Author: R.

Meeting conflict

I’m on a lot of teams, and I have a lot of meetings.
They’re usually pretty good about scheduling them so they don’t conflict, but sometimes, it’s unavoidable.
Nobody ever says the other team’s meeting is more important, so go see them.
If I pick one meeting, I get follow messages about super important stuff from the other meeting.
And vice versa.
So, I started filling a coin to decide.
Heads, one team. Tails, the other team.
Then I use the coin to scratch off a lottery ticket.
And pray that I don’t need to attend either meeting ever again.

Kooky cookie

Governments are passing laws about data collection consent.
And browsers are making it easier to block all cookies and data collection.
So, we added a consent popup to our site.
Do you allow this site to collect data and store cookies on your browser?
And it saves your choice… as a cookie.
People complained that they had to tell it no every time they came to the site.
“That’s because we store your answer as a cookie… and you’re blocking cookies.”
They complain over and over about it.
But we don’t remember their complaints, because we aren’t tracking that data.

Weekly Challenge #1013 – Random words

The next topic is PICK TWO
Street life
Pox
Behind
That old classic…
Standard lamp

RICHARD

Random Words
Every week I go through the same process.
I retrieve the old cardboard box from its place under my desk, give it a good hard shake, remove the lid and close my eyes.
Reaching into the box, I rifle around its contents and pull out a selection of folded postcards, and then I can open my eyes.
The postcards have a selection of random words written on them. I lay them out on the desk and rearrange them thoughtfully.
When I have what I’m looking for, I add some filler words.
And, hopefully, end up with a hundred word story.

LISA

The One That Got Away
She was delirious when I entered the woodcutter’s cottage. As ever I was amazed how cramped the space was with so many living in it. I clasped my scarf to my face; burned rosemary to try to cleanse the air.
She lay there, wet from the sweats, rambling random words. I couldn’t feel any lumps under her armpits so felt perhaps this time there was still hope.
I stayed just long enough to give her a draught to bring the fever down but made my decision to answer the King and to live at the palace ‘til this pestilence passed.

LIZZIE

‘I don’t… you… me’. This could mean anything, said the detective, where’s the rest of it? No one knew. Is this blood? No one knew that either. Did you search the rest of the house? That they did know. And? Nothing? Nope. How about the garden? Silence. OK, forget it. Send this to the lab. They all nodded, relieved. By the way, said the detective, I don’t care what you think about me. I’d fire the lot of you. Amateurs, thought the detective. Wait a second, what I just said… Perhaps these words are not as random as they look.

TOM

Without Merit

I have found no matter how vacuous two individual might be, if one passes by during any random collection of words that flow in the public space, those random words will sound pretty cogent. Lingering for additional context will help one to understand the form and purpose of the discourse, but nearly always leds one to question why matters so banal, merits the level and length of inquiry. Chalk-it up the mind-numbing list of stuff one needs to get done in the average day. Little time to ponder the deeper questions of life. As why isn’t any more penny candy?

SERENDIPIDY

They may sound like random words to you.
You may think I’ve made some of them up, or perhaps I’m speaking a foreign language.
What could they possibly mean?
Nobody really knows.
I certainly have no idea!
I found them in an old leather bound book, hidden away in my grandmother’s attic.
Many thought grandmother was a witch, and if the book is anything to go by, she quite definitely was.
You’ll see.
As I chant the mysterious words, you’ll start to feel very strange.
Until, with a poof of smoke… All of a sudden, you’ll turn into a frog!
—

NORVAL JOE

Mandi and Bobbie sat in the back while Mrs. Weinerheimer drove north out of Eureka.

A small gray-haired lady with dark glasses held both hands flat on top of her head and muttered random words, “Kelp, wind, stinkweed, bottlebrush, cardboard box, thunderhead.”

After passing windy beaches littered with piles of kelp, Mandi glanced out of the window, and shouted, “Over there.”

A single cloud rose above the low hills.

They quickly turned onto Bottlebrush Lane and drove until they came to a broken down cabin, the front yard crowded with weeds, and a tattered cardboard box rotting on the porch.

PLANET Z

If you stir alphabet soup enough, you’ll see words.
Usually short words, but the longer you stir, a few longer words will appear.
I imagine the noodles sloshing around in my stomach, forming words and sentences and poems nobody will know about.
Dissolving into goo as I digest them.
Maybe they’re not gone?
And somehow, subconsciously I absorb them.
And they make their way on to the page.
For me to read to you.
Or perhaps, if I stick my finger down my throat, they will appear on the page faster.
Stand back. I feel a masterpiece coming out now.

Greta

Oh, Greta.
You little Nazi.
Hitler Youth wet dream, blonde and blue-eyed.
Chiseled features, the Nordic ideal.
Danish? Dutch?
It doesn’t matter which master race you come from.
Like any child star, you’ve memorized your lines.
Your father’s words, hurled at the audience from your mouth like a plunger thrusting sewage down a clogged toilet.
America is bad. America is evil.
The America full of universities researching solutions to the ills you blame it for.
While Chinese factories spew more poison and death into the world.
But your blind hate knows no reason.
Leni Reifenstahl’s ghost smiles, and says “Cut.”

George the pollster

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His captain asked him how the crew felt, and George conducted a poll.
“Your approval ratings are down,” said George.
“Maybe if we had a battle,” said the captain. “That always boosts approval ratings for politicians.”
So, the captain set course for the nearest ship and they fought it.
They won, but took heavy casualties.
George polled the crew again. And the numbers were even lower.
“But we won a battle!” said the captain.
“Yes,” said George. “But unlike the politicians, I polled the people who did the fighting.”

George frees the slaves

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the crew raided a slave ship heading for the Americas, George insisted that they free the slaves.
At first, the captain resisted the idea of letting a valuable cargo go, but in time George wore him down.
“Okay, fine,” said the captain. “But let’s be realistic… we can’t just release them in the middle of the ocean.”
“Then we’ll teach them how to be pirates,” said George happily.
And George taught them everything he knew.
It didn’t take long for the slave ship to sink without a trace.

George is George

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“What kind of pirate was he?” asks someone from the audience.
The author thought about that for a minute.
He’d established that George wasn’t a very good pirate, so what did that make George?
Average? Below-average? Awful? Horrible?
Or did “very good” refer to his nature and character?
If George wasn’t very good, was he evil?
The author hadn’t meant to delve into ontology and the spiritual realm.
“George is just George,” he said. “Can I please continue?”
The audience agreed, but the author had run out of words.

George hangs

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate
Somewhere, he’d read about people hanging themselves to get more out of sexual pleasure.
So, George tied himself by the ankles to the boom and let himself dangle.
Then, he tried to lower his breeches. Which, him being upside-down, was kinda hard to do.
After a few minutes, he felt a warm stickiness hit him in the face.
“Blech,” said George. “That wasn’t enjoyable at all,”
The captain was tempted to say “That’s because you’re supposed to hang yourself from your neck.”
So, he did, and walked away smiling.

George and the shitholes

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d been all over the world, and he’d seen some marvelous places.
He’d also seen some horrible and awful places. Total shitholes.
George preferred the marvelous and amazing places.
Because those places had a lot of stuff he could plunder loot.
There’s not much you can plunder from a shithole.
George felt guilty about it, and what he plundered from the marvelous places, he would give to the people in the shithole places.
They’d thank him, but ask if they could please get a ride away from that shithole.

Weekly Challenge #1012 – Half-missing

The next topic is Random words

RICHARD

Pizza
There’s something deeply annoying about settling down on the sofa in front of the TV and reaching across to open the pizza box, only to find – horror of horrors – your pizza has half missing.
Your eyes scan the room, searching for the culprit.
It’s not the kids. There’s no tell-tale smudges of tomato on their cheeks; their hands are clean, and there’s no crumbs on their clothes.
It can’t be the wife: she hates olives – even the thought of picking them off makes her shudder. (That’s why you always order them!)
The cat?
No.
Must have been me then.

SERENDIPIDY

I’m half-missing him.
I don’t miss his temper tantrums, his unfaithfulness and the late nights when he’d roll unsteadily in, smelling of booze and slurring his words.
I don’t miss any of that.
I don’t miss the pitying looks given by my friends, and I certainly don’t miss his obnoxious buddies, with their wandering hands and bad attitudes.
And, I really don’t miss having to constantly apologise to others on his behalf.
You’d think I wouldn’t miss him at all.
But I can only half miss him.
Because I still keep the other half of him in my freezer.

LIZZIE

They roamed the garden, looking for the key.
Is it big, is it small? What exactly are we looking for?
Questions, questions, and more questions… A key, of course, everyone replied in unison, exasperation showing on their faces.
Suddenly, someone gasped. Found it!
OK, so, where’s the door?
Door?
Yes, the door.
No one knew.
So, why exactly were we looking for a key?! I thought we were looking for a key to the shed, that one.
Well, now we’ll be looking for a door.
Which door??
Why are some people so negative? You already have the key! Be happy!

NORVAL JOE

Mandi jumped up and headed toward the door. “We have to help those people. Especially Billbert.”

Bobbi didn’t move. “How do you think you’re going to do that?”

“Mrs. Weinerheimer has a coworker you who can find people…”

Mandi’s phone interrupted her. She answered it and listened.

She turned back to Bobbi. “Hurry. We have to go. Billbert’s mom says they’re halfway to finding them. We need to get closer before they’re completely gone.”

Bobby laughed, getting to her feet. “Does that mean they’re only half-missing right now?”

Mandi frowned in confusion before going outside to wait for Mrs. Weinerheimer.

TOM

All that remains is less then enough

If you are very fortunate you will have known someone for the major portion of your life. As that person would be whispering to me now the highest form of relationship is Friendship. Loves will come and go, but your best friend will be there when your heart is breaking. Jim died four years ago and I am half-missing the world about me. Many moments feel thin as if missing the joy that can only be found in a passing fleeting second shared. I come too quickly to the end of a sentence that falls to silence. I am half-missing.

PLANET Z

Harvey’s daughter had been gang raped and murdered by a pack of homeless illegals.
The horrible things people said on social media… the excuses that local activists spewed… the politicians defending the murderers and attacking their political rivals…
Harvey appeared to shrug it off.
He volunteered at homeless shelters, clothing drives, and food banks.
When Thanksgiving came around, he volunteered at the city’s annual turkey dinner.
The massive stadium filled to capacity with tables and chairs and all the food everyone could eat.
They haven’t said if it was ricin or polonium, but tens of thousands died along with Harvey.