George the Santa

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he had his moments.
Every Christmas, George put on a Santa suit and played Santa for the crew’s Christmas party.
They’d line up to sit in his lap.
“What would you like for Christmas, little boy?” he asked in a deep jolly Santa voice.
They’d ask for new boots, new swords, a pile of treasure, their own ship, or to retire as a barkeep with pretty wenches.
“Sorry,” George would say to them, “You’re a pirate, so you’re on my naughty list.”
George got beaten up a lot.

George asks Santa

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
That’s good as in skilled, not good as in a good person.
Even Santa had to admit that George was a good person.
“You’re on my nice list, George,” said Santa. “That’s rather surprising, because every other pirate is on my naughty list.”
“And did you get my wishlist?” said George.
“Yes,” said Santa. “A new hat.”
“One that won’t blow off of my head in a strong wind, right?” said George.
“Yes, yes,” said Santa. “Now get off of my lap, your cutlass is digging into my leg!”

George and the mall santa

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Around Christmastime, he’d earn some extra cash as a Mall Santa.
But he wasn’t a very good Mall Santa, either.
He put on the suit, got up on the chair, and kids sat in his lap and asked him for things.
Everything went smoothly. No crying, pissing, vomiting, or long lines.
The mall’s owner fired him.
“When kids cry, their mothers buy them things,” said the boss. “When things go quickly and smoothly, they don’t buy anything.”
George plundered the mall and got some new boots. And oven mitts.

George the Pirate Costume

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Oh, sure, he always wanted to be a pirate.
He dressed up as a pirate every Halloween and went Trick-or-Treating.
One year, after hearing “Aren’t you too old to be trick or treating?” too many times, George went to the tavern.
Sure enough, there was a table full of pirates, and when they were done drinking, George tagged along.
At first, the captain was happy to get a new recruit.
But after so many screwups, he wished that George had dressed up like a clown and joined the circus.

Striking colors

Back in the days of frigates and pirates, to show your colors meant to lower the flag you sailed under and then raise the Jolly Roger to reveal that you are, in fact, pirates.
Which is kinda strange, considering that the Jolly Roger was a white skull on a black field. Not very colorful at all.
I’m sure you could make a comment about rainbow flags and “butt pirates” but that’s highly offensive, and you should never use that kind of language.
Instead, just say “Yarrr!” and “Shiver me timbers!” over and over.
Otherwise, you should prepare to be boarded.

George the Meticulous Pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
In battle, while other pirates would fire their cannons quickly, and swing with ropes to board the enemy vessel, George would spent several minutes calculating trajectories, powder volumes, and muzzle angles.
He also insisted on a clean barrel, to avoid backfire or breach explosions.
“Shoot, you fool!” the captain would shout. “Shoot!”
When he eventually did shoot, he’d take out the enemy’s powder room, and the ship would explode into kindling and sink.
“Yes!” shouted George.
“How are we supposed to get the treasure now, genius?” the captain said.

George the Pirate watches the sunset

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
None of the other pirates liked him very much.
He spent a lot of time in the galley, or swabbing the deck, or up in the crow’s nest.
He loved to watch sunrises and sunsets, the yellows and oranges and reds spreading across the sky.
It made him feel warm and good.
And it helped him to forget all of his failures, mistakes, and screwups.
It also helped him to forget about the British Navy vessels approaching from the East.
Well, their cannons would help him remember soon enough.

George the Pirate learns music

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had difficulty learning the lyrics and tunes to all the sea shanties.
They tried to teach him to use the squeeze box, but he kept breaking it.
Squeeze boxes are really expensive to repair. Might as well just pillage a town to get another, really.
So, at night, he practiced singing. And, in time, he got better.
One day, he burst into song for the Captain.
“Hush!” growled the Captain. “Don’t you realize we’re trying to hide in the fog?”
That’s when the British Navy fired their cannons.

George the Pirate gets a Valentine

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Nobody liked him.
Every Valentine’s Day, the other pirates’ hats would be full of valentines.
George’s would be empty.
All George wanted was one. Even if it was just a black X on a scrap of paper, you know, because most pirates can’t write or read.
Then, one year, George got a valentine.
Which pirate was it?
Probably not one of the guys he’d mistakenly stabbed or slashed or shot with a cannon or knocked overboard.
It didn’t matter. George was happy.
And he had the best day ever.

George the Pirate Teacher

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He couldn’t do any pirate things right.
And you know what they say about those who can’t do.
So, he started a pirate school.
He taught people how to be pirates.
And for pirates, he offered Masters degrees and Doctorates.
The school got a lot of students.
Even his old Captain took a few refresher courses.
He made a fortune in tuition. Especially with the criminally-high interest in student loans.
Thousands of pirates were paying off their debt to George for years.
He became the greatest pirate of all.