R. – Page 242 – The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Halloween genocide

When we arrived, we found the land already occupied.
So, we introduced diseases into the population, and waited.
People died, crops died.
And after five years, the land was ours.
We put on environment suits and explored the countryside.
Abandoned villages full of rotting bodies, nature reclaiming the paths and clearings.
Crews cleaned up one location after another, establishing colonies.
Until there was no sign of the previous population. Only us.
We had conquered the world.
That’s when a light appeared in the sky.
Two. Five. Dozens. Thousands.
They scattered glowing capsules everywhere.
And we clutched our throats and screamed.

Rescuing Snow White

We’d gotten a report that seven miners had kidnapped a girl and made her their domestic slave.
So, we took up positions around the cottage and demanded that they release the girl.
When they refused, we tossed in tear gas and stun grenades, but nobody left the building.
“Bring out the tank,” I said, and the breach vehicle rolled up on the front door, caving in the cottage’s walls and roof.
“Well, crap,” I said. “See if there’s any survivors.”
There weren’t any.
“Sorry your majesty,” I told the queen.
“Don’t be,” said the queen, patting her mirror. “Everything’s fine.”

Weekly Challenge #704 – STURDY

NORVAL JOE

Just as Billbert thought the principal was going to come unglued on him, he was saved by the girl’s PE coach.

Ms. Gastrock climbed onto a small table and shouted, “Okay boys and girls. It’s time for a little game I like to call, ‘Mix and Match’.”

The students never found out what the game entailed because, as the coach drew in a breath, the table, obviously less sturdy than the coach believed, collapsed beneath her weight.

The principal rushed to where Ms. Gastrock lay on her back.

Billbert took advantage of the distraction and slipped away to find Linoliumanda.

TOM

Balance is a Bitch –

Sam grew up on the north-side of Chicago. No sane parent was about to let a kid bike through those streets. Wasn’t going to happen. One of the selling points of this parent’s move to the south subs was he could final have a bike. “Here,” proudly presented Dad. A red Swing fit for a six year old. “What are those?” protested Sam. “Training wheels. They’ll make the bike sturdy.” Ok, thought Sam and took off with dad’s left hand on his shoulder. When dad let go, Sam listed hard right then did plowed into the sidewalk. “Done think so.”

LIZZIE

The cave hideout stank of bacon. Whoever was there had cooked himself a hearty meal.
The treasure, however, had to be moved.
He tiptoed inside. A lamp sat by the side of the entrance and lit the way.
When he reached the spot, he shoved a few chests aside.
“It’s not here.” In a frenzy, he dug through the sand. “It’s not here.”
That’s when a sturdy little man waltzed in.
“You want the cave? You can have it. I bought myself a new crib.” And he waltzed away.
Throwing a pebble at his head didn’t do a thing, unfortunately.

TURA

Sturdy
———
Her proper name was Amélienne, but when she grew up to be a heavy-set little girl, and not the delicate, wispy aristocratic ideal of a daughter, everyone mocked her with a commoner’s name. “Sturdy Jane! Sturdy Jane!” the other high-born children jeered, while imitating her stumpy gait, until her parents hid her away in the servants’ quarters.

She learnt a great many things among the servants, who became as friendly to her as if she were one of them, and not Amélienne de Coucy-Sancièremont et Carabonne.

Her parents were the first up against the wall when she led the revolution.

SERENDIPIDY

You should always pick a sturdy beam, from which to suspend the hooks. Too often, people under estimate just how heavy a dead human body is, and the last thing you want to happen is to have your ceiling brought crashing down, due to an insubstantial fixture.

Why hang them in the first place? I hear you ask. Which shows how little you know!

The best flavour comes with air drying and a curing process that can’t be rushed.

If you want second rate meat, by all means, throw it straight in the freezer.

But I have more refined tastes.

PLANET Z

Arthur was a furniture designer, and he insisted on making sturdy furniture.
When Arthur was young, his father died in an earthquake, when some flimsy bookshelves fell on him.
So, he was obsessed with bracing everything and sturdiness.
He came up with the perfect balance of strength and portability.
It wasn’t pretty, and some of it was downright ugly.
The military bought some of his designs, and he became very rich
He built a mansion, and filled it with fancy furniture.
None of it used his practical, ugly designs.
So, when an earthquake hit, Arthur died under a flimsy bookshelf.

The Gooch

If you’ve been bad, they send you to The Gooch.
Nobody can spell her name or pronounce it right, so we all just call her The Gooch.
Even the teachers call her that.
“That’s enough out of you,” they say. “Go see The Gooch.”
Nobody ever actually saw The Gooch.
She kept her office dark.
And there was a desk lamp, shining right in your face.
Maybe if you squinted, you could see her fingernails clacking on her desk.
When she was happy, she’d smile, and you’d see the whites of her fangs.
Or, if angry, her glowing red eyes.

Dressing the part

Ned is cheap.
He wears a Santa Claus suit as a costume for Halloween.
“Christmas is two months away,” we tell him.
“Plenty of time to party then!” he’d shout, and throw back another shot of whiskey.
He’ll drink himself under the table soon enough. Always does.
I can’t blame him for dressing up like Santa, though.
I mean, he really looks the part. Fat with white hair and a big white beard.
And he never has to throw a Christmas party. He gets invited to all the parties as the Santa.
In spite of being a cheap drunken wretch.

Writing stories for the season

Every year, I try to write Halloween stories for October and holiday stories for December.
I also try to write pirate stories for September, but those are easy to write any time of the year.
Halloween stories need inspiration from horror and Halloween seasonal stuff, and that only comes around Halloween.
At least with Christmas, the Hallmark Channel plays Christmas in July stuff.
Not that I can stand watching that mawkish formulaic stuff.
It’s all about some chick or guy going to a small town, finding love, and settling down.
Which I find horrifying… almost enough to inspire Halloween stories.

Variety

I remember when there were just plain M&Ms.
Then came peanut M&Ms. They were great.
After that came almond M&Ms, but only for a limited time.
And then, they seemed to come up with a new flavor or variety every week.
I like to get different varieties of them, mix them up in a bowl, and put them in a candy dispenser.
It’s total chance what kind you’ll get.
A bit of this, a bit of that. A handful of mystery and surprise.
And, because it’s guaranteed to trigger any possible allergy, i leave out a stack of epipens, too.

Fred the Mummy

Freddy loved Halloween.
From the Trick or Treating to the costumes and apple-bobbing, he loved it all.
Every year, he dressed as a mummy, and you could almost swear he was a real mummy.
Then, one day, Freddy died.
His will left explicit instructions to authentically mummify him.
Experts were brought in to perform the proper rituals and procedures, even hooking out his brain through his nose and putting his innards in canopic jars.
And sure enough, the next Halloween, Freddy was out there, joining in the Halloween revelry.
Some say we’re cursed by Freddy, but I say we’re blessed.

Shoveling job

Teddy earned a buck every time he shoveled the driveway.
So, he shoveled the driveway five times a day.
Even in the summertime.
“That’s not how it works, Teddy,” said his dad. “If you want to earn more, go shovel other people’s driveways.”
So, Teddy did. And he came back to his dad looking to get paid.
“That’s not how it works, either,” said his dad. “They need to pay you for shoveling their driveways.”
So Teddy attacked his dad with the snow shovel.
Now Teddy shovels the driveway at the reform school.
And they don’t pay him a dime.

Weekly Challenge #703 – SMUTTY

RICHARD

Chatty

Back in the Second World War, in Britain we used to have posters, sternly advising that ‘Careless talk costs lives!’

I’ve no idea whether they were successful in preventing German spies from gaining sensitive information – that’s something I’ve never been able to find out.

A life is a high price to pay for careless talk.

And yet, these days, people keep telling me that ‘talk is cheap’.

And, trust me, I can also tell you from personal experience that is absolutely not true… These premium rate sex lines charge crazy rates.

Smutty talk, it seems, costs a bloody fortune!

TOM

Banned In Boston –

In more genteel times books such as “God’s Little Acre” and “Peyton Place” were lumped under the pejorative heading of “Smutty”. Wild people doing wild things wildly. Not what respectable folk should be reading, well actually they did, and a lot. Still it was more a guilty pleasure that didn’t get spoke about in respectable company. Forward the clock during a UU Sunday service a member gave a glow recommendation for “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.” OK. Then my mom, my mom tell me she just finished “50 Shady of Gray”. I so didn’t want to know that. Smutty

LIZZIE

“So, here is where he writes his smutty books.”
“He writes smutty books, the vicar?!”
“You didn’t know?!”
“No!”
Silence took over the whole room. They crossed their arms in sync and tilted their heads.
“The desk is huge.”
“It is.”
More silence ensued.
“I wonder how long it would take to destroy it?”
“A few minutes?”
They nodded.
“We need to find a creaky window.”
“Boring.”
“So… What then?”
Silence.
“OK, grab his books. We can read them out loud during mass.”
And the two glided on to the next room, sneering. This Halloween promised to be great fun.

SERENDIPIDY

Smutty, Salacious, Kinky, Stinky, Buggery, Thuggery and Cock: The seven alternative dwarves that somehow never made into the story books.

Forced to scratch a living from the seamier side of life, they finally found employment as key players in my crime syndicate, doing my dirty work and – no doubt – enjoying a few carnal pleasures along the way.

And, speaking of carnal pleasures, I have needs too.

Needs that are well attended to by my seven minions, and trust me, their stature isn’t replicated where it matters!

Don’t look so shocked – after all, I’m no Snow White!

NORVAL JOE

Ms. Frunsio’s mouth dropped open. “You boy’s with your smutty thoughts and behavior. And you admit that you took advantage of that innocent girl.”

Billbert blinked and shook his head. “No. I didn’t take advantage of Linoliumanda. I took advantage of the situation. She wanted me to kiss her.”

The principal shook her finger at him. “Don’t try to justify your behavior. You can’t know what she wanted, unless you can read minds.”

Billbert couldn’t help himself. “I did know what she wanted. She kissed me first.”

Frunsio gasped in shock. “How dare you cast aspersions on that poor girl.”

KRISTIN

he secret to happiness?

Suffering. Gotta suffer before you smile.

Me? It started with a cough. Mucus, then blood.

Next day, I barely breathed. Doctors said it grew up my windpipe in threads.

Week later, it swelled into white, hard buds on my neck.

Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Wanted to die.

Then one morning, I felt threads growing, spinning webs under my skull. A flash. Then, the pain in my head disappeared.

Now? I feel good. Only my smile hurts. The whole world should feel this way.

So come on, nurse. Open up. Let’s spread a little happiness.

PLANET Z

Jim Jackson was the greatest comedian.
He would have made for a great sitcom guy. Or even a talk show host.
But the mouth on him! The shit he’d say!
Sure, Carlin went from his curseword-filled act to Shining Time station, a kids show, but Jim? He was toxic.
Even the streaming services gave him a pass, too. Maybe they’d shoot his act for a special, but a sitcom or a talk show?
No, not Jim. They’d never get him off tof he road
“Fine,” said Jim. “If I can’t have the pussy come to me, I’ll go to it.”