I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Oh, sure, when I was a fetus in my mother’s womb, I had a silver spoon in my mouth.
But surgeons performed pre-natal surgery on me to remove the silver spoon before I was born.
Then, I was born without a silver spoon in my mouth.
As for the silver fork up my ass and the silver knife in my ear, well, the coroner assumed that Mother tried to steal a place setting from a fancy restaurant.
If only she had a coat with large deep pockets, I’d have lived.
Author: R.
Lifelong dreams
I knew a chef who’s dream it was to start his own restaurant.
He worked hard, and one day, he opened his restaurant.
And died of a heart attack because of stress.
I knew another guy who had a dream to fly his own plane.
He worked hard, and one day, he bought and flew his own plane.
And died in a crash.
Everyone I know who has a dream eventually achieves it, and then dies from it.
So, I try not to dream.
But when I do, I tell people to thwart my lifelong dreams.
I’m gonna live forever.
No Evil
See no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its eyes.
Hear no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its ears.
Speak no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its mouth.
Smell no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its nose.
Fart no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its butt.
Fuck no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its crotch.
Admit no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its crimes.
Feel no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its feelings.
Owe no evil, a monkey’s paws cover its bills.
Think no evil, a monkey’s paws covers its thoughts.
Browse no evil, a monkey’s paws covers it’s computer screen.
Outside
The mornings and evenings are so quiet.
Just me and the cats.
I should get some kind of chaise or hammock for outside.
Let the two furry monsters go out and play.
And when they’re tired, curl up with me.
We’ve got chairs with cushions.
They’re okay to sit and lean back in.
And it’s cool this time of year.
But when it rains, they get wet.
And take days to dry.
I won’t kid myself and say it’s fresh air.
It’s just as polluted as the air inside.
But it’s outside, and outside is outside.
And quiet is quiet.
Weekly Challenge #682: Slurp
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
Slurp!
Hey, that’s not the way I brought you up.
Slurp…
I won’t say it again.
Slurp?
I warn you.
Slurp. Slurp.
Stop it.
Slurp, slurp, slurp.
OK, that’s enough. I’ve had it.
A thunder of stomping feet approached the kitchen while the kids scattered in all directions. Johnny stayed behind, sitting at the table, daring his mother.
Who was it? Come on. Who was it?
No slurping now? Spit it out. Who was slurping?
When the mother finally gave up, Johnny looked at his cup. It was almost empty.
The others’ cups were almost full.
He sneered.
Slurp.
RICHARD
Captain Slurp
The big name brands had their Colonels and their Clowns, but being a small independently owned burger bar, meant that our advertising budget was rather constrained.
That’s how we ended up with Captain Slurp – a rather shoddy, modified and repainted second hand Captain America figurine, with the addition of a twelve inch pink, lolling tongue and a shield formed from a giant burger bun, to avoid copyright infringement suits.
Frankly, he was terrifying.
He did the job brilliantly – mainly because furious customers came in complaining he’d scared their kids.
And they’d always buy burgers while they were here!
SERENDIPIDY
In many Asian cultures, it’s considered good form to slurp your noodles; whilst elsewhere a satisfied belch at the conclusion of the meal is seen as a compliment to the chef.
In this part of the world, however, we are a little more genteel, preferring a more delicate approach to meals.
Here, napkins, finger bowls and correctly ordered cutlery are the order of the day, and untoward displays of satisfaction are frowned upon. We prefer the enjoyment of food to be a respectful, elegant affair, as is befitting of its source.
After all, grandmother had class.
And she tasted, delicious!
NORVAL JOE
Billbert and Linoliumanda followed Wanda through the crowds of students meandering along the hallways in no real hurry to get to their next classes.
“Wait,” Linoliumanda said. “You expect us to believe you know something special about secret government agencies? You can’t be much older than either of us. Fourteen at most.”
Wanda stopped and casually took a slurp of lukewarm water from the drinking fountain before looking around them and whispering, “I’m really twenty-four years old and just finished my training with the FBI at Quantico.”
Billbert’s mouth dropped open.
Linoliumanda rolled her eyes and said, “Oh yeah. Right”
PLANET Z
“Don’t slurp your soup, Jimmy,” mother said.
So, Jimmy slurped Tommy’s soup.
“Don’t slurp any soup!” mother shouted.
Jimmy would go off into the woods, build a campire, and cook soup.
Then he’d pour it into a bowl, get out a spoon, and slurp it.
Once, he forgot to bring a spoon, and he slurped it straight from the bowl.
A tentacle poked out of the bowl and grabbed Jimmy by the throat.
“HOW DARE YOU BLASPHEME AGAINST SLURPASOUP, GOD OF BULLION?” boomed through the woods.
Jimmy was dragged into the bowl and never seen again.
Tommy got Jimmy’s bike.
Bunnyverse
Why do magicians pull rabbits out of hats?
Well, rabbits are docile compared to other animals.
Also, rabbits are cute.
Finally, the parallel universe to which your hat’s transdimensional portal connects is full of cute, docile rabbits.
That’s why we call it The Bunnyverse.
So, whenever you stick your hand into your hat, it doesn’t take long for you to grab a rabbit and pull it into our universe.
Just remember to put the rabbit back. Transdimensional mass imbalance might lead to a space-time rift.
Which will explode and kill you, the audience, and everyone on earth.
Including the rabbit.
Bruce Wayne the Drunk 2
Bruce Wayne was a drunk.
At his Halloween Party, he wanted to dress up as Batman.
His butler Alfred tried to convince him that this was a bad idea.
They wrestled for a bit, and Bruce had Alfred in a headlock as the butler smashed a vial of knock-out gas into Bruce’s face.
They both passed out, and the party went on without them.
Everyone had a great time, and nobody noticed that Bruce was missing.
But they noticed that Aflred was missing.
The caterers ransacked the manor.
Bruce woke up, got into his Batman suit, and hunted them down.
Bruce Wayne the Drunk 1
Bruce Wayne was a drunk.
Alfred would shake him awake, wipe the vomit off of his face, and say “Batsignal.”
“Fuck,” growled Bruce, and Alfred would help him get into his Batman suit.
He added an autopilot to the Batmobile because he was too drunk to drive it.
He also added a minibar, because wanted to get drunker.
When the Batmobile arrived at the scene of the crime, Batman would fall out of it, growl a few times, and then punch the hell out of anything in his way.
Then he’d swing by the liquor store, and head back home.
Chronoscope
The Chronoscope allows you to peer back in time.
Just set the coordinates and activate the viewer bridge.
The probe manifests in the past as a small bubble for an infinitely brief period of time.
For safety reasons, the probe cannot scroll forward or backward in time.
This would risk damaging the probe, which would flash forward in time as a catastrophic energy wave.
I show my students so many historical moments, but most of all, they want to see trees and grass and rivers.
Back before the energy wave burned the world, while we watched from Lunar Base One.
The Weeds
Denise was a smart kid in a poor school district.
Every year, money went to the football team.
Instead of textbooks, science labs, and other academic resources.
Because colleges wanted athletes, not students.
For AP classes, Denise took a bus across town to the rich kids’ school.
Up early, home late.
Studying, while everyone else was at the game.
For years, she bred dandelions in her back yard.
Carefully selecting the toughest weeds, with the deepest roots.
And spread their seeds on the football field.
They quickly crowded out the grass.
Even when the district re-sodded, it came up weeds.