Striking colors

Back in the days of frigates and pirates, to show your colors meant to lower the flag you sailed under and then raise the Jolly Roger to reveal that you are, in fact, pirates.
Which is kinda strange, considering that the Jolly Roger was a white skull on a black field. Not very colorful at all.
I’m sure you could make a comment about rainbow flags and “butt pirates” but that’s highly offensive, and you should never use that kind of language.
Instead, just say “Yarrr!” and “Shiver me timbers!” over and over.
Otherwise, you should prepare to be boarded.

George the Meticulous Pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
In battle, while other pirates would fire their cannons quickly, and swing with ropes to board the enemy vessel, George would spent several minutes calculating trajectories, powder volumes, and muzzle angles.
He also insisted on a clean barrel, to avoid backfire or breach explosions.
“Shoot, you fool!” the captain would shout. “Shoot!”
When he eventually did shoot, he’d take out the enemy’s powder room, and the ship would explode into kindling and sink.
“Yes!” shouted George.
“How are we supposed to get the treasure now, genius?” the captain said.

George the Pirate watches the sunset

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
None of the other pirates liked him very much.
He spent a lot of time in the galley, or swabbing the deck, or up in the crow’s nest.
He loved to watch sunrises and sunsets, the yellows and oranges and reds spreading across the sky.
It made him feel warm and good.
And it helped him to forget all of his failures, mistakes, and screwups.
It also helped him to forget about the British Navy vessels approaching from the East.
Well, their cannons would help him remember soon enough.

George the Pirate learns music

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had difficulty learning the lyrics and tunes to all the sea shanties.
They tried to teach him to use the squeeze box, but he kept breaking it.
Squeeze boxes are really expensive to repair. Might as well just pillage a town to get another, really.
So, at night, he practiced singing. And, in time, he got better.
One day, he burst into song for the Captain.
“Hush!” growled the Captain. “Don’t you realize we’re trying to hide in the fog?”
That’s when the British Navy fired their cannons.

George the Pirate gets a Valentine

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Nobody liked him.
Every Valentine’s Day, the other pirates’ hats would be full of valentines.
George’s would be empty.
All George wanted was one. Even if it was just a black X on a scrap of paper, you know, because most pirates can’t write or read.
Then, one year, George got a valentine.
Which pirate was it?
Probably not one of the guys he’d mistakenly stabbed or slashed or shot with a cannon or knocked overboard.
It didn’t matter. George was happy.
And he had the best day ever.

George the Pirate Teacher

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He couldn’t do any pirate things right.
And you know what they say about those who can’t do.
So, he started a pirate school.
He taught people how to be pirates.
And for pirates, he offered Masters degrees and Doctorates.
The school got a lot of students.
Even his old Captain took a few refresher courses.
He made a fortune in tuition. Especially with the criminally-high interest in student loans.
Thousands of pirates were paying off their debt to George for years.
He became the greatest pirate of all.

George the Pirate Receipts

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While his shipmates pillaged and looted a place, he offered to write receipts so that the victims could file an insurance claim.
And he’d offer to provide testimony during claim disputes.
His shipmates considered him a traitor. The Captain thought him insane.
“It’s not any overwhelming sense of guilt,” said George. “They’ll win their claim, buy all new stuff, and then write me a note of gratitude.”
“And this is good why exactly?” asked The Captain.
“So we can rob them all over again.”
The Captain laughed and smiled.