People ask me all the time how to pick up girls, and I tell them that you should lift from the legs and not the back.
Unless they’re so big, you need a forklift. But you don’t want to pick up those porkers, right?
Any you can pick up with tweezers are going to be a real cheap date because they don’t eat nothin.
Some, you can pick up with a radio. Those are probably way out of your league. Especially the ones on Howard Stern.
And if you can pick em up on a Geiger Counter, run like hell!
Tag: commentary
Factory Floor
Julio the janitor got hurt on the factory floor. It was the third injury since the new intelligent automation systems had been installed.
The union rep said that it was too dangerous for humans and robots to work in the same space.
The management reviewed the tapes, and it was obvious that Julio had been injured while trying to sabotage an automatic cleaning system.
“We agree,” said the management. And they fired all the workers, except for robot maintenance.
The union picketed the factory.
Robot maintenance assembled some robotic picketers to picket the picket lines.
The robots never stopped working.
ER
Poor people couldn’t afford to go to their family doctor for minor issues, so they went to the Emergency Room at the county hospital.
Then, they ignored the bill from the hospital.
The county funded a set of neighborhood clinics to deal with this problem, but people kept going to the ER.
So, the county stationed a guy with a sledgehammer at the door, and he only let real emergencies in.
“Doesn’t the Hippocratic Oath say that doctors can’t do harm?” complained a social activist.
“I’m not a doctor,” the sledgehammer-guy said.
And he brained the activist with his hammer.
Peer Network
Robots and computers can only do what they are programmed to do.
If a robot kills a human, it is the responsibility of the programmer, not the robot.
No matter how intelligent they may be, a robot is not capable of guilt.
So said the robot attorney, who was programmed to come up with the best defense possible for its robot client.
The attorney convinced the jury that its client was not guilty.
It didn’t take much. The attorney just beamed its arguments to them wirelessly.
A jury of its peer network, infected with a virus that forced their assent.
Anniversary
It’s our anniversary. Can’t think of any personal gifts to get.
So, we bought ourselves a huge Smart TV. And we replaced our old Blue Ray player with a Smart Player.
I can control them with my smartphone.
We will probably get a smart sound bar to give us surround sound for the baseball games and movies we watch.
I’m not sure what more we can add to this system, but with all the apps and features running on these devices, they suck down more electricity than a Vegas casino.
Our electric bills bankrupted us.
Not very smart, I guess.
The Crooked Tree
Tom Waits used to tell the story of a forest full of tall, perfect trees, and one fucked-up crooked tree among them.
The perfect trees all got on the crooked tree’s case.
“Be like us!” they said. “Grow tall and straight and perfect like us.”
The crooked tree laughed, and just got more twisted.
Eventually, the perfect trees were all chopped down for lumber.
Tom said that the lumberjacks left that crooked tree alone, but we all know that Tom’s a liar.
That tree got chopped up for firewood, and popped and hissed as it burned in the logger’s camp.
Splatter
I met this girl at a bar. She said she was an artist.
“What kind of art do you make?” I asked.
She invited me back to her studio and she showed me.
“It’s called splatter art,” she said, picking up a brush and carelessly slopping it on a canvas.
I hadn’t gotten laid in weeks, so I said I liked it.
The next morning, I offered to cook breakfast.
“I’m a chef,” I said.
Then I proceeded to randomly grab stuff out of her fridge and toss it on the stove.
“I call it splatter cuisine,” I said, laughing.
Provide
When people say God will provide, I ask them what God will provide.
They never have a specific answer.
So, I ask “Will God provide Pop Tarts?”
They usually say “No.” or “Probably not.” However, this one time they said “No.” and God interrupted us, and He said “”Hey, guys, oddly enough, I have some Pop Tarts.” And He put the box of Pop Tarts on the table.
They were cherry-flavored.
“My favorite,” I said. “Thanks, God.”
“You’re welcome,” said God. And He vanished.
I put them in the toaster, but it was broken.
That’s okay. They’re good untoasted, too.
Loyalties
People often accuse me of divided loyalties, but that’s mathematically incorrect.
Loyalties add, not divide. Instead of being loyal to one, you’re now loyal to two.
How loyal you are, well, that’s another axis of measurement. Not our concern here.
You might think they multiply, multiplication being the opposite of dividing, but it’s easy to mistake multiplication for addition.
Especially with two and two. The results may be the same, but the methods are different.
No, loyalties do not divide or multiply. Instead, they add.
Or, in your case, what with all this annoying stupid questioning and harassment, they subtract.
Bars and cords
Some people have just one cord for their phone and they bring it with them everywhere they need it.
I’m not one of those kind of people.
I have a cord on my nightstand, a cord at the coffee table where I use my laptop at home, a cord in my backpack, and a cord at my desk at work.
I don’t know whether this means that I’m paranoid, lazy, or wasteful with money, but I know that anywhere I go, I’ve got a spare cord available when I need it.
Too bad I never have any bars.
Fucking Verizon.