New Rome

886641

Pope Papadapoulos the Portly stood at the window of his basilica, surveying his domain, reflecting on his life’s work. He was pleased.
Singlehandedly, he had effected what had been thought impossible: the healing of the Great Schism. Now, Greek, Roman, and Russian churches all obeyed a single authority, kissed a single ring. His ring.
With the elaborate ceremonies that were to mark the historic relocation of the Holy See from Rome to Buenos Aires about to begin, the Holy Cheerleaders were in position, clutching their pompons.
Papadapoulos strode forth. It was time to deliver the first Bull of the Pampas.

The Easter Egg Hunt

348570

We spent all of yesterday painting eggs. The kids love the bright colors and the sparkles. Their wide-open eyes dazzle in delight.
After they went to bed, I hid the eggs throughout the house. That’s right. When they wake up, we’re going to have ourselves an old-fashioned Easter egg hunt.
But sometimes, they whine about this kind of thing. Kids can be lazy these days, you know. Damn X-Box Generation.
So if they give up, I’ll just tell them that we didn’t paint chicken eggs. We painted rattlesnake and alligator eggs. And if they don’t find them all, they’ll hatch.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 55

545504

General Grant slid the card across the table to his Commander In Chief and winked.

Abe looked at it:

“HOUSE OF PAIN”

“They’re good,” said Grant. “They’ve got S&M clubs here in Washington, New York, Boston, and Atlanta. Made Sherman think twice about burning the city down.”

Abe slid it back to Grant.

“As I would not be a slave,” said Abraham Lincoln. “So I would not be a master.”

“Fine,” Grant said. “Your loss. I’ll take Stanton this weekend.”
Abe left the room, went upstairs, and put on his diaper.

“I want my bottle!” he shouted.

Mary Todd sighed.

The Designer

714393

It was only a matter of time before she branched out into a new business.
Name recognition? She had that – in spades. Her online journal was massively popular: on the rare occasions when she accepted comments, hundreds would sprout, like mushrooms after spring rain. She was eagerly sought out for interviews. Television. Newspapers.
But writing was becoming a bore, so she now turned her prodigious talents to the world of fashion design. Within months, her pocketbooks were being introduced in the hottest salons of Beverly Hills and Salt Lake City.
Yes, ladies: Now you, too, can own a DooceBag.

Problems

525374

Finally, an angst-filled monologue from Andrew Ian Dodge…

Problems, We all got problems
You’ve got more than most
When it comes to complaining
You really push out the boat
Where d’you get off
Giving me all this shit
The smallest little crime
You turn into a right little bitch
It makes me stop and wonder
Why I keep you in my life
You got shit – deal with it
Don’t keep it all inside
I’ll help you if you ask me
Just quit messing with my mind
Your emotions are so wild
You minds a total mess
You can’t turn back the tide
And it really gets me stressed

I’m smelling song here…

Showbiz

546218

Andrew Ian Dodge shares a little showbiz news…

After the downer tale of yesterday and the described idiocy of the previous 100 words… I am going a bit goofier. I have got two bits of show-biz news you lot might not have heard yet. One…the horrid news that pneumatic breasted Jordan and her one hit wonder Aussie husband, Peter “Insania” Andre are planning an album of duets. NO! On the other hand Take That fans will be pleased to hear Robbie Williams will rejoin the group for their forthcoming tour. He previously said that he wasn’t going to join his former group-mates on their nostalgic panty-squirt inducing tour.

Since when was this the E! Channel?

The Dali Code

407101

I know you’ve heard of the DaVinci Code, but have you heard of the Dali Code?
Just as the true nature of Christ is in a vault only reachable by following clues laid out by Leonardo DaVinci’s work, Salvador Dali’s work is a map to the Missing Fifteenth Station of the Cross.
Dali? Devout?
Of course he was. Why else would he paint Crucifixion?
Okay, so here’s the secret: Between having his clothes stripped off and getting nailed to the cross, Jesus was slapped with a fish in a bowler hat.
Okay, so he was a weird kind of devout.

Wax Job

696051

Ron had trouble holding down a job.
He was fired from the zoo after they caught him spanking the monkey. Even worse, there was evidence that he had also been whipping the lizard.
He lasted less than a week at the Tyson processing plant. Someone discovered him in the process of choking the chicken, a job he was unauthorized to perform. The SPCA was outraged.
All of this changed when Ron interviewed with the Staunton Amalgamated Chess-Piece Manufactory. He was hired, quickly rising through the ranks, eventually becoming CEO.
For nobody could wax a bishop as well as Ron. Nobody.

Elements

440109

Everything’s okay with Kim, right, Andrew?

The end of a serious relationship does a rather heavy job on your being. It brings to mind that you go through the four basic elements of nature. The first one is fire in the form of your pained rage. Then there is the wind in your screaming emotional outbursts. The water element raises its head in the fact you feel all your plans are now wet and useless. And finally you come back to earth and realise that you can move on; get on with the rest of your life. Remember this wisdom the next time you get dumped.

The Horrible, Terrible, Very Bad Breakfast Cereal

811260

Harrison lifted the spoon to his mouth and started chewing. His face contorted into a mask of disgust.
“Jeezus! What is this shit?”
“Exactly,” replied Johnston.
“We did some research. Turns out most mammals do a lousy job of extracting nutrients from food. Plenty of stuff just – goes to waste, you’ll pardon the expression. We’re simply running it through a second time.
“Plus, the ingredients are practically free. Think of the variable margin – like printing money!”
Harrison considered this briefly, rolling a kernel of corn around on his tongue.
“Add a sugar frosting and put a bear on the box.”