If it takes a village to raise a child, then it stands to reason that it takes a village to murder a child.
So, when Holly Smith was found dead in Elmwood Park, the sheriff arrested entire village of Elmwood.
Then, he arrested himself. Because he was the sheriff of Elmwood, and just as guilty of Holly Smith’s murder.
The county coroner (who lived in Elmwood) said that it was too soon to call it murder.
“I haven’t even looked at the body yet,” he said.
Except when I murdered that poor, sweet child, he thought.
As every murderer thought.
Letterman
Letterman’s last show was last night.
I hadn’t watched Letterman’s show in years.
I used to watch him.
I was only eleven, my bedtime was before his show aired, and we were in the Eastern time zone.
But we had a VCR. One of those JVCs with the bright colored buttons.
We’d tape it and watch the next day.
Or on the weekend.
Carson outgrew interesting people and went all Hollywood.
Letterman hadn’t sold out yet.
Brother Theodore. Stupid Pet Tricks.
Andy Kauffman.
No, he didn’t get The Tonight Show.
He just corrupted himself into one.
Why bother watching anymore?
Broadway Funeral
Ashley Blake was the greatest Broadway actress in history.
She won more Tony awards and sold out more shows than anyone.
So, when she died, her funeral was scheduled for her favorite theater.
There were so many mourners and well-wishers, she was there the whole week.
And they sold out those screenings that they do of Broadway shows at the movie theater.
The producer ran two shows a day. Still, the lines went around the block.
A touring company was formed. The corpse of Ashley’s longtime understudy went on the road.
I hope that they might do a film adaptation.
Weekly Challenge #589 – LOOT
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
TOM
The Secret Langue of Beggars and Thieves
Honor amongst thieves. How exactly dose that work? How do you insure the loot arrives intact? Doc made this all work like clockwork with one simple proviso. His son Jimmy Two Fingers. Pretty much an excellent optic. As said worked like a champ for a decade. Then one day Doc noted a two ton crane had been parked at the meet-up “Jimmy what’s with the crane?” “Pay back Dad.” The crane release its load, promptly buried Doc under 1000 pounds of silver bars. “Here’s the loot dad.” No one was about to cross Jimmy. They just divide up the loot
JON
The Athenian Women
By
Jon DeCles
Loot was very well and good, as it contributed to luxury. But Athenian women were not about to give up the greatest luxury: power.
They certainly didn’t want men tromping about in the women’s quarters: and just let those Spartan trollops try and take away the himataeon that veiled one from the weather: warm in winter, shady in summer, preventing (long experience taught) that nasty sun blemish that could kill you so horribly.
Let some hetaera suffer the men babbling their philosophical nonsense over dinner! Let Athenian men tremble at what frightening mysteries their women concocted!
There must be War!
LIZZIE
The dark entrance to the tunnel was dimly lit. It was tempting to rush in, grab whatever he could and rush out. On the other hand, the dragon had parked himself in there. He took a deep breath and walked in.
The next greedy bastard found him bored out of his wits in a small cage. Apparently, the dragon had a terrible sense of humor and didn’t believe he was just visiting.
The real problem was that the cage got considerably cramped with the new arrival.
He didn’t even want to think what would happen if anyone else showed up.
JEFFREY
The Take
by Jeffrey Fischer
The loot was all I could think of. When the cops busted me, during my arraignment, throughout my trial – I wanted the loot. I *obsessed* over it. Piles of cash, handfuls of bearer bonds, pieces of jewelry. Mine.
My sentence was a long one. I can’t say I didn’t deserve it, but no way was I staying inside a minute longer than I had to. I was a good boy and got the max time off. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on what was mine.
At last I was free. I made a dash for the loot – and found my hiding place empty. In my mind, I heard the mocking laugh of my bastard lawyer. I should never have told him the truth.
RICHARD
#1 -Reunion
Boggins sat sadly in the corner of the bar, a glass of tapwater in his hand.
He couldn’t believe that after surviving encounters with dragons, trolls, and all the other trials he’d been through, he’d nothing to show for his adventures. Not even a beer!
A familiar voice interrupted his reverie…
“Well, if it isn’t Mr Boggins, alive and well and as miserable as ever!”
It was the wizard.
“The last I heard of you, you were dragon food, yet here you are, and surely you didn’t escape empty handed?”
Boggins sadly shook his head;
“Nope, no loot at all”.
#2 – Re-enactment
I needed to get out more and meet people, so I joined one of those Viking reenactment groups.
I hadn’t realised how serious these people are! Step out of line by wearing modern fibres or speaking out of character and the penalties can be pretty severe.
I know this from bitter experience, and it’s not pleasant being on the receiving end of one of those warhammers.
They caught me using a mobile phone at an event.
This weekend, it’s ‘loot, rape and pillage day’ – and I’ve a horrible feeling I’ve been put down to experience some authentic Viking rape!
CHARLIE
Hamlin Hummingshorts was flush with loot at the pawnshop. His associates thought of him as the prince of tossers, but he managed to serve them and they made a lot of money off the goods Hamlin fenced.
Today he passed a payment to the counter person at the Domino’s Pizza next door. He wrapped the bills inside a wad of celery stalks and passed it on, saying: “This is refreshing, Barbara, much better for you than grazing on raw pizza dough.”
Hamlin was busted soon thereafter, as a pizza patron’s spidey sense fired off and he alerted his detective friend.
EMILY ANN
Blood-stained Carpet
By Emily Ann
The 3 a.m. darkness was lit by a flickering porch light. Stinking of smoke and whisky she stumbled into apartment forty-seven. Alone again. Her eyes filled with angry tears. She undressed. Cursing the repetitive payback for choices she desperately tried to escape. A shadowy figure crept closer, until the cold knife blade felt the flesh of her throat. The dark figure whispered of his plans for her. She wept. Blood stained the carpet. He stood over her – vindicated. Blurry eyed, she watched as he left with her soul. Suffering no more.
TURA
(Editor’s Note: I love it when things take on new life… glad you had fun with George, and here’s to more madness!)
Loot
———
Nancy was a pirate, and she was a very good pirate. When George joined her ship, she had him keelhauled the very first day. But she kept him on, to make the rest of the crew shine like gold doubloons against the example of George’s tarnished penny.
She was such a good pirate, that when she was thirty, she had enough loot to retire to the life of a wealthy gentlewoman in a prosperous town on the Barbary Coast. For recreation, she wrote stories of George the Pirate (who wasn’t a very good pirate), and published them under a pseudonym.
———
When President Trump only narrowly won re-election, he was furious. “Fake votes! Maybe Putin could help throw them out?” he thundered on Twitter. He introduced three great new bills, the greatest bills ever, to fix matters.
The Limitation Of Outstanding Taxes act annulled all tax obligations on the President, applied retroactively. The Presidential Immunity Liquidating Legal Assault on General Enterprise act gave him the power to block legal action against any business that was being unfairly targetted, especially his own.
Finally, the Republicans Against Presidential Elections act ensured that never again would President Trump have to face such a crisis.
SERENDIPITY
You loot, I shoot!
That’s the sign I put on the security fence, and believe me, I intend enforcing it.
Since the breakdown of society, it’s everyone for themselves; and those who possess valuable commodities in demand, take whatever steps are necessary to protect them.
Hence the sign.
And I’m pretty sure that few will take the risk, because the commodity in my care clearly gives me the upper hand.
You see, you may have all the weapons in the world, but without ammunition, they’re practically useless…
And guess who has all the ammo!
And I always, shoot to kill!
NORVAL JOE
Chuckie stood outside Angelica’s door in a cold sweat. He would rather face Reptaar bare handed. The girl was going to tear him to pieces.
He took the loot sack from his shoulder and hefted it to guage its weight. Not a good haul today. Much less than Angelica expected.
Both Phil and Lil had given him lame excuses about their mother switching all of their snacks to raw vegetables. Tommy said he was cleaned out, but Chucky was sure he was holding back something in his diaper.
Whoever said taking candy from babies was easy, didn’t know these babies.
PLANET Z
After the hurricane, most of the flooded out residents fled to public shelters.
Others looted stores for food and survival supplies.
Then, there were the thieves who filled plastic bins with small electronics and floated them to a waiting pickup truck.
When the gangs went for houses, that’s when things got ugly.
The lights were off, but someone was home.
With a loaded shotgun.
“The first guy took my shotgun, the second guy took my Smith and Wesson,” said the homeowner. “They had an argument.”
The cops wrote it off.
And handed back the guns, to ruin any remaining evidence.
Last Wishes
When the judge asked Fred how he wanted to be executed, he said that he wanted a firing squad.
“But instead of a last cigarette, I’d like one of those e-cigarettes,” he said. “Vaping is much healthier than standard cigarettes.”
Then he asked for a virtual reality headset. “A blindfold shows you nothing. So, in my imagination, I’ll see a firing squad. I want to see something else.”
So, on that fateful day, they gave him his e-cigarette, and they gave him his VR gear.
They turned on the headset and showed him a beautiful meadow.
With a gallows platform.
Two Cats
We have two cats.
A black one and a white calico.
We let them out at night and on the weekends.
But we bring them back in when it’s time for bed.
Sometimes, they don’t want to come back in, and we have to hunt them down.
You’d think it would he hard to find the black one, but she’s easy to find.
She jumps out of the bushes and follows us with her tail held high.
It’s the white calico who’s the problem child.
She naps on neighbors’ patios, or goes exploring.
But eventually, she comes home to eat.
Drive-in
Rain at the drive-in.
The forcecast calls for hail.
Wind blows over the screen.
Corrugated metal and wood struts, fallen into a twisted heap.
Shut down for the season because of the snow.
Mosquitos. Lost children.
What’s with that clown in the fun park anyway?
Daylight savings time.
That double feature keeps you out until one or two.
Have fun driving home when you’re that tired.
Car hits a bump, and your friend in the trunk breaks his arm.
A bulb goes out, and they have to switch reels on one projector.
All, just to get that one first kiss.
Imaginary
I murdered my imaginary friend.
I dropped the imaginary knife, picked up my imaginary phone, and called the imaginary police.
They locked my hands in imaginary handcuffs, put me in the back of an imaginary police car, and drove me to an imaginary police station.
There, I was interrogated by imaginary detectives, and charged with imaginary murder.
An imaginary lawyer came to advise me. I made imaginary bail, and awaited imaginary trial before an imaginary judge and jury.
The imaginary prosecutor made the case with imaginary witnesses and experts.
Including my imaginary friend! Who isn’t dead at all!
Not guilty!
Starbucks Dragon
Instead of cash bonuses, I get Starbucks cards.
I don’t go to Starbucks, so I give the cards away.
They thank me, but don’t tell me that they don’t go to Starbucks either.
In fact, nobody does. Nobody goes to Starbucks anymore.
They go to the website, and load up their cards, and then give them away as gifts.
Pretty soon, all of the world’s wealth will be tied up in Starbucks cards.
And somewhere, sitting on top of a pile of cards, is Starbucks the Dragon.
Guarding its precious hoard, sleeping with one eye open.
Because of the caffeine.
Dialysis
Back in the day, dialysis was done at the hospital, and it was a boring and awful experience.
Laying on a bench in a dark room with nothing to do for hours.
If you were lucky, you could read. Or listen to headphones.
Now, dialysis centers have internet and TV and comfortable recliners.
Some of them give neck messages. Or manicures and pedicures.
You can get your hair done, too.
Around Tax Season, they bring in people to help you prepare your taxes.
I know one place that gives hand jobs and blow jobs.
But insurance plans don’t cover that.