George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“We’re running low on provisions, George,” said the captain, handing George a large burlap sack. “Go get some snipe.”
George ran up and down the beach for hours, hooting like an owl.
The rest of the crew watched from the ship, laughing and drinking.
Until George came back.
The sack was twisting in his arms, emitting horrendous growls and shrieks.
George threw it down on the deck.
Everyone stared at the sack for a few minutes as it thrashed about.
“Let’s just order a pizza, okay?” said the captain.
Author: R.
Drunk George
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates could hold their liquor.
George couldn’t. He was a lightweight and an awful drunk.
One flagon of grog, and he was stumbling.
Two, and he was under the table.
George threw up a lot.
When he threw up, he imagined that he was feeding a nest of baby birds, and he was their mother.
An alcoholic, pathetic mother bird. Not as much feeding her chicks as vomiting all over them.
“Get him down from the balcony!” roared the captain, covered in vomit. “Before he does it again!”
George at the mountains of madness
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His navigation skills were awful, and the ship ran aground on Antarctica.
Members of the crew who left to hunt giant penguins for food mysteriously vanished.
George himself led a rescue team, only to discover the hunting party’s horribly mutilated corpses.
Further George went, coming upon the wall of a strange stone city.
Pools of bubbling, putrid masses, babbling insane nonsense.
“The Elder Things,” mumbled the first mate, before he tore out his own eyes.
George ordered a retreat and, for years, warned others never to sail there again.
George’s ideas
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d had lots of ideas that would make the ship run more smoothly.
But the captain wouldn’t listen to any of his ideas.
His crewmates ignored him.
He even told the ship’s parrot, which just squawked and asked for a cracker.
George gave up caring, and became horribly depressed.
And then, the captain called for all hands on deck.
He announced all of George’s changes.
“We’ll be the best crew on the seas!” he said. “All thanks to this brilliant parrot’s ideas!”
George looked for a cracker to poison.
George and a certain little prince
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got shipwrecked and marooned a lot.
Sometimes, so marooned, not even a downed pilot in the middle of the Sahara Desert could be more marooned.
So, imagine the shock of him being asked by a little boy to draw him a sheep.
“I thought I was alone on this deserted island!” shouted George.
This distracted George long enough not to notice a plane passing overhead, which he could have signalled for help.
But that didn’t matter. The pilot ended up crashing in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
George garage sale
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When a pirate broke something, they’d toss it overboard.
But when it was still useful, they’d throw it in the cargo hold.
The hold eventually filled up with all kinds of junk and clutter.
There was no room left for cannonballs and powder and other vital pirate stuff.
So, George suggested a garage sale.
“But we don’t have a garage,” said the captain.
George dug a saw out of the hold and started to cut a garage door into the hull.
The captain tossed George and the saw overboard.
Weekly Challenge #999 – Webcam
- Richard
- Lisa
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LISA
Cleaning Up
Gordon did not trust his cleaner one bit and was desperate for a reason to sack her so put webcams up in every room hoping to catch her out.
Whilst cleaning his office she saw the feed of all the rooms on his laptop and heard Gordon on the phone to a woman that wasn’t his wife. She recorded the rest of the conversation on her phone.
The next week she found an incriminating receipt which she took to Gordon along with her recording ensuring she worked for him for the rest of his life without any bleach being involved.
RICHARD
— Cat-Cam —
The internet runs on cat videos, right?
At least, that’s what they tell me, and judging by the crazy number of clips featuring cats doing outrageous, silly and bizarre things that constantly clutter up my social media feeds it must be true.
My cat, however, just sleeps. Constantly.
So, I thought I’d rig up a webcam to see what she gets up to when I’m not around – for all I know, she might invite all the neighbourhood strays in for poker and partying!
Turns out, she doesn’t.
When I’m out of the house…
All she ever does is sleep. Constantly.
LIZZIE
The Ferris wheel was located in the middle of the park. The owners were warned. That was not safe. If an accident happened, access would be difficult, people would panic, all shown live online. The owners dismissed the warning. That’s why they had contingency plans, they said. One day, the Ferris wheel started spinning out of control. Some people were thrown off from their seats. The contingency plan was activated. It worked perfectly. What didn’t work perfectly was the lawsuit. A revolving door of lawyer after lawyer, fired. Apparently, the contingency plan didn’t include the legal side of the problem.
TOM
999 Webcam
I wonder if it would be in bad tasted to have a webcam on your tombstone? Sure, it would be kind of fun in short run and in the deep long run. But that middle part would be a bit ookie. Need a mess of solar panels to fire the thing up. Would one need speakers or would just an audio jack be sufficient. Bet if you did a YouTube channel you offset production costs. Need a hook to up engagement. RIP TV quality family entertainment. What if the eyes randomly open and shut. We’ll be here all week
SERENDIPIDY
I just got my first webcam. 4K, HD, and with a whole load of technical specs that should, hopefully, justify the ridiculous price I paid for it.
Tomorrow, I’m going to set up my Only Fans account, and then, it’s simply a case of waiting for the money to roll in.
After all, that’s what it’s all about these days, isn’t it?
Home-made porn?
Of course, I’ll be capturing something of a niche market: Weeping sores, putrefying flesh, and discoloured scar tissue aren’t everyone’s cup of tea.
But this is the internet.
I just know you can’t resist it!
NORVAL JOE
Billbert lay in his bed, unable to sleep. Sabrina was a captive somewhere close by and supposedly safe, but he could do nothing about it.
He snuck downstairs to his mother’s laptop and pulled up Google maps. He knew the intersection close to Sabrina, but not the specific house. He zoomed in and checked each backyard, not knowing exactly what he was looking for.
The light for the webcam came on.
One backyard caught his eye. Next to a carport was a van that looked remarkably similar to the shooter’s from the meadow.
The light for the webcam turned off.
PLANET Z
It’s amusing to see that political commentator guy on the news occasionally who had been caught jerking off on a department meeting over his WebCam. There are hundreds, if not, thousands of willing sycophants and blowhards that you can point a camera at and fill airtime between commercials and get people watching and snarling along, and yet they keep going back to these scumbags who have shamed themselves and exploited others. The ones that they’d be replaced with are just as vile, the only difference is that they’re far cheaper, need less makeup, and that they haven’t been caught yet.
George and his new mentor
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Sure, it would have been easy for the captain to make George walk the plank and then replace him with a new recruit.
But the captain had invested a lot of time, money, and patience in George.
So, he hired Greybeard, the finest Professor of Pirateology, to teach George all he knew.
Two weeks later, Graybeard quit.
“The fool is utterly confused,” he said. “George needs the fundamentals, not advanced theory.”
The captain sighed, picked up a mop and bucket, and handed them to George.
“Go swab the deck.”
George worships
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of training and skill, he relied on faith.
And if offering his loyalty to one god would help, then offering his loyalty to more would help even more.
So, he worshiped all the gods. Every one of them.
And not just the sea gods. Every single god in human history.
From dawn until dusk, and into a good part of the night, George said prayers, made burnt offerings, and conducted strange rituals.
Then, one day, George gave up.
Laying on the deck, bare assed naked, worshiping the sun.
George wins the lottery
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Out of habit, he bought a Powerball ticket, and he went out to sea.
That night, his number was drawn.
The store owner reviewed his security camera, and it revealed George as the winner.
Oblivious to this miracle, George went about his usual routine.
Whenever a ship with reporters approached, George’s shipmates subdued and gagged them.
And they’d steal their equipment and make ransom demands.
After a year at sea, George returned to port, but the winnings were forfeit.
He shrugged, released the hostages, and bought another Powerball ticket.