The escalator was invented long before there was an electric motor capable of powering it.
Elephants were used to power the demonstration models, but nobody wanted a basement filled with those things. They’re big, smelly, and expensive to feed.
Plus, elephant poop.
This made the escalator a really hard sell for the inventor, because building owners weren’t willing to pay so much for a heavy, ugly staircase.
“One day, those steps will move!” the inventor would shout.
People thought he was drunk. Or overdoing the medicinal cocaine and heroin.
He rode the elephants home and sold them to the circus.
Author: R.
Battery Power
Rosie has a cell phone.
She uses it a lot. Mostly to send Twitter updates.
She uses it so much, she runs out of battery power constantly.
And Tweets about it.
“Did you change the thing before we left?” I ask.
“Yes!” she shouts, and Tweets some more complains about low battery power.
So, I gave her my portable battery charger and bought a bigger one for myself.
“Here, take this.”
Now, she runs out of power on the phone AND the portable battery charger. Or she forgets the cord.
So, I bought earplugs. And I turn up my music loud.
Pardon my French
In Paris, hundreds of Muslims and Arabs assaulted Jews at a synagogue and shouted “Jews leave France!” The Jews barricaded themselves in the synagogue for safety from the angry mob.
A synagogue is not an embassy or state institution. It is a religious institution. Protesting a synagogue by definition is anti-Semitism, and attacking Jews for being Jews in a synagogue is a hate crime.
France claims to be a Western democracy that supports freedom of religion, the rights of the individual, and the rule of law.
If anyone should be expelled from France, it’s those freedom-hating angry Muslims and Arabs.
Star Pupil
The trays they have in the school cafeteria are the same as the trays in the prison.
I know it’s just a coincidence, but with the dropout rate and the gang problem, I guess it’s good to have some stability in their lives.
Me, I teach. At the school during the week, and at the prison over weekends and holidays.
Some of my worst students in the school turned out to be the best students in the prison.
It’s good to get a second chance, I always say. For them. And for me, I suppose.
It makes me try harder.
Weekly Challenge #612 – Involved
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
RICHARD
“So”, she asked, looking coy, “are you involved with anyone?”
“Involved?”
“Don’t be shy – you know what I mean. Are you seeing someone; romantically involved; any significant other in your life?”
I looked at her askance.
“Don’t you think that’s a little inappropriate, considering the circumstances?” I countered.
“Oh, I don’t think you mean that”, she said, undoing anther button…
I turned to consult with my colleagues: “Well, what do you think?”
The look on their faces told me all I needed to know.
“I’m sorry, Miss Smith, but we don’t think you’re suited to teaching at this primary school!”
SERENDIPITY
I can’t bear those ridiculous crime programmes on TV. I don’t care if it’s CSI, Columbo, or even Miss Marple; there’s no attempt at realism and the plots are so convoluted and involved it beggars belief that anybody could take them at all seriously.
The truth of the matter is that a couple of police officers turn up, poke around for a bit, take some pictures of the body, then arrange for it to be carted off to the morgue, where the whole thing is forgotten, The paperwork simply isn’t worth the effort.
As long as I pay them well.
JEFFREY
The Times We Traveled
by Jeffrey Fischer
In the end, time travel turned out to be less of a trick than scientists feared. To be sure, the calculations were very involved, but they were no challenge for the finest mathematical minds of the day.
Of course, even the best minds can’t think of everything. As soon as the chief scientist threw the switch to operate the machine, all possible futures occurred at once. Ex-wives quarelled with wives from realities where the divorce never happened. Powerful nations from one timeline clashed with those in other timelines, sometimes with disastrous results. From that moment, time was indeed quite involved.
TOM
River of No Return
He tried to ignore the word. It sailed in with the usually stream of directives, suggestions, and near imperatives. It took a bit to parse because Ann, his latest, and longest surviving girlfriend was a 33rd level relationship magi. Her ability to break the finer points of couplesness into near infinitesimal infinite lines of input code which as a rule just by-passed Ben’s male firewall drilling direct down into his soul had come in the form of a question. So there is was: INVOLED. The Closer he came to a reply the closer his free ranging day were at an end.
NORVAL JOE
As Bernard was growing up, his father tried to teach him life’s lessons.
He was a successful psychiatrist, so he was believable when he counseled to never get romantically involved with your customers. He lost some credibility when he ran off with one of his patients who had multiple personality disorder. Each of her personalities was a different performer in a circus. Bernard’s dad was going to be the ring master.
Bernard thought he could follow his father’s guidance by becoming a mortician until he tried to embalm a beautiful vampiress who bit him and made him into her consort.
TURA
Involved
———
The involution transporter had one disadvantage: everything that went through it arrived inside out. Go on, imagine putting yourself through one. It’s popular among the nastier regimes of the world for executing condemned criminals. Then someone realised that if you made two jumps you’d end up inside in. It needs huge accuracy to arrive not just right way out but exactly the same shape, and it’s still a shock. Not to mention that perceptible moment when your digestive tract is on your outside and your skin is on your inside. Not many people can cope with that. A pity, really.
PLANET Z
It is Winter. Outside of the church, Elsa sells matches in the street.
Her father beats her if she does not sell anything, so she stays out in the cold.
Nobody buys matches. Everyone just passes her by, up the steps into the church.
To keep warm, Elsa strikes the matches, one by one.
The church choir sings of love, kindness, and charity.
So Heavenly. So beautiful.
So hypocritical.
Elsa strikes her last match and lights the church on fire.
As worshippers flee the blaze, she steals the collection box and grabs a dropped coat and scarf to keep warm.
Carrot delinquents
When I go to the grocery store, I like to put bags of baby carrots in other people’s carts.
I do this because if you don’t find a good home for baby carrots, they grow up unloved and without discipline, and they become juvenile delinquent carrots.
Or worse… they end up dead, and their bodies are chopped up for carrot cakes.
Trust me. The last thing you want is a carrot cake with a police record.
Best to find them homes now so they can be eaten before they turn into society’s problem.
If only more carrots practiced safe sex.
Garbage Days
On Monday, we roll the garbage out from the garage to the curb.
On Tuesday, garbage men come by to collect the garbage.
On Wednesday, the city sends people around to fine those who do not roll their empty garbage cans back into their garages.
Sometimes, neighbors will be nice and do that for you Tuesday night if you haven’t done it yet yourself.
While others will roll their empties on to your curb on Wednesday morning, just to fuck with you.
That’s when you chuck their empty garbage cans through their front window.
And burn their goddamned house down.
Swapping Lunches
Jamie doesn’t like the lunches that her mother packs.
Neither does Ricky.
So, they began to trade lunches.
Now Ricky can have the corn chips he loves so much, and Jamie gets tuna salad sandwiches.
Except that Ricky is allergic to corn. See the rash on his neck? That’s not a good thing.
And Jamie is allergic to the mayonnaise in the sandwiches. She’s about to vomit… and there she goes.
All over Ricky, who’s clutching his throat and wheezing.
I’m sure that their parents will blame the school again.
Have you got the epipens?
Good. I’ll call an ambulance.
Life and shit
When Life hands you shit, make sure that you and Life wash hands before returning to work.
While you’re at it, you can use the shit to write your thank you note. Just be careful how you put it in the envelope to keep the message from getting smeared and ruined.
Then, be sure to keep the shit somewhere safe so you can regift it back to Life at the Christmas Party. Oh, the look on people’s faces when they see Life opening that present up and seeing the shit Life gave you.
And the look on Life’s face… priceless!
Three Percent
I did one of those online surveys that told me that I was 97 percent evil.
What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?
Not the 97 percent, mind you. I’m worried about the 3 percent good.
How am I going to get a management position in Hell with that much good in me? 3 percent good gets you graveyard shift in the Comcast call centers in Hell.
I need 100% pure evil. Total evil. No good at all.
I’ll make supervisor. Management. Maybe even executive.
Just three percent good.
And I’ll start with you, my little prisoner.