Ferguson Fitts

Ferguson Fitts ran a four-minute mile.
The store was four minutes away, and Ferguson ordered something for pickup.
“I’ll be there in a minute!” Ferguson hollered into his phone, and he ran to the store.
A minute later, Ferguson was there.
“Thank you,” he said to the salesperson, handing him a dollar and grabbing a bag. “See you next time!”
Ferguson then ran home.
It took more than a minute, because he had a bag in his hand.
And after running a four-minute mile, Ferguson is a little winded and can’t run so fast.
And, man, he smells really bad.

Alabama vs Clemson

Someone came up with the bright idea to end the college football season with a playoff.
Four teams were invited to play against each other, and, in the end, it was Alabama playing Clemson.
Oh, sure there were other teams playing in bowl games, but all that really mattered was that final game.
The rest of it was just noise.
NFL scouts only watched Alabama and Clemson.
Teams only drafted Alabama and Clemson players.
Pretty soon, every other college gave up on football.
One game a year: Alabama and Clemson.
Which gave more time to enjoy college basketball’s March Madness.

On the shoulders of daddys

Tinny likes to cuddle with me.
It’s easy for her to cuddle with me when I’m lying down.
She walks on to my shoulder, curls up, and goes to sleep.
If I am sitting up, she’ll walk on to my lap and curl up on there.
But if I’m leaning forward while sitting up, she’ll walk on to my shoulders and sit on my back.
It’s not very comfortable for me, and I’m sure it’s not easy for her to maintain her balance.
But she tucks up and purrs, which means she’s happy, and that’s all that really matters, right?

The nudist

Every time I do laundry, I forget something.
Maybe I leave out a shirt or some underwear.
Or a stray sock or two.
Sometimes, I forget to put the towels in.
The washer starts, its door latches, and I’m stuck waiting for the next load.
Once, I had everything ready. I checked everything twice.
Nothing left out, nothing missing.
But I was out of detergent.
So, I went out to get detergent and came back.
I loaded the clothes, poured in detergent, and pushed the start button.
That’s when the power went out.
And that’s why I became a nudist.

Weekly Challenge #767 – PICK TWO the hand that feeds you, scope, dresser, pit stop, quip, knave

Toes

LIZZIE

“This is the hand that feeds you!”
The boys’ silence screamed horrors of pain and misery.
There was only one way out of this. They knew it.
That evening, while the police scoped the house, all three boys, aged 5, 8 and 14, sat outside. None of them spoke, not even the 5 year old. They knew nothing. The father had walked into the woods and had never returned.
An aunt came over. The police left.
The dresser had to go. The hidden compartment, they had found long ago, came in handy after all.
The body would never be found.

RICHARD

Out with the old…

I grabbed my keys off the dresser, skipped breakfast, and jumped in the car.

It was a new year, a new job and a new opportunity, and I wasn’t going to make a bad impression by being late on my first day, I could always make a quick pit stop and grab a coffee and a sandwich at my desk, once I’d settled in.

I certainly made an impression, but not the one I’d hoped for.

That was last January, and ever since, my boss has insisted everyone follows my ‘good example’ by turning up super early every single day.

SERENDIPIDY

They say, don’t bite the hand that feeds you, which if you’re my position doesn’t leave much scope nutritionally.

After all, if I’m not permitted a nibble of a hand, it stands to reason that gorging myself on an arm, leg, or juicy liver is certainly going to be frowned upon. That’s a slippery slope that I’ve no wish to descend.

Because who ever heard of a vegan cannibal?

Just the thought of subsisting on vegetables, and plant matter products -whatever those are- makes me feel sick!

Now please, hold still, and don’t scream when I light up the barbecue!

TOM

Stupid People often Say Stupid Things

“Never smear peanut butter on the hand that feeds you,” quipped Lennie. The scope and limit of his wit fell short in every regard. It was like the two lobs in his head were fighting for some unseen bag of French fries. Damn near everything he ever said was a mash-up of disconnected thoughts hell bent on disconnected outcomes. Once it was out of this mouth he could not care less if anyone took notices or questioned the motivation. Of course his Pop had left him a cold half a billion. So people were subject to nodding thoughtfully. I certainly was.

Attachments area

NORVAL JOE

The remaining assortment of superheroes crowded around the federal agents harrassing them with witty quips and insults, allowing Billbert’s and Linoliamanda’s families to escape.

Billbert laughed as they drove away from the hospital. “That’s an odd group of superheroes, Mom. How do you get anything done?”

His mother scowled. “You have to understand the scope of our mission. We’re not flashy like Superman or the Avengers. We stay out of the spotlight and fight crime and inequality in a more local and individual way.”

Billbert raised an eyebrow. “Is that why Nuclear Fission came all the way to our town?”

TURA

Knave; dresser
———
I start awake to discover a playing card— the knave of swords— nailed to the dresser with a dagger. The message is clear.

I raise a steel-braced arm as I whirl to deflect the intruder’s crossbow bolt into the wall behind me. Snatching up a sword, we engage in a storm of flashing steel. I pour everything into a lunge, which he parries, but my momentum overbears him onto the bed. As we wrestle, I inexorably force my dagger to his throat. “Yield!” I demand, and he finally nods, not quite reluctantly.

My turn to be the top this time.

JARED

“Juliette didn’t want to stop driving; she was making too good time. Her bladder was uncooperative. She saw the next exit had services and found the tiniest outpost of human encroachment on the deserted wastes of — she didn’t know if she was still in Texas, or had made that imperceptible transition into New Mexico. She hated making these runs. They were too long, and she didn’t even know what they accomplished. But, she was again reminded that ‘the scope of [her] employment does not extend to the enterprise’s transactions’. But she also knew not to bit the hand that feeds.”

PLANET Z

You would think that the Truck Stop Preacher was the Truck Stop Killer.
I mean, everywhere the Preacher showed up, a waitress wound up dead.
A waitress that had served the Preacher.
Grilled cheese sandwich, black coffee, and a five dollar tip.
Every body found had a bloody five in her mouth.
But there was no evidence. No witnesses.
No fingerprints, DNA, nothing at all.
Just a coincidence, a solid pattern.
It wasn’t enough for the police to hold him.
Truck stops won’t serve the Preacher now.
“Go use the vending machine,” the waitresses say.
And nobody’s been killed since.

Never let

Professor Blaine liked to say “Never let a Tuesday go to waste.”
He died on a Sunday, right after church.
On Monday, the teaching assistant canceled class, and students from all over campus spent the hour remembering the professor.
“I have the professor’s notes,” said the assistant. “We’ll have class tomorrow.”
But it wasn’t the assistant who taught us.
It was Blaine himself.
“Never let a Tuesday go to waste,” mumbled his corpse.
Campus police showed up and evacuated us from the lecture hall.
Wednesday morning, Blaine was dead again.
Administration moved the class’s schedule to Mondays,Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Hold it

Looking back, losing seventy-five pounds was actually easy.
I walked a lot.
Stores that are less than a mile away, I walked to.
I ate less, and I only ate what was good for me.
I stopped buying bad stuff so it wouldn’t be around to tempt me.
Walking to the store means I can carry less, so I can’t carry heavy canned bad stuff.
Or bottles.
I no longer drank my calories. Only water and tea for me.
And the pounds vanished one after another.
The hard part is not losing, but knowing how to stop and hold it.

To The Shake Shack

I’ve never had a shake from Shake Shack.
I’ve had a Shake Shack burger. And Shake Shack fries.
But never a Shake Shack shake.
So, I went to the Shake Shack and asked for a Shake Shack shake.
Just a shake? Shake Shack asked, thinking it was a mistake.
Just a shake. I said. That’s all I can take.
The shake took Shake Shack seven minutes to make.
I don’t like to wait. But the shake was great.
But, sadly.
Seven hundred and fifty calories of shake.
I’m glad I walked to the Shake Shack, to walk off this shake.

Little Ricky

My name is Ricky these days.
People used to call me Rick. And Richard.
But now, they call me Ricky.
Some people still call me Rick. People who knew me back in school.
And the people who call me Richard, well, they’re reading my name from a form or a computer.
It’s the ones who call me Ricky that I listen to.
They used to call me Little Ricky.
But I got bigger, and I met another guy who called himself Little Ricky.
I was bigger than him, so I let him take the name Little Ricky, and I’m Ricky.

Lost breast

While Hugo was walking around the library, he came across a breast.
He picked it up and turned it over in his hands.
It was an ordinary ball of flesh, supple, yet firm.
About a C cup, he figured.
Maybe he should ask the librarian to make an announcement.
Or would that be too embarrassing?
Perhaps just drop it in the Lost and Found.
Its owner could pick it up when they realized it was gone.
But then, what if someone took it?
He put it back on the floor and walked away.
Let someone else deal with the thing.