Tag: silly

Flower Bandit

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We checked the video twice.
A man walks into the bank, gives the teller a rose, and she hands him all the cash in the drawer.
He kisses her hand and then walks out to the street, vanishing in the crowd.
No alarm at all.
Nobody knows who he is. His face is all over the news, but he’s not armed or dangerous.
The tellers refuse to say anything about him, but they insist on keeping the flowers.
We’ve checked for fingerprints and DNA… nothing comes up.
What’s curious is that since he started, sales of flowers have gone up.

Coffee Down Under

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When it comes to the marsupial family, the koala is the heaviest drinker of coffee.
Kangaroos are already jumpy enough without caffeine.
However, they can easily afford to hop to Starbucks time and time again because of their deep pockets.
Possums enjoy a good cappuccino now and then.
Wombats prefer tea. And Tasmanian Devils use diet soft drinks for a quick boost of energy.
Technically, the duck-billed platypus is a monotreme and not a marsupial.
Nobody has ever seen a duck-billed platypus drink coffee, but then, nobody has seen one play a tuba, either.
There’s always a first time, though.

Mall Santa

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Yeah, I punched a mall Santa in the face.
Guy had it coming. He was drunk and falling all over himself.
Plus, it was July.
That drunk bastard should be up at the North Pole, making toys.
Instead, he’s making faces at the kids and puking on himself.
There’s enough of that in December, but I won’t want to have to see this crap in July.
Who do you think makes all the fireworks for the Fourth of July? he drools.
The Chinese, I say, and I punch him again.
Santa goes down, and I take his sack of fireworks.

It Takes A Thief

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It takes a thief to catch a thief.
That’s what the mayor said to the police chief when the crime rate threatened his re-election chances.
So, the police chief went to other towns, recruiting thieves.
He figured he should grab some rapists and murderers, too.
When the crime rate soared, the mayor lost the election and a new mayor took office.
The problem was, this guy was corrupt as hell.
The police chief wondered. It takes a mayor to catch a mayor?
He never got the chance, though. It took 10 hours for the coroner to find all the bullets.

Smash It With A Brick!

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Ever have a problem that was impossible to solve?
I can solve it.
You see, I have a Masters Degree in Smashitwithabrickology.
Simply put, you can solve anything by smashing it with a brick.
Ever try it?
Well, of course it didn’t work. It takes a seasoned expert to master the art of the brick.
The size of the brick.
The speed of the smashing.
Which end to use.
These are things that you might not consider, but I have considered for years.
What? You think this is stupid?
Sounds like a problem to me.
Stand still for me, please.

Cake Baking

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Mom was busy in the kitchen, baking a gigantic cake.
Little Susie asked why.
“It’s Baking A Cake Day,” said Mom. “And that’s why I am baking a cake.”
“Why is there a Baking A Cake Day, Mommy?” asked Little Susie.
“To celebrate Cake-Baking!”
“Why celebrate cakes? Why not pies?”
“You’re not an unpatriotic pie-lover are you?”
Little Susie asked why pie was bad, but her mother shoved her out the door.
“Go play outside!” she shouted.
Susie walked through the trees to the neighborhood creek and made mud pies with her friends.
But she came home caked with dirt.

Strewn at his feet

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It is a rule of the royal palace that everywhere our liege walks, rose petals must be strewn at his feet.
Sadly, the roses were killed by unexpected frost, and it will be months before new blooms can grow.
Our master lays in bed, tied up and angry.
“All I want to do is walk to the bathroom,” he growls.
“No,” I say. “We have no roses to strew at your feet. We must carry you.”
He sighs. He knows that he is no more important than the office, and with the office comes rules.
We tighten the ropes.

Sloppy Fred

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Sure, you think you know all about the Sloppy Joe, but I knew Joe, and he wasn’t sloppy.
No, the real problem was the waiter Fred.
We called him Sloppy Fred.
Joe would make beef sandwiches and smack the bell. Fred grabbed the platter, and all hell would break loose.
Sauce this way. Sandwiches that way.
Sure enough, by the time he got to the table, he’d gotten them all messy.
Fred tried to blame Joe, the chef.
But he didn’t count on these things being a hit.
Joe killed Fred. Covered his tracks really good.
Not sloppy at all.

Pet

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So, you want to pet the kittycat?
I can’t blame you for wanting to.
Follow the rules:
The kittycat decides who may pet the kittycat.
The kittycat decides when you must pet the kittycat.
Not may. Must.
The kittycat will decide where on the kittycat you may pet and where you must.
The kittycat is not obligated to tell you where.
And the kittycat can decide to change its mind about anything it has decided.
Sure you still want to pet the kittycat?
Fine.
But don’t bitch when your other hand ends up in a bandage like the first one.

The Kidder

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My dad, the kidder.
Every time the old man tried to tell me his favorite joke, something interrupted him.
Usually, it was the phone. Or a knock on the door.
The last time I talked to him, I asked him again.
He stared out the window, just smiling. “I’ll be with your mother soon,” he said. “Anything you want me to tell her?”
He was calm, relaxed. Maybe a little tired from the pills.
This morning, he was gone.
I opened the envelope and read the note.
“I forgot the punchline,” it said. “But, trust me, it was really funny.”