Author: R.

Doctor Odd’s Fears

People fear a day when robots and computers will be more intelligent than humans.
But Doctor Odd knew that the true tipping point would come when humans are dumber than robots and computers.
“Just look at the education system,” said Doctor Odd. “Producing mindless sheep, deluded into believing that they are critical thinkers, and trained only to pass a standardized test.”
Minions and assistants were hard to come by, what, with the useless Sociology and Communications and Diversity Studies graduates overtaking the hard sciences.
Doctor Odd built his own assistant.and programmed it.
Just slightly dumber than himself for safety reasons.

Weekly Challenge #734 – NOBODY GETS OUT OF HERE ALIVE

Witches Familiar

LIZZIE

The three brothers were alone. The conversation started amicably, but it became bitter very quickly. Accusations flew. The past came back to haunt each one of them. “It wasn’t my fault,” each would yell. And time went by, the hours long and heavy. No solution in sight. “Nobody gets out of here before we reach an agreement,” said the eldest. And no one did. At least, not alive. The widows sobbed, and winked. That bourbon was great. Then, they went on a cruise, enjoying the money their husbands weren’t able to divide. Unfortunately, the cruise sank. Karma is a bitch.

RICHARD

The sign

It was the biggest cock up in the company’s history. Our first theme park in China: Bankrupt within mere weeks of its opening.

All my fault.

“What the hell were you thinking?” The CEO demanded, “You went to your tattoo artist for the translation… The guy who translated your name as ‘Potato Dumpling’?”

I nodded helplessly.

“I told him it should say, ‘Nobody leaves without having the time of their life'”

They fired me, of course.

And as I walked disconsolately away, the sign above the gates – my sign – mocked me in Chinese…

‘Nobody gets out of here alive!’

SERENDIPIDY

“Nobody gets out of here alive.”

My chainsmoking companion looked at me sagely. He was a veteran, surviving against all the odds, but he knew his days too were numbered.

“Even those who survive everything they throw at us are doomed. They cart them away, kill them, and cut up the bodies”

“If I were you, pray for a quick death, not like those poor souls over there”

He gestured towards the other side of the room, where our companions shivered and twitched, tortured, for no apparent reason

A lab technician approached my cage.

I prayed it would be quick.

TOM

It Was The Times

It was the mid-70s some may say longer after the golden age of the drug culture. Depends on where ya all lived. Took a look time to make its way to Chicago. Of course in some corner of the population it was common place, but in my enclave not so much. We did make up for lost time and by 1973 we were way past pot and roping in on Acid and mushrooms. The music and the folk who sang it rang out sex and drugs and rock and roll. The clear message was NOBODY GETS OUT OF HERE ALIVE.

NORVAL JOE

“We belong together?” Billbert asked.
“Yes,” Linoliamanda breathed. “When you took my hand and we rose into the sky, we were one being. A single majestic eagle gliding above the trees. Billbert! Life is short. Nobody gets out of here alive. We must live life to the fullest at every minute. Head for the sky and never look back.”
Billbert groaned. “If my dad finds out I’ve been even talking to you about flying, I’ll never get out of my bedroom alive again.”
“When can we go flying again?” Linoliamanda asked as if she hadn’t heard a word he’d said.

PLANET Z

Gamma Max Prison is never overcrowded.
One prisoner per cell.
Every time a new prisoner arrives, he is put in a cell with another prisoner.
Only one prisoner is allowed to live.
How that is resolved, the warden doesn’t care.
By the end of the day he wants one prisoner, one cell.
No more, and no less.
If both prisoners die, he calls the state and gets another prisoner.
And if both prisoners are alive, he kills them both.
Then calls the state for another prisoner.
The state sends too many prisoners.
“Match ’em up,” says the warden. And smiles.

The sting of tears

We do for them what they cannot do for themselves.
It is the Devil’s bargain we make for their love.
To end their suffering, we must also suffer.
What if, we ask ourselves.
What if we wait just one more day.
All love is torture, in the end.
We can only do so much.
And their tenth lives are our memories of them.
When others face the decision, we do not envy them.
Because we must face it ourselves again. And again.
All that remains is dust, boxes on shelves.
A collar, a beloved toy.
And the sting of tears.

Harlan

When Harlan Ellison died, nobody believed it.
“Poke him with a stick,” said the head of the Writers Guild. “Poke him hard. The last time, he was faking.”
By the time they got to “Set him on fire and beat him with a shovel” they knew for certain he was dead.
His estate was put up for auction.
Except for his old typewriter.
It was encased in concrete and sunk to the bottom of a deep lake.
Sometimes, at night, a strange green fog bubbles up from the lake.
As for the screaming tentacles, that’s just a myth.
Isn’t it?

Doctor Odd’s Baseball

Doctor Odd loved baseball.
No, he never played, but as equipment manager for his high school team, he came up with a large number of inventions to help his team win.
From cleats that sped up runners to bats made from kinetically-charged wood.
Other teams tried to steal the catcher’s signs to the pitcher.
So, he worked up a pair of hat liners that created a psychic bond between the wearers.
It worked well for a few innings, but after extended continuous use it tended to make their heads explode.
“Okay, fine,” said Doctor Odd. “This is only for closers.”

Edison’s Revival

Edison wasn’t an inventor.
He was a miracle worker who raised the dead.
He made the dead speak through his phonograph.
And he made the dead appear through the film projector.
What other miracles could he perform?
Maybe raise the dead?
So, he dug up fresh bodies from the cemetery.
Laid them out on the table, hooked them up to his generators, and threw the switch.
They flopped about, but never truly came back to life.
So, he hooked up a phonograph under the table to play some sounds.
It was close enough to resurrection to keep the crowds entertained.

Lexus

The old truck has been falling apart faster than usual.
The battery, the alternator, the air conditioning.
One of the doors is loose, and I think the transmission is going out.
So, I looked into a new car, and talked to the owner of the garage where I get the truck fixed.
“Oh, you don’t want an Audi,” Mac said. “We have three in the garage there right now. Go get a Lexus. They’re good.”
So, I did,
And a week later, it was in the garage.
Along with four other Lexuses.
Also owned by suckers who listened to Mac.

Oh wait, they’re dead

As you get older, you have an increasing number of moments where you realize “Oh, wait. They’re dead.”
Some of them, you feel sad because you miss them, and they would have really enjoyed hearing what you were going to say.
Others, you feel relieved, because you don’t have to deal with their crap ever again.
And then there’s the ones who know shit about you that you don’t want to get out.
That’s when you might have a moment where you realize “Oh, wait. They’re still alive.”
Then you get your gun and shovel, and pay them a visit.

Weekly Challenge #733 – CHEMISTRY

Shade

LIZZIE

In a nutshell… The chemistry wasn’t right. So, I decided to burn it all, but burn it with style. The documentary didn’t make justice to the whole process. It was a masterpiece! I tried to make it as simple as possible. I drew the lines. But it wasn’t easy. Everything was a bit wiggly. The actual procedure only took place afterwards, of course. And.. It did burn for quite a bit. I had no idea it would take that long. On top of it all, it didn’t work properly. If it had I wouldn’t be here, would I, your honor?

RICHARD

Impersonals

Single, unattached, solvent male; young at heart with a good sense of humour, would like to meet friendly, sociable thirty-something female.

Needs to be easy on the eye, healthy, and in possession of an open mind.

Interests and hobbies, unimportant. Not looking for a long-term relationship or settling-down, and physical intimacy – whilst desirable – is not strictly necessary.

Looking for one-off meets of a strictly transactional nature.

The right chemistry is important, but only insofar as that required to select, transfer and merge egg and sperm to a successful conclusion.

Please supply your own, sterile, test tube.

SERENDIPIDY

There’s a chemistry between us – can you feel it?

I won’t deny that killing in cold blood has its own allure, but it’s always so much better when there’s that intangible connection between victim and killer: That frisson of emotion, born of fear, loathing and hope.

Like it, or not, we’re entered into a relationship, and that’s something very special, a wonderful, fragile connection that few will ever experience.

It makes this moment so much more special; and adds a certain poignancy to our eventual parting.

Don’t you feel the chemistry?

No?

A pity… but I’m still taking your life.

TOM

Chemistry was not in the cards for me. Chemistry was for smart people. After five years in Catholic Grade school I knew clearly what side of the line I was on. This was further confirmed by my brief glance at scientific notation. Scared the crap out me, so I sign up for 3rd period European history. Fast forward 25 years later, the requirements for AA put me in Mrs. Easters chem 101 class. Not alone did I wrestle Sci Notes to it’s knees. I got the highest grad in the class. All it took was brute force and a jug of Carl Rossi’s

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda was silent for a minute, then said, “Billbert. I don’t know what I would do without you as my friend. I really don’t want you to move away.”
She sounded on the verge of tears. He didn’t want her to be sad. “Really. I don’t think I will have to move, if I don’t get caught flying again.”
With a sudden attitude shift, she sounded completely happy again. “Right. We’ll have to be careful about when and where we fly.”
“What do you mean, we?” Billbert asked.
“Face it,” she said. “We have a special chemistry. We belong together.”

PLANET Z

The fundamental science of the universe is Physics.
It deals with the interactions of particles and forces and fields.
On top of Physics you get Chemistry.
Particles come together to form molecules, which interact in various ways.
Then comes Geology, Biology, and Astronomy.
Because rocks and life and the stars all come from chemical reactions.
Then comes Economics, Sociology, and Philosophy.
Those need living things to interact.
And Religion?
That should come from life, too.
There are those who think that Religion is the foundation of all things.
So, I kill them, and ask them if there’s Religion without life.

Fake Moon Landing

Some people say that NASA faked the moon landing.
No, the moon landing was real.
And most of the stuff that people saw on television was real.
But there was one thing that NASA faked.
It was when the astronauts golfed on the moon.
Alan Shephard was supposed to hit a few golf balls on the moon during the Apollo 14 mission.
But instead of his golf bag, he’d packed his tennis bag.
“The PGA paid us millions for this!” shouted Pete Frank, the flight director.
After NASA played the film, astronaut Edgar Mitchell hurled a lunar scoop in disgust.