Category: Guest Authors

And now, something from the master storyteller: Elisson

Marcel Marceau, the incomparable French mime, passed away September 22 at the age of
eighty-four.
Marceau (né Mangel), a French Jew who escaped the Nazis and fought with the Free French
during World War II, brought the art of mime to standing-room-only crowds, earning
worldwide acclaim. His waif-like character Bip, in part inspired by Chaplin’s Little
Tramp, was recognizable to millions.
In addition to founding the Colorado School of Mimes, Marceau was the model for Michael
Jackson’s “moonwalk,” based on Marceau’s “Walking in the Wind” sketch.
Today, to honor Marceau’s memory, fans everywhere will observe a moment of extreme noise.

Americans are familiar with the story of Johnny Appleseed, who walked the length and breadth of the land while sowing the seeds of the great MacIntosh, Winesap, and Cortland, laying the foundations for today’s mighty orchards.
Alas, the story of Sidney Sunsweet is not nearly as well known. But Sidney walked the length and breadth of America ten years before Johnny was out of knee-pants, scattering seeds wherever he went. Prune seeds.
For Sidney was an aficionado of the Noble Prune, the “fruit that eats like a meal.” His motto?
“Eat Fruit with the Wrinkling: You’ll crap in a twinkling.”

Hard to believe, but it was only two generations ago that his ancestors were scratching out meager livings in the /shtetls/ of Eastern Europe.
You say you didn’t know he was Jewish? That’s OK: Not many people do. It’s a well-guarded secret. Comes from a Hasidic sect famous for commercial real estate development.
But by 1915, it was no longer possible to make a living in the little village of Combov. That’s when Hyman Trumpowitz, the family patriarch, came to America.
The rest is history. Today, with shortened name, Donald Trump carries on the fine tradition of the Combover Hasidim.

Last week, I was drinking Irish Mist and playing whist with Bill Frist. And he had his shorts in a twist.
What was on his mind? Here’s the gist:
Said Frist, “I miss Imus.”
Continued Frist, “Sure, Imus was remiss, laying down a gratuitous dis. A lotta people were pissed. Said it was heinous.
“But in spite of all this, I miss Imus.
“It’s not like Imus said ‘penis.’ Something like that’d never come between us.
“But he said ‘nappy’ and got the Bitch-Slappy, Pappy. Now, are you happy? Me, I think it’s crappy.
“What’s next? Will they burn Stern?”

Lobster Boy was just one of the sideshow freaks that made their winter home in Gibsonton, AKA Gibtown, Florida.
It was the perfect place for Unusual People. Where else did the zoning laws allow you to keep a pet elephant, or the post office provide a special counter to accommodate dwarves?
Residents included the Human Blockhead, Monkey Girl, the Hilton Sisters (conjoined twins), Giant Al and Half-Girl Jeanie. And you had Lobster Boy, who sported claws instead of hands.
“Lobby” was a Ladies’ Man. Not handsome, but he made up for it with his renowned “Maine Tickler” and drawn-butter rubdowns…

Size may not matter in the real world, but the Adult Entertainment Industry is all about Length. And Girth. Sheer impressiveness counts.
In the seamier parts of Hollywood, men like John Holmes, Ron Jeremy, and Biff Wellington were celebrated. Not so much for their acting abilities, but for certain physical attributes they brought to their roles.
In the world of French Adult Cinema, one actor’s name stood head and shoulders above the rest: Jacques LeBoeuf, affectionately dubbed “le Baguette” by legions of fans.
One day, he neglected to apply sunblock before a long outdoor shoot. Afterwards, Le Baguette was toast.

Sausage lovers throughout America were saddened to hear of the recent death of Bob Evans, Ohio breakfast meat icon and restaurateur.
Evans, founder of the restaurant chain that bears his name, succumbed to complications from pneumonia. He was being treated at the Cleveland Clinic.
When supplies of quality sausage for his truckstop became scarce, he began making his own, thus laying the groundwork for a meatpacking and casual dining empire. Employees credited the enterprise’s rapid growth to Evans’s sage advice.
The family plans a private funeral at which Evans’s remains will be ground up and stuffed into a sausage-shaped casket.