Inkblots

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Every inkblot is a confession.
The first shows a child of nine stealing candy bars from the drugstore.
The second shows an angry teen setting fire to the home of the rival to his affections. Romeo burns. Juliet burns.
The third reveals another theft – test scores for his university admissions exam. A+!
The final one shows his business partner allowed to choke to death after a discussion about insurance.
Wait. There’s one more left, doc?
Hold still. Let’s see… that’s you. And me. Standing over you.
No idea how I kill you, but I’ll try to make it interesting.

Killer Mistake

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“Just type the name and press the Enter key,” the KillKiosk said.
Bart typed in MOLLY MARGARET and hit Enter.
“There,” he said.
“Thank you,” said the KillKiosk. “Margaret Molly will be dead by nine AM tomorrow or your money back.”
Bart looked at the screen and realized the thing wanted the last name first.
“Crap!” he shouted.
He tried tapping on a few keys, but all he got was NO EXCHANGES OR REFUNDS.
“Screw it,” said Bart and he typed in MARGARET MOLLY.
He’s just refuse the charges and let Killkiosk fight it out with the credit card company.

Stroking my vanity

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Andrew Ian Dodge sucks to me and my COTV heroics today…

As some of you might have heard the Carnival of the Vanities has a bit of a row going on. As with last time someone acted the prat and decided not to post all entries our lad Laurence did an Avignon edition. Avignon is where the alternate Pope was based when the Catholic Church was having one of its many rows. I don’t quite understand why people take it upon themselves to act a teet and go against the entire ethos of the CoTV. Its people who lack the understanding of the word Vanity. Let’s hope it ain’t its deathnell.

Crown Of Foam

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Earl screamed in agony.
The slightest jostle could set his scalp on fire and fill his ears with boiling waves.
“Sit still,” said the scanner operator.
“I try,” said Earl. “God knows I try.”
The doctors found nothing, prescribing him so many pills until he realized that they had no idea what was wrong with him.
After two months, Earl firmly believed that his mind was a fish in glass bowl full of boiling water, swimming around while suffering.
So he declared himself Prince of the Glass Palace, built a crown of foam rubber, and stayed on his padded throne.

NASCAR

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Andrew Ian Dodge may be in Jolly Old England, but he still looks back to the Sport Of The King Of Beers every now and then…

Murray and I have come up with t-shirts for NASCAR loving mates. The T-shirts are inspired by a piece of idiocy as found by LGF. It seems that NBC wanted to prove that NASCAR fans are a bunch of racist knuckle dragging redneck morons. They seemed to be keen to do whatever is necessary to make their case ala those types at CBS. I am guessing whomever came up with this scheme never heard of New Hampshire Motorspeedway. This was in part done in memory of my fave NASCAR fan Mommabear. She would have been a bit peeved for sure.

Virgin

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Andrew Ian Dodge learns the agony of defeat…

The L’Affaire England, Please Lose It has ended unsatisfactorily for Growing Old Disgracefully. You see Virgin Radio had a bit of contest to pick an A & B-side of a world Cup charity single. A side was meant to be a pro-England footie and B anti-World Cup/footie. Well it seems what they didn’t tell us was that the b-side was suppose to be shite. We didn’t realise this; GoD submitted an anti-footie love song. Instead of telling us it was not appropriate; the bastards have “lost” the track which I hand-delivered to their London offices. What a bunch of wankers.

Dreamthief

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People are stealing my dreams and posting them online.
I have no idea who is doing it or how they are doing it, but the dreams I have while I’m asleep appear on the Internet the next morning.
The more vivid the dream, the more vivid the form in which it appears.
For a while, I wondered how they did it. I tore apart pillows, alarm clocks, my ceiling lamp… anything a mind-reading sensor or recorder could conceivably be hidden in.
I never found any.
Maybe this podcasted story is one of my dreams, stolen and posted online?
Thieving bastards.

Camoron

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Andrew Ian Dodge looks at the leader of the CONSERVATIVES with… less than hope.

Recently David Cameron, Tory leader, has called UKIP a bunch of fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists. Now considering that UKIP is made up of lots of former Conservative voters and potential future ones it is amazingly stupid to be so beastly about the anti-EU party. If he thinks he can ditch the right (no the BNP is not right they are national socialists) and merely get elected via the middle road he is a bigger fool than I ever believed him to be. Let’s hope that Dan Hannan can talk some sense into Cameron next time he sees him.

Giving the fingers

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Ever say something you wish you could take back?
Mine’s easy. It’s: “If you’re going to censor people’s free speech for fear of offending anyone, why not just cut off everyone’s middle finger while you’re at it?”
Five weeks later, and I’m sitting on top of the largest pile of severed middle fingers in history. It’s a bloody, rotting heap of madness, and it’s getting bigger by the pair.
I think it’s some kind of World Record. World’s largest pile of severed human appendages. The guys who confirm those things came by last week.
And lost their middle fingers, too.

Wembley sinking

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Wembley is sinking, and Andrew Ian Dodge wonders if it is in London or not…

We are getting reports that the new Wembley Studium is in fact sinking in situ. Workers at the site have been discussing it avidly, despite protestations from site managers and governments officials. It seems that the new edifice might be rather too heavy for the land on which it is situated. It is so bad that the Conservative Party have called for an inquiry by the N.A.O, There is a mild panic in various circles as this does not bode well for the completion of the stadia and facilities necessary for the 2012 London Olympics. You’d think we’re in NOLA!