luck.
He tried to bottle the stuff and sell it over the counter, but he kept running into all sorts of problems in production and distribution.
The Food and Drug Administration sprung a surprise inspection of his facilities and ultimately shut his labs down for a wide variety of violations.
“This is concentrated Bad Luck!” moaned Dr. Odd.
The Pentagon was very interested in a weaponized form of Bad Luck, so Dr. Odd shipped them a sample…
Back on September 10, 2001.

Only In Texas

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“Kick their ass!
Plant ’em in the grass!
Hold that line!
Catch that pass!”
You couldn’t find a more unlikely football team than the Fighting Farmers of Lewisville.
As a Team Eponym, the Fighting Farmer is almost as ridiculous as the University of California (Santa Cruz) Banana Slugs. But these Farmers will make you laugh out of the other side of your face.
Fueled with Agrarian Animosity, they take to the field (the “Back Hundred”) and become veritable Tractors of Truculence. In contest after harrowing contest, they plow through their opponents, reaping a rich harvest of touchdowns.
Only in Texas.

The Headless Nessman

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Shaking nervously, Herb Tarlek looked out into the hallway.
“Do you see him?” whispered Mr. Carlson. “Do you see… Les?”
“No,” said Herb. “He’s not out here.”
“Well, no wonder why you can’t hear him,” said Johnny Fever. “Your jacket’s way too loud.”
Venus and Bailey cowered in the corner. “We’re all going to die,” whimpered Bailey.
Jennifer took a deep breath. “Who’s watching the back door?”
Just then, Andy let out a hideous moan and fell to the floor, an axe buried in his neck.
The Headless Nessman drew back the axe, hacked again, and dragged off Andy’s head.

Those Daring Young Men Without GPS And Their Flying Machines

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Trailing black smoke, Baron Von Schmidt’s mighty war zeppelin chugs across the Munich sky.
Henchmen with spiked helmets sing with the thrumming impeller blades, and the zeppelin begins its bombing run.
They open the portholes, hold out the bombs, and…
The Baron shouts a command to halt. The henchmen draw back their bombs and snuff out lit fuses while the nose of the zeppelin jerks upward.
“Nicht das London!” shouts the Baron.
There is an argument, and the navigator is thrown overboard, crashing through a church roof.
The Baron, ever the gentleman, apologizes and pays to have the roof fixed.

The Dotted Line

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Diva Chandelier and the record company fought for years, but in the end her army of lawyers fell to the combined might of the entire music industry.
The facts were clear: she had defaulted on an exclusive billion-dollar ten album, five concert tour deal.
But what was worse was that she had taken to singing in public… for free.
“A contract is a contract,” said the judge from inside the record company’s pocket. “Judgement is for the plaintiff, the defendant will surrender her voice.”
Her last public statement before going into the clinic for forced cauterization was a profanity-laden curse.

Weekly Challenge #28 – Halloween

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Welcome to the twenty-eighth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by me: a Halloween Tale.
Thirteen stories were submitted this week.
Three wonderful rookies this week. Yay!
And, as always, the usual madness by Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story for the 28th Weekly Challenge?
Adam from Squirrel Bait Podcast
Linda
W. Edwin
Lisa of Lemons and Lollipops
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Andrew from Dodgeblogium
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
B
T.A. Marquette from Footnote
Rahel of Elms In The Yard
Caroline from Quadra
Houston Keys
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


The full text to each story…
ADAM

He asked his sister what the topic was this week.
Receiving the answer, he sat down and began writing. He was a flurry of pencil on paper. Images of picnics, barbecues, and baseball games filled his head.
A creative little story was produced, about a boy who had proudly drilled a hole in his hot dog.
Given to his sister to review, she laughed until tears streamed down her face. He walked out of the room with his head down in shame when he realized his mistake.
“Oh,” he told his sister. “I thought you said ‘A Hollow Weenie Story.'”

LINDA

(NO TEXT SENT)

W. EDWIN

“What’s that sound?”
“Planet Saturn.”
“Creepy. It’s like -”
“What?”
“I dunno… I thought there wasn’t sound in space.”
“There isn’t. It’s just radio waves from Saturn’s magnetic field. The Cassini space probe recorded it. That’s all it is.”
But that wasn’t all. After Earth was dragged from her orbit, before her icy corpse met her ringed killer, humanity had long frozen.
They’d never understood the summons. The King of the Outer Dark, serene in the splendid remains of its previous meal, would never know, nor care, that they’d named it for the Titan who ate all lesser gods.

LISA

Buck was always trying “too hard”. He was the life of the Halloween party, wearing the most outrageous get-up, doing the craziest stunts. The guys got a big kick out of him, but the ladies were less than impressed.
Buck couldn’t understand why the women were avoiding him – his Tarzan costume showed off his spectacular physique, he won the apple-bobbing contest and was demonstrating his ability to tie a cherry stem with his tongue.
It was all for nothing, though. As Buck was leaving (alone) he whined, “But I tried so hard! All I wanted was a little Halloween tail.”

CALEB

The monster is out there again tonight….
A week ago he was alive and our rabbi and leader. Then he was brutally executed. Three days later, he came back a bloodthirsty zombie hungry for brains.
Of the thirty of us originally, only thirteen are left
I’ve been wearing yeast and water in my hair so I wouldn’t be kosher for Passover but the holiday will be gone when the sun goes down… any minute now.
Oh no! Here it comes!
“Brains!”
Jesus, it’s me your disciple, Sam!
“Brains!”
Wouldn’t you rather eat a Roman?
“Brains!”
No Jesus No! Aaaargh!
“Brains!”

ANDREW

If Christmas is a time to say ‘I love you’ then ‘Halloween’ is a time to say ‘I scare you.’
Except… therein lies a problem…
There are so many real world scares these days the imaginative ones seem to pale in comparision.
What with the North Korean Nutter with the bomb and Madman Imadinnerjacket trying to get one what’s some daft costume going to do?
All Hallow’s Eve is reduced to just another excuse for a piss-up and fancy-dress party.
Then again the Druids would love the fact we all get rat-arsed, dance like possesed and try to get laid.

LAIEANNA

“Oh my god,” Lisa wept as she watched the madman gut her. “What’s
happened here?”
“You were tortured and murdered.” Another voice responded, “And now
you’re a ghost.”
“I’m dead?” Anger suddenly rose inside her, “Then I can haunt the
bastard for doing this!” She swooped down on the man.
“Welcome home,” the psychopath smiled directly at her apparition.
“You have pretty eyes.” He scooped one out of her mangled face and
ate it.
Lisa recoiled in horror.
Another voice whispered, “I’m afraid he likes having our spirits
around and we seem to be bound here.”
Lisa couldn’t stop screaming.

B

Black widow spiders and huge green writing spiders all perfectly placed in gigantic webs stretching from post to post on her front porch. Huge cockroaches scattered here and there. The effect was eerie as hell; she was finally ready for Halloween.
She was giddy as she heard the first group coming up the stairs. This was her favorite part – the doorbell ringing and the shouts of trick-or-treat.
Nothing.
She would just peek out the window.
Fran later told the authorities that HER decorations were Earth friendly; no petroleum based plastic products. She didn’t want to contribute to the landfill problem!

T.A. MARQUETTE

Benny loved Halloween
It wasn’t so much the candy, as the costume.
This year he chose robot.
Making the rounds of the neighbor
It was hard to hold the candy bag,
still harder to walk
“Trick or Treat.” Growled Gary Good
the neighborhood bully.
Benny handed over the bag.
Laughing Gary Good gave Benny a shove.
He proceeded to flail about like an overturned turtle.
Next year on Halloween Gary Goods Father’s stingray hit a tree.
Three months in a comma for Gary Good.
Now the X bully moves and speaks like a spastic robot.
“Trick or treat.” Smiled Benny.

RAHEL

I found him on Hallowe’en night.
He was a tiny black kitten, skinny and barely able to walk. He gave a weak little mew as I picked him up.
As he grew into a sleek, lovely cat, he liked watching television, particularly the lottery drawings. He would sit with his eyes glued to the screen while his toys lay temporarily neglected.
One day, I decided to bring home a lottery card. Just to see what would happen.
He jumped on the table and rubbed up against it, purring. Then he started pointing with his paws.
Yes, that’s my Bentley outside.

CAROLINE

Sandy and Jamie went scrounging amongst the garbage as usual on 31Oct. All they knew was hunger and cold. Finding a mask, wings and some candy, they thought interesting! It was getting colder now. With Sandy wearing the mask and Jamie the wings they laughed at each other. As they laughed they grew less hungry and cold. They continued laughing until they couldn’t stop. Others came, joined in, until there was a large gathering. People all laughing. They laughed their heads off. They laughed their socks off. They took off their clothes and danced in the moonlight. Well it was Halloween.

HOUSTON KEYS

Our Hero had an odd taste for obscure cat blogs which tantalized him in a way that was un-natural.
Inspired by them, he began scouring the neighborhoods looking for a larger high. Finding cats in alleys and under houses and watching them for hours.
Or maybe… the cats were watching him.
Halloween night, as he was snuggled in his plain, boring bed he heard a scraping sound at his window.
He screamed in terror at first, and then stared in quiet fascination at a cat licking blissfully on the glass.
Until with a jingle of it’s tiny bell, it struck.

TED

(NO TEXT GIVEN)

PLANET Z

[LAY IT ON THICK] It was a dark and stormy night.
A howling wind whipped through the bare trees.
I walked up the foggy hill to the creepy mansion and knocked.
Slowly, the door creaked open.
[LON CHENEY] “Cliche Residence,” said a hollow voice.
[TRY TO IMITATE BOB NEWHART] I cleared my throat. “My car broke down, and… um…”
A tall, gaunt figure stepped out from the darkness. He was clad in a dusty, cobwebbed suit at least a century out of fashion. [LON CHENEY] “Our telephone is out,” he said. “Come inside. Warm yourself by the fire.” [CUT THE MUSIC HERE, CHANGE TO IRRITATION AND MOCKERY]
“No thank you,” I said, walking away from the door. “This is just too ridiculous.”


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, I’ve settled on “Clair de Lune” as the opening music and “Moonshine” by Michael Oldfield from the Tubular Bells II album.)

A Love Story

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Houston Keys comes back during the week for a special love story…

She was a nice girl, pretty and sweet with smiling eyes.
He met her at an ice cream social and they quickly fell in love. Their parents didn’t approve of their relationship. He was from a bad background and she was from privilege so they ran off to Vegas to get married.
She was sweet, but loud, very loud, and demanding.
Things only got worse once they were married and bought a house. He would drink to escape her nagging and complaining. Eventually he came to realize the magic was gone.
That’s why she’s now buried under the kitchen floor.

Restraint

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This story from Lisa has a cute bunny… and… um…. gunplay.

Elmer couldn’t believe Bugs got a medical degree. “A silly wabbit for a doctor, I’m never getting sick!” Elmer worked very hard to keep himself healthy.
A few years later, however, Elmer and the wife began having a few problems in the boudoir, so he ordered himself some bargain-priced pills to “get things going”.
Elmer knew something was horribly wrong about three hours after taking the first pill. He would have to go see Bugs.
It took every bit of Elmer’s willpower not to shoot Bugs right between the eyes as he was met with the usual: “eh…what’s up, doc?”

A twist of metallic fate

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I don’t even bother listening to the bum’s story. My hand goes into my pocket automatically for the change in there.
I shake it out, and find The Paperclip.
It’s been a long time since its glory days at NASA, when during the 12th Apollo mission it bridged a navigation circuit that could have splattered the capsule across Utah.
After two decades jumping from binder to binder, it was unbent to reset a critical communications computer for the shuttle program.
A hero among office supplies.
I hand the bum the change, unbend the paperclip, and pick my teeth with it.