Little Red Riding Hood hated her grandmother.
The old bat insisted on living in a remote cottage in the woods instead of moving into a retirement home.
Forcing her granddaughter to bring meals every day, bring medicine, do chores, and so on.
“I need to go to school,” said Red.
But her mother would hear nothing of it, smacking her daughter and sending her to the woods.
“I can help you with your problem,” said The Big Bad Wolf.
Red agreed, and the Wolf ate the grandmother.
“Oh thank God,” said Red. “Thank you.”
And then, the Woodsman showed up.
Author: R.
811
You’re supposed to call 811 before you do any digging.
That way, you can avoid hitting buried cables, or water mains, or gas lines.
Ted didn’t call before he dug a hole.
But he didn’t hit any power lines or pipes.
Instead, he uncovered an ancient stone stairway that went down beyond the range of his cell phone’s built-in light.
Strange whispers drifted up from the depths.
When Ted called 811, the city sent out a team of priests and a goat to sacrifice.
“If we’re not back in an hour, cover the hole,” they said, and descended the stairs.
Shelley
Shelley was a great actress.
One of the greatest.
Winning awards, and losing jealous actor husbands over them.
She packed on a lot of weight to play a role, won an award for it, and then found she couldn’t shed those pounds.
Leading roles for older fat women doesn’t exist, so she dove into supporting characters and made them her own.
Cranky, bossy, and always funny.
Never holding back.
And winning more awards.
A heart attack left her bedridden.
Where she watched her old movies and many appearances on chatshows.
Sipping her water, smiling, and remembering the good old days.
Food Truck
If you can’t afford to rent a building to start your restaurant, you can always buy a used food truck and outfit it for your concept.
Park in a good spot, get cooking, and people will come to you.
If you’re really good, businesses will invite you to their private parking lots for a food truck day for their employees.
A bankrupt mall came up with an idea to turn its parking lot into an open air food court.
Rows and rows of food trucks.
But they left no space for customer parking. Or seating.
And it rained a lot.
Weekly Challenge #836: PICK TWO Godzilla, The sweet smell of success, Proposal, Sentence, Trust, Twist
LISA
It was 1967 the smell of Evening in Paris hung heavy in the air. Brenda was twisting for all she was worth. A Cherry B waiting for her back at her table. Bert had at last plucked up the courage to talk.
“I’ve got a proposal!”
“Get you! We’ve only just met…”
He loved the ease with which she spoke. He wanted to marry her tomorrow.
“Errrr. Do you fancy going for a drink?”
She thought he looked like the son of Godzilla.
“Can’t. Me Mam wouldn’t like it!” He understood and Brenda escaped to go drink her Cherry B.
LIZZIE
He twisted the cord of the phone. The sweet smell of success in a single sentence. Nothing felt better than to hear someone say “I hate you”. He grinned. Hate is such a gracious way of living. He hated everyone and he was happy. No one bothered him. He bothered no one. And he was happy. The day he fell in the living-room, a sharp pain on his chest, he wasn’t alone. The dark tall figure by the door grinned and said “It’s time.”
All he could mutter was “I hate you” but this time he was definitely not happy.
RICHARD
The Proposal
I wanted my marriage proposal to be memorable. Something different and unusual, as well as being totally unexpected.
I considered all the usual variations on the theme… The ring in the bottom of a wine glass, baked into a fortune cookie or delivered to my sweetheart by a pure white dove.
But none of them really appealed to me, and besides, they’d all been done before.
In the end, I settled for simple and traditional: On one knee in a restaurant.
There’s an unexpected twist to this story though…
It was only then she told me she was already married!
SERENDIPIDY
If women knew what really goes into their perfumes, I’m sure they’d have second thoughts about putting them on their skin.
Trust me, I know. I’ve been in the business for years, and parfumiers aren’t reluctant about seeking out the most exotic and disgusting bases for their scents.
They’ll use waste petroleum products, animal secretions and nameless extractions from sources you really don’t want to know.
The perfumes I make are no exception. I won’t say what’s in them, but let’s just say animals, and people, were harmed in their manufacture.
But, for me, they’re the sweet smell of success.
TURA
Godzilla; trust
———
“I have found an interesting new race,” said One. “If they burst out from their planet into the galaxy, they promise greatness or great destruction. It has been many rotations since their like was seen.”
“Let us give them the Godzilla test,” said Two. “A superweapon where, if one uses it, they dominate the world, but if another retaliates, the world is destroyed. If they can develop the mathematics of trustworthiness, then in half a rotation we may greet them. If not, they eliminate themselves.”
On Earth, several nuclear physicists awoke from strange dreams bearing the key to unweave matter.
TOM
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 035
“Watch your head,’ said Bender as he lowered the hatch of the Leviathan. Ford could feel the bulk of the ship swinging to the north. But that didn’t make any sense. The Thames was to the south. A flurry of voices rose from the command bridge just below them. Cutting through the cross talk a single order boomed out. “Engage the Chewy.” The cry of a 1000 knives scrabbing cross stone echo in Ford’s bones. The Chewy was boring through the stone directly below St Marks. At same time they moved forward, the Chewy was taking them downward at six degrees.
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 036
“Arnesto, where are we going?” ask Ford. “To hell,” cut in Red “well damn near close to it.” Bender had placed himself to Red’s side while she continued. “ I have a proposal. We get you to your destination, we get the pint glass. Let both our overlord swim in the sweet smell of success.” “Deal.” said Cervantes. “Don’t I get a say in this?” stated Ford. “Why Ford, how unlike you.” raised Bender. “ You really don’t have a clue what this is all about. Do you?” Fort produced a shoot glass from his vest. All got very quiet.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert froze. Sabrina was in his bedroom and he had been sleeping in his underwear. He tried to twist around beneath his sheet to turn over without exposing himself. “Mom. Really? You brought her into my bedroom?”
His mother laughed. “Don’t you trust me, son? I wouldn’t let her attack you, if that’s what you’re afraid of. She said she has a proposal for you and it will just take a second.”
Billbert sighed. “You don’t know her mom. This proposal could be a life sentence.”
Sabrina giggled. “Really Billbert. It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me. Yet…”
PLANET Z
There was a mistake in the proposal.
One sentence removed from a draft had made it back in.
Instead of setting up a trust for his grandchildren, Elias was giving everything to charity.
At least that’s what the grandchildren’s lawyers claimed in court.
The charity’s attorneys disputed it.
“I hate those bastards,” they read from a letter. “Fuck them all.”
After years of litigation, there was no money left for either side to fight.
The charity folded. The grandkids had to get jobs.
And the lawyers laughed.
“I hate those lawyer bastards!” is what the old man had actually written.
Not much to do in Foster
There isn’t much to do in Foster, Missouri.
Foster is a street of nice old houses, a school, a post office, a general store.
People sitting out on their porches, reading the paper or the bible and sipping lemonade.
Maybe go out for a stroll.
Folks on the south side walking east, on the north side walking west.
At the end of the street, cross and stroll back.
You don’t walk west on the south side. Nor do you walk east on the north side.
One guy tried that in 1965.
Nobody who knows what’s decent has done it since.
The other triathlon
The idea of doing three events together in a triathlon, but the events themselves don’t appeal to me.
If I wanted to run a marathon, I’d run a marathon.
But I hate running.
I hate swimming worse than running.
I barely passed my high school swim test, and I avoid the water as best I can.
As for cycling, well, the less said the better.
Maybe if the events were ping pong, the javelin throw, and twirling that ribbon around.
I admit, I wouldn’t be good at any of those, but they sure do look like a lot of fun.
Three dots
Looked across the room and saw three dots on the router.
Oh, is the connection down?
Nope… connection seems up.
Instead of getting up to look closer, I pulled out a flashlight from the drawer and lit up the router.
Sure enough, a cardboard box was blocking the bottom two lights.
I leave a cardboard box out for the cats to play or nap in because cats like boxes.
No cats in the box at the moment.
One’s on the bed, the other is preening on the arm of the sofa.
Still, the box is there if they want it.
Reinvent the wheel
“You’re reinventing the wheel,” people were always telling Ted.
They meant it figuratively, of course.
But after hearing this dozens of times, Ted decided to reinvent the wheel.
He bought a huge wheel of Parmesan Reggiano, analyzed it, and developed his own cheesemaking process.
The cows, the grazing fields, the milking machines… down to the caves to age the cheese in.
But Parmesan Reggiano is a protected name, and it only applies to cheese made in Parma Italy.
So, Ted reinvented Parma, Italy.
The buildings, the streets, down to every resident.
And lawyer.
“I’ll see you in court!” shouted Ted.
Summertime swelter
It’s hot in the summer time. Really hot.
Over ninety. Sometimes it’s over a hundred.
When it rains, it cools off a bit, but not much.
Just enough to go out on the patio under the umbrella and sit out for a bit, sipping tea.
If the chairs aren’t wet. I forget to slide them in under the umbrella sometimes.
So, okay. Every other time I go out, the chairs are wet.
When the rain lets up, now there’s heat and humidity.
Like a steam bath.
So, I go back inside, forgetting to slide the chairs back in once again.