Since the last time I was on an airplane, I lost forty-five pounds.
I don’t need the seat upgrade anymore.
But I sure do miss the free drinks.
Oh, and the legroom. That’s always a plus.
Where else can you spend thirty bucks to get three more inches for a few hours?
I know for a fact that these blue pills give you less, and they don’t last as long.
Oh, and these upgraded seats have power outlets. Not just USB… the full outlet.
Uh oh. I forgot to charge my phone. I’d better plug in my charger before I…
Author: R.
Varsity
Johnny made varsity.
Football? Baseball? Basketball?
No. Field hockey. Varsity field hockey.
Yes, I know it’s a girl’s sport, but Johnny’s kinda girly and small.
Still, he’s a feisty little shrimp, and he looks kinda cute in the knee socks and skirt, I suppose.
The other parents raised a huge stink over it with the school board, but it’s not like he’s in the girl’s locker room or showering with them.
No, he’s in the boy’s locker room. Peeking through a hole in the wall and watching his team mates in their locker room while they shower.
That’s my boy!
The End
Tell my friends that I loved them.
Who are my friends?
Good question.
Those who know that I loved them, know.
Those who don’t know that I loved them, it’s my fault for not telling them.
Those who think they know that I loved them, but I didn’t really love, it’s ok. Let them be. Nothing I can do about it now.
Those who hated me, well, let them. Let them enjoy my demise. It won’t last. Someone else will raise their hackles eventually.
And those I hate, well, they can just kiss my cold dead ass. Fuck them all.
Weekly Challenge #690 – CURRENT
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Tom
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
The current state of affairs is grim. What did I do to deserve this. All I wanted was a little garden with a touch of originality. But that greenish tone. I hate it. It makes me want to puke. And those little ducks floating about in a neat little line make me want to kill them though they are fake ducks. I sit here and wonder. Could I paint this in black and fire the decorator?
“Honey, help me here. I’m not sure whether to go for a twisted branch or for a straight one. Just love the green tone!”
RICHARD
Half-Baked
I’d always had aspirations to become a journalist, but dad was a baker, and his dad before him, and I had little choice other than to join the family business.
I did rather well. My prize winning fruit buns were known throughout the town, earning me recognition amongst the Master Bakers’ community, and eventually I was invited to become the Chief Master Baker and press spokesperson.
The Master Bakers’ principal organ of communication was a publication appallingly entitled, ‘A Pizza Cake’. Thankfully, in recognition of my services to baking, and to honour my excellent buns, it was renamed…
‘Currant Affairs’
SERENDIPIDY
Your toe bone’s connected to your foot bone.
Your foot bone’s connected to your ankle bone.
Your ankle bone’s connected to your shin bone.
Your shin bone’s connected to your knee bone.
Your knee bone’s connected to the thigh bone.
The thigh bone’s connected to the hip bone.
The hip bone’s connected to the back bone.
Your back bone’s connected to your neck bone.
Your neck bone’s connected to your head bone.
And your head bone’s connected to four hundred volts of direct current, controlled by this one little switch.
Let’s see what happens when my finger connects with it!
NORVAL JOE
Tony grabbed a handful of Billbert’s shirt in the middle of his chest and twisted his fist until the t-shirt tightened around his throat.
Billbert felt himself rising off the ground but not through any current use of his superpower.
Tony snarled. “Didn’t you hear me say that Marrissa is my girlfriend?”
Billbert wheezed through his constricted airway, “Are you sure she’s your current girlfriend? She said she wanted to meet me at the dance.”
Tony’s face darkened from pink to crimson to purple. “Do you currently wish to die a painful death, or would you rather just quietly disappear?”
TOM
The End Is Near-
He was truly a bad man. The family seated in the viewing room were awaiting his timely exited from this world. In a few moments major electrical current was going to stop the bastard’s heart. Dad doubted the fucker had a heart to stop. Mom just wanted him dead. I had some last minute reservations. Is a life for a life a … hell fry the guy! When they throw the switch his eyes show the tiniest expression of remorse then when blankly dead. They granted Dad one last kindness. He took a baseball bat and cave his head in.
PLANET Z
It’s important to stay current with technology.
You don’t want to fall too far behind, or people won’t think you’re relevant.
And you don’t want to be too far ahead, or people will realize you’re a time traveler.
Of course, time travel is really far ahead.
So if they see you time travel, you’ll get all kinds of questions and problems.
Best to stay current with things.
Same with fashion, too.
One man’s anachronisms is another man’s trendsetting.
Although that might be how future fashions become fashions in the future.
You bring them back, people see them.
Setting a trend.
Robot Grandmother
After Mom died, Dad needed a little help around the house.
So, he bought a robot grandmother.
No, she didn’t run on electricity, like the grandmother in Ray Bradbury’s story.
This grandmother ran on coal.
She was as big as a locomotive.
And we had to shovel coal into her boiler every twenty minutes.
She belched smoke and ash and carbon monoxide.
We had to keep the windows open, or we’d suffocate.
At least she was warm in the Winter.
When Dad remarried, we packed Grandma into a box. And buried her.
Our real Grandma. Because she died of something.
Kidney Stones
I woke up in brutal agony.
The right side of my back was absolute murder.
At first, I thought it was food poisoning, but club soda didn’t help.
We went to the hospital, and I waited for two hours in the waiting room, moaning and crying.
Eventually, the doctor saw me, asked me for my symptoms, and said “Probably kidney stones.”
So, they hooked me to an IV, put some painkillers in the drip, and cat-scanned me.
I’d already passed the first stone, but the second stone was brutal.
If I ever donate a kidney, it’ll be the right one.
Take the right one
I woke up in agony.
My first two kidney stones ever. From my right kidney.
They say this is the closest a man can come to experiencing the pain of childbirth.
Except, instead of a 6 to 7 pound baby, it’s 4 millimeter-wide crystals.
I’ll call them AAAAAARGH! and Steve.
My whole life must change.
No more coffee, no more caffeine, no more sodas.
Count my sodium, milligram by milligram.
And lots and lots of water.
So much water.
If I ever need to donate a kidney, for the love of God, take the right one, not the left, okay?
The Bombs
The first explosion bloodies the legs of everyone at the sidewalk cafe.
A bomb filled with screws and nails, covered in rat poison to keep the wounds bleeding.
Smoke and screams, cries for help.
Bind them with napkins and tablecloths until help arrives.
That’s when the second explosion happens.
They meant for it to kill medics and police and the doctors who rushed to help.
Afterwards, the men in bright reflective vests, gathering shredded limbs and bone and fingers, toes in a baby’s shoe, where is the other one, bagging them up, sending them off.
So nobody is buried unwhole.
Good movies coming
A lot of good movies are coming to the theater, but at my age, it’s a challenge to make it through an entire movie without needing to go to the bathroom.
Now that I’m on Flomax, it’s even more of a challenge. Just one sip of water or lemonade, and I’m rushing for the toilet.
So, I look at adult diapers. And catheters. And even stranger devices.
Maybe I should just not drink as much before the movie starts?
Nah. I’ll just wait to buy it online on Amazon and watch it at home.
And then for free on Prime.
It’s hard to write when
It’s hard to write stories when you’re doubled over in pain and clutching your gut and back.
You can’t see the screen or reach the keys.
Pen and paper doesn’t work when you’re curled up in a tub of water, crying and waiting for the pills to kick in.
Even voice to text software won’t recognize the words through clenched teeth.
Why why why is this happening?
Why why why is this happening to me?
Make it stop!
Then, the cool wave comes.
Pain floats away.
You can breathe. You can think.
But for how long before the pain returns?