Everyone knows that Mel Brooks hired Richard Pryor for Blazing Saddles, but the studio couldn’t get the drug addicted Pryor insured, so Mel had to hire Cleavon Little to be the sheriff while Richard wrote the movie.
But do you know that Mel wrote all the black jokes and Richard wrote all the Jewish jokes?
Then, when asked, they took credit for each others writing.
Because, you know, racism.
And what better to write than a false narrative?
Well, these days, you wouldn’t know.
Mel tends to take credit for everything.
Well, anything that he didn’t do with Carl Reiner.
Author: R.
Doctor West
Every doctor at the West Clinic is named Eric West.
Yes, that’s very odd.
Personal records were destroyed in the fire that destroyed the clinic.
And the doctors’ bodies were burned beyond recognition.
No photos, no records in any medical school of having graduated an Eric West.
The lone surviving patient describes Dr. West as tall, lean, pale, bald, glasses, and a cane.
“All of them,” he wheezed. “Every one of them.”
Nobody is sure what the clinic was for.
Some say it was a lunatic asylum. For violent criminals.
Um, where did that patient go?
He was just here.
The price of meat
So, the pandemic made everyone stay at home.
Except for essential workers, in hospitals and the police and all that.
But also those dealing with food supplies.
Still not everyone was safe.
Meat processors and other suppliers were occasionally shut down when their workers tested positive.
Same with fuel and trucking.
This drove the price of meat up.
To the point that plant-based meat substitutes were now cheaper than real meat.
Despite the price and the health benefits, people still wanted meat.
Looking at their cats and dogs, wondering…
Does that canned cat food and dog food taste any good?
Detention center
Here at the detention center, we pride ourselves on efficiency.
It used to take a stack of paperwork to process a subject, but we’ve reduced the number of forms necessary, eliminating as much as possible through digital records.
And we’re testing a fully-automated process.
No paperwork, all biometrics-based and handed by robots and conveyor belts.
Officers drop the subjects off.
They get scanned and fitted into a cart, moved through every step in the system until their ashes are dropped in a container for transfer to the pit.
Sometimes, they resist. Like you did.
Get back in the cart. Now.
Mister Sandman
Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.
But not just any dream will do.
The dreams you’ve been bringing me lately haven’t been dreams at all.
They’ve been nightmares. Really sick, awful nightmares.
I’d like to have dreams, like when I was young.
Also, I’d like for you to bring the dreams while I’m asleep.
Not when I’m awake.
That’s not a dream. Or a nightmare.
That’s called a hallucination.
Those make it hard to deal with things.
Especially while I’m driving.
So, to summarize:
Bring me a dream. At night. While I’m asleep.
Or I will be your worst nightmare.
Weekly Challenge #965 – Classical Music
The next topic is PICK TWO Throwaway, Flight, Once more with passion!, Blood pressure, Engine, Roast
RICHARD
– Mr Dobbs –
I first encountered classical music in primary school. As we gathered together for morning assembly, Mr Dobbs – one of the teachers – would play something from his own collection to accompany us.
The name of the piece, composer and date were always written on a flipchart on the stage, and I soon knew a bunch by heart.
As for Mr Dobbs: We derived endless pleasure, watching him bob about to the music, humming along to the tunes, oblivious to our stares.
These days, if I hear one of those pieces. I picture Mr Dobbs, and I bob along, just like him.
LIZZIE
She couldn’t find her violin. She shuffled through the pile of bags waiting to be placed in the train. Where’s the violin? Where is it? She ran around like a lunatic, grabbing people’s arms and repeating the question over and over again. In the distance, a man walked away with a violin case. Why not? She had rejected him. She had mocked him, saying she had played him like a fiddle. Really? So, he was taking the fiddle. No more fiddling with people’s feelings. She would have to face the music, and it wouldn’t be the classical version of it.
TOM
By far the best piano movement
I tend to like more modern Classic music. And I am partial to works with piano and full orchestra. Wedding Day at Troldhaugen by Edvard Grieg. Erik Satie Gymnopédie No. 1. Aquarium by Camille Saint-Saëns. Sergei Rachmaninoff’s Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini. Liszt Les Préludes, symphonic poem No 3, S 97 1. Hans Zimmer’s Time from Inception. All excellent works, but for me the work that moves be the deepest is Prokofiev Piano Concerto No. 1 in D-flat Major, Op. 10. The first movement is like a runaway train. It sores upward taking my soul with it. Pure Bliss.
SERENDIPIDY
It’s a fact that music can influence the manner in which we approach activities.
I’m told that many surgeons like to have classical music piped into theatre when they’re conducting surgery. Apparently it promotes calm and helps them to focus on the job at hand.
Athletes train to upbeat, motivational songs, and we’re advised to avoid playing loud, heavy rock music when driving, since it promotes speed and risk-taking.
Personally, I like to listen to thrash metal, when I’m conducting surgery.
Not because I like it, or I’m a sloppy worker.
But it’s perfect for drowning out the screams!
NORVAL JOE
The gravel crunched beneath Billbert’s feet as he walked from the road to the Withybottom’s mansion. He could see from the steps that the front door stood slightly open.
At the doorstep Billbert heard classical music filtering down from the upper floor. He poked his head inside and called, “Mandi. Are you here?”
Rapid footsteps hurried down the stairs and Linoliamanda was shooshing Billbert with a finger to her lips. “Daddy’s asleep and mother doesn’t want us to wake him.”
Billbert shook his head. “I can’t believe you still have him at home. He needs to be in the hospital.”
PLANET Z
The terraforming vessels landed and remade the planet, taking centuries to clear the alien landscape and chemistry, replacing it with the species and oceans and forests of home.
Fabrication vessels landed, mining ores, building machinery and housing.
A sleeper vessel landed next.
Environment-suited experts tested the atmosphere and soil to confirm habitability.
Confirmed. Success.
The rest of the colony ships landed, and the new population set about populating their new home.
One administrator went to his terminal and requested Bach.
But all that played was static.
It would be decades before the request was received, and many more for fulfillment.
Dead in a closet
My grandfather ran a chain of drycleaning stores.
One hour drycleaners in Cermak Plaza.
He was known for keeping a monkey in a cage.
“We don’t monkey with your business?” a sign said.
While the monkey whacked off.
He took it for a walk, and it bit a woman.
We ended up with the cage.
And put a guinea pig in it.
For a week.
It crawled out through the food dish gate and cut its leg, bleeding to death in a closet.
I remember screaming with tears, but the strange thing is, I don’t remember it having a name.
Disconnected number
The hospital was stuck with a dead old man in its morgue and a dementia-ridden widow.
They left messages at the number on his file, and one day they got a text back with an address to send the body to.
It turned out to be the local zoo’s service entrance.
“They preyed on me for years,” an angry voice said. “Let the animals prey on him.”
The hospital said that was unethical.
“So was he. Put an ad in the paper for necrophiliacs. Ten bucks a fuck. When you have enough, burn him.”
After that, the number was disconnected.
Punch a Nazi in the face
The problem with “Punch a Nazi in the face” is that I think by now, nearly all of them are dead.
And when there were a few alive, the fucking ALCU was defending them in court, lying about them having been Nazis, and so forth.
“Demjanjuk was a kindly sweet old retired autoworker.”
Uh huh.
“Rudolph Hess was just following orders!”
Erm… he was giving them, too, asshole.
Fucking lawyers.
Maybe it should be “Punch fucking lawyers in the face.”
Lawyers, you know who they are.
They have degrees and law licenses.
And in England, they have silly white wigs.
It’s not racist
It’s not racist to use math.
It’s not racist to be on time.
It’s not racist to follow driving rules.
It’s not racist to use proper spelling. Or grammar.
It’s not racist to read and get good grades, and to graduate.
It’s not racist to eat healthy meals.
It’s not racist to go to the doctor. And dentist.
To pay your bills on time, to save money.
To say thank you, and say you’re welcome.
To listen to classical music.
To go outside to talk on the phone.
And it’s not racist to smile and be grateful to be alive.