Every morning, Frankie dumped out of bags of chicken parts into a metal drum, poured in special seasoning, and ran it for 20 minutes.
Dumping out the chicken into a bin to sit overnight in the walk-in cooler.
Then, yesterday’s batch went into the fryer.
Cooked and ready, the register girl bagged up the orders for sale.
One day, the special seasoning seemed a bit off.
It had green glowing crystals in it.
Frankie used it anyway.
But when he opened the drum, well, what came out… wasn’t chicken.
Pulling the screaming Frankie back into the cooler, shutting the door.
All sales
Cursed paintings. Cursed furniture. Cursed dinnerware.
Whether you’re selling or buying, Seraph-Minton is the auction house you’re looking for.
Our team of lawyers, priests, and assessors are always available for consultation.
Discrete arrangements, secure facilities, unequaled expertise in handling and shipping.
And, of course, reasonable commissions.
Seraph-Minton can turn your family’s shameful secret burden into cold hard cash.
No matter what the curse, there is always an interested party for it.
And through an arrangement with the Transylvania Historical Society, most governments offer generous tax breaks for charitable contributions to their extensive collections.
And, of course, all sales are final.
Weekly Challenge #860: Thumbs Up
LISA
Me Gusta
When my daughter did Spanish GCSE we started watching films in Spanish to help her get used to the language. I don’t speak Spanish so relied on Subtitles. For her A Levels we went a step further and changed the language on Netflix to Spanish… all of it. I mostly left her in charge of the remote control.
She’s just left for Manchester University, to study linguistics and Spanish. We forgot to change the telly back though. It’s OK although my Spanish hasn’t improved there’s pictures and symbols like home and thumbs up you know. Anyway I kinda like it.
RICHARD
Well-thumbed
Let’s have a big thumbs up for the opposable thumb!
That marvellous evolutionary miracle which has allowed us to create tools, develop the written word, and made using chopsticks so much less fiddly than it would otherwise have been.
Just imagine if evolution had decided to follow an entirely different direction?
What if we had no thumbs at all? Or, even worse, opposable toes?
We’d all be walking on our hands, eating meals with our feet, and sock design would have followed a wholly different path.
Thankfully it didn’t, because I’m not sure I’m ready for a foot-focussed society!
LIZZIE
Thumbs up to the guitar player and his song and his hair and his boots and his eyes, contacts, and… No, this doesn’t work. She stretched. The damn guitar was more interesting than everything else put together, and it wasn’t even a nice guitar. Why did she have to praise the guy and pretend the whole concert had been amazing? No. She was going to be honest, brutally honest if need be. She opened a new message. “Thumbs up to the guitar player and the song and the hair, wow! And the boots, nice!” She sighed. Yup. Perhaps next time.
SERENDIPIDY
How are you doing so far?
You see, I’ve been getting something of a bad press lately. A lot of talk about how they’ve found signs of torture when they discover the bodies.
Personally, I think they’re focussing on the wrong thing; after all, surely they should be more concerned about the killings?
However, I feel I have a duty to give the public what they want.
So, if you’re feeling OK, can you give me a thumbs up?
And, I’ll just go ahead and slip the thumbscrews on!
You will scream if I tighten them too much, won’t you?
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina rolled her eyes and gave Linoliamanda the thumbs up, and said, “Yeah. Sure. We all know that Billbert can fly. Now, tell us the real reason you followed him all the way to Eureka.”
Linoliamanda showed spunk Billbert had never seen before when she folded her arms, glared at Sabrina, and said, “I don’t have to tell you anything.”
Sabrina sniffed. “You do if you want to be anywhere near Billbert. My coven just devined that there is a plot to capture Billbert and use him for their devices. It’s convenient you suddenly show up at the same time.”
PLANET Z
Every time an Astros pitcher strikes out a batter, the gigantic Minute Maid Park scoreboard plays an animation of a cartoon astronaut planting a flag with the number of K’s.
And then something weird happens…
Falling into a wormhole.
Falling into a crater.
But after every horrible thing, he gives a thumbs up to show he’s okay.
When they first started showing the cartoon astronaut animations, he didn’t give a thumbs up afterwards.
But I guess it was too scary for kids, so they added the thumbs up to show he’s okay.
Still, he’s probably shit his space suit pants.
Salem’s bloodlines
Witch powers run through family bloodlines.
But if a witch isn’t trained before she’s thirteen, she loses her powers forever.
Emily was trained by her mother, the Queen Witch, but over the years all she ever wanted to do was be normal.
She didn’t want her daughter Susan to become a witch, so Susan ran off to her grandmother’s house to learn.
The Queen Witch tried to teach her, but nothing worked.
Spells. Potions. Riding a broom.
Defeated, Susan came back home.
“I lied about your age,” said Emily. “You’re actually fourteen.”
And that’s how the magic died in Salem.
Becky
Becky lost her arm when she was six.
The Media Lab used 3D printing, nanoactuators, and an AI control system to construct a prosthesis.
A neural interface passed motor and sensory impulses.
She could feel its fingers, brushing on her face.
Strange… a little twitch?
“Just a calibration,” said the doctor. “Nothing else.”
The arm adapted to her needs, anticipating.
As she grew older, the Lab built new frames to fit, using the original AI system.
Until one day a researcher suggested a newer AI.
The arm tore out his throat.
In blood on the table it wrote “She’s mine.”
I’ve met
I’ve met the Grim Reaper.
And, as you clearly see, I’ve lived to talk about it.
The first time, he looked at me, collected a soul, and moved on.
The second time, he looked at me, did a double-take, and did his usual business.
Then came the respectful nods. The handshakes. The smalltalk.
Then, after about twenty times, he put his bony hand on my shoulder, and said “I see a lot of folks in your line of work, and I’m impressed at your skill. You never leave any witnesses. I’ll see you next time.”
Quiet in here, isn’t it?
For the good of the species
Freddy believed that he had to sacrifice his life for the benefit of mankind.
But committing suicide is a mortal sin, and he’d be condemned forever for it.
He tried suicide-by-cop, but as hard as he tried to get shot and killed, he was either tased or clubbed into submission.
And his sentence wasn’t a death sentence. He got ten years.
Running for the electrified fences would be suicide.
So, he’d try to rile up other prisoners to kill him.
After some savage beatings, the prisoners tended to leave Freddy alone.
And he sat there in his cell, utterly morose.
Candy bowl
For Halloween, Brian bought a box of Pixie Stix.
Then he opened the tubes up, poured out a bit of the sugar candy, and added poison to each.
Then he sealed them back up and put them in the beggar bowl.
On Halloween Night, the emergency lines lit up.
Kids were dying from the poisoned candy.
It didn’t take long to figure out it was the Pixie Stix, and some kids remembered where they got them.
From Brian’s neighbor. He’d put them in their bowl.
His bowl had Snickers.
But he didn’t count on their Ring doorbell camera filming him.
Escape from the church
I was looking for meaning, so I joined The Church.
I wish I hadn’t.
A church? More like… a cult.
A horrible, horrible cult.
The things I saw… the things that were done to me…
I can’t tell you. I’m so ashamed.
So, I escaped. I ran.
And they found me.
The others who had escaped.
And they took me in.
They helped me.
So, I stayed with them.
I wish I hadn’t.
A survivor’s group? More like… a cult.
The things I saw… the things that were done to me.
So, I escaped. I ran.
Back to The Church.
Weekly Challenge #859: The Speediest
LISA
The Hair and the Tortoise
I’ve got a three year old, it makes me not question anything… like yesterday I went into the bathroom and they’ve hacked their own hair off then glued it to the toilet seat next to our pet tortoise, Rex.
Anyway, I started trying to pick the hair off and predictably Rex slipped in. Toddler then runs over and pulls the flush. And Rex has gone, like completely GONE. I know I should’ve taken Rex off first, but I don’t like touching Rex. Didn’t like touching Rex. The hairy glue won’t come of the toilet seat either. Fuck my actual life.
An old postcard
LIZZIE
“Grab your passport and run.” Good advice from the boss.
When his underboss took me to the airplane, I looked unsure. I was the only passenger and I seemed frightened. He nodded. I grabbed my notepad and showed him my notes. “I’m just a journalist.” He nodded some more.
When he grabbed his gun, I smiled. He was confused. I clicked the button and the plane exploded, underboss included.
I’m not sure why I needed the passport, but who am I to question the boss. After all, whatever he decided was the speediest way of getting your life significantly shortened.
RICHARD
Edward
Edward wasn’t the speediest runner in the world. To be fair to him, tortoises aren’t generally regarded as sprinters, but that never stopped him from competing – he was stubborn like that.
Of course, people laughed at him, but he didn’t care, for him it was all about the taking part, not the winning.
Although, winning – now and again – would be nice.
Edward wasn’t nice.
Which is how he came to be grinding up drugs into the hare’s energy drink on race day.
Didn’t work though.
If you’re going to try doping your opponents, speed isn’t the best drug of choice!
SERENDIPIDY
The famous hangman, Albert Pierrepoint, was renowned for the rapidity with which he despatched his clients. The speedier the execution, the better the outcome; at least, that was his approach.
It’s not for me.
I want to see you dangling and choking, your body twitching, whilst your breath wheezes painfully as the noose slowly constricts.
Not for me, the quick snap of the neck, as you drop from the optimum height. Instead, I’ll haul you into position, your own body weight throttling the life from you as you’re eased up from the floor.
You’ll still die.
But, slowly and painfully.
NORVAL JOE
If Sabrina’s outright lie offended Linoliamanda, she didn’t show it, and rejoined Billbert and the witch, following them to class.
Uncomfortable with Sabrina’s deception, Billbert tried to lighten the situation by asking, “What are you doing in Eureka, Linoliamanda?”
She smiled. “Daddy wanted to open a new location of Carpet King.” In the speediest change of subject Billbert had ever seen, Linoliamnda continued, “Sabrina. You know Billbert can fly, don’t you?”
Sabrina shrugged. “I know when we touch our magic makes us levitate, but I wouldn’t call it flying.”
Linoliamanda shook her head. “It’s not magic. He can really fly.”
PLANET Z
The secret police are everywhere.
They are behind every door and every wall.
They are upstairs, listening to the floor.
They are downstairs, listening to the ceiling.
They are at every window, looking in and watching.
If you ask them if they are the secret police, they will deny it.
They will claim to be neighbors, deliverymen, plumbers, and pretty much everything but the secret police.
“I’m dressed as a policeman,” says one. “That’s silly, isn’t it, being the secret police and dressed like police?”
He’s right. It is silly.
And he nods and speaks into his cuff: “All clear.”