Weekly Challenge #998 – You stink!

The next topic is webcam

LISA

Trolling Trolling Trolling
After adding a filter Sherry uploaded the photo and waited for the influx of comments and messages. She believed everything horrible posted; it was only a fresh flurry of negativity that washed the first lot away.
She counted the negative comments as they came in. Already they were up to 25 in just three minutes. As usual, she hovered over Delete Post.
Then a comment popped up “YOU STINK!”
She laughed. Knowing she HAD forgotten deodorant that morning. But how would they know? And did it matter?
It didn’t. She felt she’d turned a corner and posted happily ever after.
Thanks for organising… Hope you well

RICHARD

— Fragrant —
I could see immediately that something wasn’t quite right. It was the grimace and the way she screwed up her nose in disgust that gave it away.
“Is there something wrong” I asked, gingerly.
Frowning, she responded “I don’t quite know how to tell you this, but, honestly, you stink!”
Well, I’d say she knew exactly how to tell me what was on her mind!
“I’m sorry, it’s my job. The chemicals I have to work with…” my voice tailed off in resignation.
“No, it’s not that. It’s that bloody aftershave that you always insist on wearing. It’s absolutely foul!”

LIZZIE

You stink. Give me your clothes. I’ll wash them. Why not? You can’t stay here if you stink. You’re going to stink up the whole place. Give them to me. Hurry up. I don’t have all day to deal with this. Well, you’re going to put something else on, of course. What do you mean? Where are all your clothes, then? You what?! Why would you do that? Because it’s crazy. Now, you have no clothes. Give me your clothes right now. What are you doing? No, no. Ok, keep them on, just don’t…
A scream and some laughter ensued.

SERENDIPIDY

Here’s the problem with being one of the undead. One you’ll never read about in books, or see in the movies, although it should be obvious, really.
The fact of the matter is that you stink.
All that rotting flesh, decay, and hanging around in crypts and graveyards has a fairly predictable outcome.
Then, there’s our diets, and what follows from feasting on large quantities of protein and blood.
As for personal hygiene… When did you ever hear of a vampire or zombie taking a nice, long, hot shower?
You may not hear us coming, but you’ll definitely smell us!

TOM

Reset

To preform is too fail. A near infinite gathering of uncontrollable factors can bring your magic trick to its knees, if your trick had actually knees. While in the current polite culture we live, we aren’t likely to hurl vegetables at a magician. All the same one should not discount the possibility one strongly opinionated person might offer the following insightful review of your work: you suck. It hurts no less if it just lingers in their eyes. I can take solace is a story told by Jim Cary when a guy from the audience tossed a piss soaked towel in his face. Now that active suckiness.

NORVAL JOE

The cops lifted the intruder. Harry made a face. “Dang, buddy. You stink.” And they dragged him out the door.

“What did that guy want?” Billbert asked.

His mother watched out the window as the police drove away. “He wanted to know where Sabrina is.”

“He was wasting his time.” Billbert shrugged. “We don’t know where she is.”

“Not exactly,” Mr. Weinerheimer raised his eyebrows at his wife.

His wife nodded. “A clairvoyant from work found her in a house near Highland Avenue and Nevada Street and said she’s safe.” Before Billbert could move, she added, “It’s late. Go to bed.”

PLANET Z

Clarence fell out of a tree and broke his leg when he was seven. He was in a cast for a few months. Still, he wanted to go outside and play with his friends, even though he was on crutches. He ended up all dirty and muddy and scratched up every day, his mother had to hose him off outside. Dirt would still get inside the cast, and they had to replace it twice to keep his skin from petrifying. The day the cast came off, he tried to get up the tree again and fell and broke his other leg.

George the Scout

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The ship’s captain sent George out on a lot of “scouting missions.”
Which were really just to get rid of the accident-prone George.
George would wander the place around for several days, looking for treasure, but he always ended up finding trouble.
Even though it was a huge relief to the crew not to have George on board and screwing things up.
Eventually, George would return, chased by an angry mob.
“Pull the gangplank and raise anchor!” shouted the captain, hoping to escape before George got back on board.

George memorials

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He has no gravesite.
No, he wasn’t buried at sea.
His body was burned, and the ashes scattered.
That way, there would not be a grave for his followers to revere.
Over the years, many memorials to George have been built.
Piles of flowers, greeting cards, and stuffed teddy bears.
Cheap candles in cheap tin holders.
And the authorities have torn them all down.
Shadowy figures meet in dark alleys.
Exchanging secret handshakes, speaking secret passwords.
They whisper praise to George.
The pirate, who wasn’t a very good pirate.

George the good pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was good to animals, though.
He didn’t eat meat, and avoided products that exploited animals, such as milk or cheese.
His clothes were all natural fibers like hemp, not leather.
When he wasn’t out at sea, he volunteered at a sanctuary for parrots that had been rescued from cruel pirates.
Rehabilitating as many as he could back into the wild, while caring for those who were too injured or domesticated to go back to their natural habitat.
“George is a good pirate!” sang the chorus of happy birds.

George stares

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He seemed distracted, looking out over the rail and staring at… nothing.
Only George knew what he was looking at… the memory of a beautiful woman, walking naked on the beach.
But he said nothing. He just stared.
So, the rest of the crew looked out over the rail and stared.
Nobody noticed the British Navy frigate closing in from the other side.
However, as they approached, they saw the pirates all staring, and they too stared that way..
No shots were fired, and the ships slowly drifted apart.

George on CNN

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
CNN’s Jeanne Moos did a profile on George, but made him out to be a complete assclown of a pirate.
George was furious.
“I do not fall overboard that often,” he growled. “And I only dropped my cutlass twice.”
He filed a complaint, which the network ignored.
So, George took a CNN crew hostage and demanded a ransom and retraction.
“Go ahead, kill them,” said the CNN executives. “They’re worthless.”
George posted their callous response on Facebook.
And the executives complained how unethical George was for exposing their inhumanity.

George pirate qualities

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Write a list of all the things that come to mind when you think of the word pirate.
George is none of those. Not a single one of them.
Unless, of course, you are crazy.
Then, I’m sure George will be a few of the things on your list.
So will a cockroach, a bowl potato salad, the Planet Neptune, and the smell of freshly-washed bedsheets.
Yes, you can read more George stories.
Would you like to draw me a picture of George?
Okay. Here’s a crayon. Go ahead.

Weekly Challenge #997 – Pack

The next topic is You stink!

LISA

We’d just gone out for some smokes. That was all. It’s not like there’s much else to do when the powers out is there? It was a hot day – tempers had been frayed. Then the air con stopped working. Alarms started beeping down the street. I tried a light switch and nothing!
They called us animals in court. Like we’d hunted in a pack. Scapegoats is what we were. They were making an example of us. I mean, the door was open. I left the cash on the counter. It’s hardly my fault if some looter took it is it?

RICHARD

— Dead Man’s Hand —
Dad always won at poker.
It didn’t matter, we only played for pennies, the only thing at stake was pride. Still, it would have been nice to win more than once in a while.
It was his thing though, and we spent many an evening happily playing cards and enjoying a bottle of bourbon.
He’s been gone a while now, and I miss those evenings together.
I found his old pack of cards whilst clearing out some boxes, so I invited the boys round for a game.
Now we know how he always won.
Sixty three cards in the pack!

LIZZIE

He packed a bag and grabbed the jeep. It’s urgent, they said. And off he went. The terrain was rugged, the whole trip a disaster. A flat tire. The jeep started leaking oil. When it finally died, he was stranded in the middle of nowhere. What now? That’s when they appeared. He had never seen them, their faces painted, their hair braided with long strings of many colors. They didn’t talk, but he could hear them. Need help? He nodded. When he woke up, he got dressed, packed a bag and grabbed the jeep. He wondered. Where would they be?

SERENDIPIDY

I was raised by a pack of wolves; abandoned in the forest, left to fend for myself, they found me, nurtured me and kept me safe.
I learned their ways, lived as one of them, earned their respect and their loyalty.
And now I am the alpha.
I am in control, and they obey me, protect me, with their very lives if necessary.
And tonight, we hunt.
Do you hear the chill howls as we approach?
Do you see the red glow of our eyes?
The snapping and flash of our teeth?
And, when you cry wolf.
No-one will hear.

TOM

52!

For five years I have traveled everywhere with packs of cards. Waiting for open heart surgery, In church during church. At tables to dinner at tables to vote. I have created a number of pack tricks which I call the COVID Collection. I going to present my best full pack trick this Tuesday in Oakland for the 100-year meeting of the oldest magic club West of the Mississippi. The pack produces four Royal Flushes in a row. Then four Straight Flushes. It’s called Primo Vi-gintillion. Still working on story to frame the impossible. Got the how, lookn for the why.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s dad quickly tied up the unconscious intruder and called the police.

When they arrived, Mr. Withybottom told the officer, “He said he was looking for Sabrina Hecksaohos.”

The officer gave Billbert and Mandy the side eye. “I know you two. You claimed your butler was poisoning someone.”

Mandy scowled at him. “John did poison my dad and he just tried to kidnap us in front of the police station.”

The cop laughed. “We found that guy wandering around and waving a gun.” He turned to his partner. “Harry. Pack up this perp and let’s go talk to the butler.”

PLANET Z

Every year I buy a new hurricane preparedness pack with several weeks of dehydrated meals. I donate the old one too the local food pantry. Lots of other people do this, so the county is up to the rafters with dehydrated, eggs, and chicken cacciatore. The water purification tablets have a much longer shelf life, but sometimes I forget and leave those in the packs and have to buy new ones of those too. Does bottled water expire? I don’t know. I’ve seen a few cases of those at the food pantry, so maybe I should donate those as well.

George the king of comedy

… and that’s 20 years.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“You’re the Jerry Lewis of pirates,” grumbled his exasperated captain.
The rest of the crew laughed.
Except for Frenchy, who said that George was no Jerry Lewis.
George looked up Jerry Lewis in the encyclopedia and learned about a technique called “video assist.”
Directors could watch instant reviews of shots instead of waiting for the crew to develop and print the daily footage.
George tried it with his performance
But he still kept falling overboard, but now with the expensive equipment.
Frenchy roared with laughter. “You ARE Jerry Lewis!”

George and the groupies

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
To pirate groupies, he was pirate enough.
Oh, you’ve seen them, there at the taverns and bars, hanging out at the docks.
The beer might be free, but the price you pay is an STD, or even worse, a long-term relationship.
Pirates who settle down just aren’t the same.
They can’t just go out on adventures and looting and pillaging, no matter how much they want to.
They’ve got familiars, mortgages, bills to pay.
Which makes the urge to get back to the open sea all the much stronger.