When you eat a chocolate bunny, do you eat the ears first or the feet?
What about the tail? Do you eat that first?
I remember a comedian who said that he bit out the eyes and screamed at it.
But that’s crazy.
Because nobody bites out the eyes of their chocolate bunny.
They do that to their chocolate Santa Clauses.
Or they bite out his crotch.
I mean, after all the kids who sat on the laps of mall Santas, especially the ones who were child predators getting off on it?
And the worst part?
They were paid to.
Christmas lawyers
Every time I hear someone say “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” I never hear from their lawyers.
People tend to just say that when they’re frustrated and know they’re wrong, but just want to intimidate you.
Lawyers never actually show up and do things.
Except this one time.
It was Christmas Eve, and there was a knock on the door.
Foolishly, I opened it.
And there were the lawyers.
They sang some wonderful Christmas carols at me.
Now, when people say I’ll be hearing from their lawyers! I say “I look forward to it.”
And make the figgy pudding.
Come to Jesus
I remember one manager who kept saying that we needed to have a “Come To Jesus” moment.
Never mind that I was Jewish.
So, I came to Jesus.
“Hi,” said Jesus.
“HI,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” said Jesus. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I said. “But my boss is an asshole.”
“Try working for your father,” said Jesus.
So, I went back to my boss, quit my job, and went to work for my father’s company.
It totally sucked. And I quit that job too.
I went back to Jesus.
“I’m not very good with sarcasm,” said Jesus.
Chaplin’s Glue
Charlie Chaplin’s mustache was a fake.
He glued it on every morning.
And that glue had a unique smell. A very bad smell.
Everyone on the set of The Kid could smell it, but nobody said anything about it.
Except one.
“Ew, that stinks!” said Jackie Coogan.
Chaplin laughed. “Yes, I know it, it’s right under my nose.”
Years later, a much older Jackie Coogan played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family series.
Wardrobe offered him a white wig to wear.
“We need to glue it on…”
Remembering the stench of Charlie’s glue, Jackie shaved his head and went bald.
Weekly Challenge #814 – What’s that on your face?
LIZZIE
The crow landed on the arm of the scarecrow.
“Well, I never,” thought the scarecrow.
The crow groomed himself and just sat there.
What on earth. They were supposed to be afraid of him.
A bit of wind made the crow flap the wings briefly.
This is really too much!
“Oh, what’s that on your face?” asked the crow.
What, what? The thing was talking!
“That’s so sweet. It’s a ladybird!”
A ladybird? Where, where?
The crow laughed. “You crossed your eyes!”
The scarecrow smiled.
“Friends? I promise not to eat the crops here.”
“Friends.”
And even the ladybird smiled.
RICHARD
Big Disgrace!
“What’s that on your face?” She asked, as I stumbled through the door.
“Oh my God, is it blood? What happened to you?”
It was a reasonable question: Bruised, bloodied and battered, my clothes in disarray, and stumbling over my own feet, I must have looked a state.
“I got mugged!”
She flung her arms around me, helped me into an armchair then poured me a large whisky.
My face hurt like hell, but my self-inflicted wounds were worth it.
The whisky would mask the booze on my breath, and she’d never notice the lipstick on my collar now!
DUANE
“Oh my god, Stan! What’s that on your face?”
“It’s No-Shave November, Linda. To grow awareness about cancer.”
“Nobody should see that. It’s going to scare small children and don’t you have another date with Ellen tonight?”
“Yeah, third date and you know what means. Oh, yeah!”
“Well, good luck with that on your face.”
Later that night…
“Dinner was wonderful Stan. Too bad it was raining. Or maybe not, huh? Let’s slip out of these wet clothes.”
“Ellen, you read my mind. Let’s just… Oh my god! What’s that?”
“What? Oh, come on silly, it’s No-Shave November!”
SERENDIPIDY
“And what’s that on your face, you evil little girl?”
“It’s a smirk, sir!”
Mr Johnson’s own face flushed so red I thought he might explode, which would have been a lot of fun, and delightfully messy, but unfortunately, he didn’t.
“It’s not a laughing matter!” He hissed, “I’ll be speaking to your parents about this.”
Good luck with that, I thought, he’d need a medium or an Ouija board to speak to either!
I couldn’t see what the big deal was: I’d only squished Milly, the school hamster, with my foot.
Maybe I should have squished Mr Johnson instead?
TURA
“What’s that on your face?”
———
Charlie woke up as usual one morning, but when he turned to his wife, she screamed in panic, “What’s that on your face?”
“What?” said Charlie, touching his face. Nothing seemed wrong, but by that time she had fled from the house without even dressing.
He looked in the bathroom mirror, but the glass fell off and shattered.
He got dressed and wandered outside. Everyone who saw him screamed and fled.
An approaching car suddenly accelerated towards him. The last thing he saw was the driver’s face, grimacing in terror.
So he never did discover what was on his face.
JARED
Never Underestimate a Good Editor
Few people have read Tolkein’s early drafts of The Hobbit. The versions of some iconic moments found there are quite different from what ended up in the published manuscript. Take the riddle contest between Bilbo and Golem in the tunnels of Goblin-town, for instance. Instead of Bilbo asking Gollum ‘What’s in my pocket?”, he points at Gollum, and asks “What’s that on your face?”
The scene ultimately still led to Bilbo winning the riddle battle, but had a lot more banal dialogue along the lines of ‘above your nose’, ‘below your eye’ and ‘no, no – the other side. Your left.’
NORVAL JOE
Billbert considered Sabrina’s words. She had said the weather witches wanted him in Eureka.
She asked, “What’s that on your face?”
Billbert wiped his lips. “What? Is there food on my mouth?”
Sabrina smiled now. “No. Not food. It’s the funny expression on your face. Why are you so surprised?”
Billbert shrugged. “You just said you and your fellow witches brought me here, to Eureka. I don’t know why you would want to do that.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Sabrina asked. “You have something we want.”
Billbert shook his head. “Everything I had burned in the fire.”
Sabrina smiled. “Not everything.”
PLANET Z
“What’s that on your face?” said my doctor.
He took out a tissue and tried to wipe it off.
When your doctor doesn’t know what something is, you know you’re in trouble.
He took biopsies and made slides, but nothing about it made sense.
Referrals to experts and specialists amounted to nothing.
It didn’t get any bigger. Or smaller. Or deeper.
It stayed the same color, which was… well,,, I can’t describe it.
But it was there.
It resisted all measure of drugs.
Eventually, my doctor prescribed me some makeup to cover it up.
“That solves that,” he said.
When life hands you… potatoes?
When life hands you lemons…
Well, life didn’t hand me lemons.
Life handed me potatoes.
Am I supposed to squeeze them and make potatoade?
Hell no. That sounds gross, potatoade.
Nobody wants that.
Maybe I’ll load my potato gun and fire it at them, the people who gave me potatoes.
Maybe I’ll make a potato-powered clock.
And count down the time until the next person gives me potatoes.
Or just a big potato battery, wires and nails in a long chain.
And the next time someone comes to give me potatoes, I’ll wire it to the doorknob.
Come on in!
Carvolo’s Muse
The museum’s latest acquisition, Carvolo’s Muse, was a mechanical doll.
Porcelain and silver, covering a wooden frame with gears and wires and springs.
Sitting on a mahogany bench at a masterfully lacquered piano.
You could shave yourself in that mirror shine.
A copper disk turned, gliding across pegs in her heart that caused the springs in her fingers to play Moonlight Sonata.
When finished, she’d wink and give the hint of a smile.
And begin again.
Carvolo was said to have made other disks, but only Moonlight Sonata survives.
When the museum’s craftsman finishes restoring her, maybe he’ll make more.
Trust is trust
Trust is measured in the weight on your heart if you betray that trust.
Burdens that others cannot carry alone, and need to share the load with you.
And so, you do.
You can’t forget that they trusted you with what they entrusted to you.
because, when you remember what has been entrusted, but not that it’s in trust, you’ve let it fall.
And you’ve failed them. So, you can’t forget.
Over time, it all piles up, everything and everyone.
Do not collapse under that weight.
Take it to your grave.
Without letting it drive you to an early one.
Barbershop quartets in the day of COVID
People are clamoring for businesses to reopen.
Nail salons, restaurants, and barber shops.
I must admit that I’m one of them.
No, I’m not one of those spoiled people wanting their hair cut and styled.
I buzzcut my own hair at home every week.
It’s the barbershop quartets I miss.
Sure, I could watch YouTube videos of them.
Or Zoom meetups.
But it’s something you need live.
Online isn’t the same.
The problem is, the masks mess with the vocal quality.
Sure, you could keep the singers six feet apart, but that messes with the harmonics.
And the visual appeal.
Stormy whether
When the weather’s nice, I like to work from home.
The problem is, the weather is rarely nice.
Either it’s too humid and hot in the summer or too rainy and cold in what passes for a winter here.
I try to remember to push the patio chairs under the table’s umbrella to keep the cushions dry, but sometimes I forget.
Or the rain comes down at an angle.
I really ought to buy some covers for the chair cushions.
But I have a cover for my chaise lounger, and I never use it.
I’ll just buy a spare cushion.